I often think that people know who I am. They know what I think, they know my values, but I often wonder if they really know me at all. Do any of us really know the people we're closest to? Do we see them as they are, or how we need them to be?
I am a champion for my friends. I am their collective moral conscious. I am their sounding board. I am whatever they need me to be for them, and I suppose for the most part, it's a pretty easy gig. However, I know so much about them, their little intricate idiosyncrasies and who they are when the rest of the world isn't looking, but rarely do I think they see me.
There are nights, bad nights I call them, where I just cry and cry until I sleep, but so few of them know about that. There are days when my mind is a million miles away, trying like hell to keep up this veneer of strength while giving them what it is they need from me at that moment. And then they smile, thank me and walk away, and I always wonder, "Do they see it? Do they see me?"
The bad nights started happening after my parents' divorce. Usually it would be the middle of the night, and I would sneak out and sit on the staircase of our old apartment and, once I was able to collect myself, go back in, prepare for school, and go to bed. I buried it under the need of others, that great sadness, until it would just erupt and I'd have to deal. That's been eight years, and I've been doing it ever since.
Usually, admittedly, it's something trivial, like a minor heartbreak or feeling inadequate that brings it on. This time though, I had completed the previous blog and the usual problems had dissipated; I'm so comfortable with how I look right now, and I have no real love interests to be worried about. It was creeping into my heart though, during conversations with my friends, and normal interactions with other people until finally, I just waited until the night and let it all out. "They don't even see you," it kept saying. "They don't see you at all."
I don't think too many people know about my bad nights (well, they didn't before now) and if they do, they simply ignore it or try to cheer me up not realizing how deep rooted the feelings are. Not realizing that I have to shake them on my own or else they'll just keep pulling me under. Should more people know? I'm pretty sure they should, but the fact is, I feel weak when I have to explain these depressive moods to people so I simply don't.
I guess my message today is this: show someone kindness. Show them that you see them, even if they don't think you do. I know life moves fast, and you've got so much on your own mind, but there's a person out there just screaming in their heart for someone to notice them, to ask them how they're doing with a genuine smile. You could be the difference between a good night, and a bad night.
Be the difference, ya'll. <3