I've been feeling really down lately. Could you tell? I just feel like I have all these thought and dreams and ideas that just can't happen. Is that what a mid-life crisis feels like? Because as it stands now I feel like I am in crisis mode: I don't eat much, I sleep too much, and I don't feel like doing much of anything. I spend most of my days alone, which isn't unusual, but I'm finding now that I get lonely more than I feel accepting of my own presence.
Maybe it's because I think everything I've been told is a lie. You work hard in school, you focus and get good grades, you do better than other people academically you'll be set up to handle the world. Maybe it's because the world's changed but the lies haven't. I should go to school, get a degree in something liberal and hope to get a job doing something that has at least a little to do with it. The reality is nobody my age is getting those jobs. Those jobs go to the folks with families and debt and desperation in their eyes when I know I have too much pride to ever let anyone know how desperate I am. But it's like a friend once told me, you can't eat pride.
All the college commercials on TV tell the same lies; be a nurse, be a dental assistant, be a technical engineer, those jobs are recession proof and on the rise. Basic economics says that the more something floods the market (techs, nurses, dental assistants) the less valuable it becomes. All the studies showing those rises are a few years old at the least; the boom seems non-existant now.
It's not all about jobs and what I want to do with my life, even though I know I don't want to still be in the room I was in in high school a few years from now. It's about me and my lack of faith in anything lately; I'm not even sure I have faith in myself anymore. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is that none of it is working.
I was sitting in the car the other day at a gas station a few miles from home shedding tears and wishing I could just keep driving. Just drive and drive until I'm some place where I feel like I'm not so trapped and that I can breathe. I always feel like I'm gasping, like there's not enough air for me and like no matter what I do, whether I make moves here or stay secluded at home it'll all end up the same and I still won't be breathing.
Yeah, I think this is crisis mode. Hopefully I can think my way out of it or at least find something to motivate myself forward because as it stands, you could be reading the words of an American tragedy or an American triumph. The fact that I can't tell the difference between the two means I have a lot of thinking to do.
Being open <3