Residuals

Letting things go is never easy, especially if it's something you really wanted. Even when you let go of the thing, there's always residuals, and the residuals are always harder to get rid of.

When I was falling in love with George, the Captain (who you'll recognize if you've been reading me long) got in the way. He was supposed to be a mild distraction while I got myself in order enough to handle possibly talking to and getting to know George. George was the "prize", Captain was a pre-test. The Captain then blitzed me and took my attention away from the prize. He then proceeded to rip my heart from my chest and make it into a smoothie.

I spent almost a year being mad. Mad at him, mad at me, mad at W for not warning me hard enough against it. Anger was the residual, the thing left behind by the loss of something. Once I was done with the anger, regret took it's place, and now, slowly, acceptance. I accept that I did a stupid thing by trying to play a game with life. I accept that I got hurt. Acceptance is a good residual.

My anger, which took so much time to get rid of, was like a tough stain on a white pair of pants. I think it was so hard to get rid of because it was always so misplaced. One minute I was mad at Captain for being a douche. One minute I was mad at me for being so naive. Once I finally figured out that my anger was a choice I was making (and one I could unmake), I asked myself if it was worth it to be angry all the time, was it worth it to keep a pair of stained, white pants? I did what most people do in that situation; cleaned closet and threw out those pants.

The residuals of being in love though, are so much tougher than anger. The love residuals...damn if they don't stick with you. I'm not talking the kiddy, "I think I may...I think I might" love, I'm talking the thing that make you notice life. The thing that takes you over and makes you want to be better than you are for yourself, but also, for this other person. Why is it so hard to let the love residuals go? Even though nothing is becoming of them, even though they aren't necessarily being used...what's the point of keeping them?

Sharing the love
Dropping the knowledge
<3