Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Connections Are Pretty Major In Your Life

I am a playlist kind of girl. My iPod is full of playlists that reflects moods, thoughts, people, moments... Lately, I've been playing this one I named "Regret" because it reminds me of one person, one moment, one thing. In my almost twenty years, I can say what happened between me and this guy is one of the only things I've come to greatly regret; I passed him up to hold onto my own fears and self-doubts. Tell me, isn't that a stupid reason?
Today though, we had a long talk between good friends, like we usually do, about what makes us who we are. I was taken back; nobody ever asks me who I am, not really. People ask me "Oh, what's your name?" but never "Tes, who are you really? Who are you when no one's looking?" At first, I was going to let my fear get the best of me again, but I made a vow I'd never regret anything I did with this dude from the first one on and I told him the truth; I'm a girl who sometimes feels invisible to everyone, despite all I do for them. I'm a girl who holds onto past pains because I'm afraid if I let them go, I'll go with them, and who will I be then? I'm a girl trying to find herself and know herself, without having to rehash any pain, hurt or disappointment. I'm a girl who's trying to do all this by herself, because anything I give to other people to hold, they always break.
He was quiet, before decidedly telling me he was going to help me find myself. I laughed; nobody's ever said anything like that to me, without trying to WooHoo! in the end. I could tell by his silence he meant it, and I was scared. Taking on my pain, his own, not to mention his friends, his girlfriend's, his parents'...that's too much...besides, what if he dropped me like all the others? After we hung up, his sincerity was felt somewhere deep in me and it shook loose so many tears I couldn't see, couldn't breathe...
Until I smiled and tasted my tears on my lips. No one had ever said those things to me, meant it, and showed it. Never. It broke my heart that he was going to try to fix me; if I can't do it, how could I expect someone else to? But in the process of breaking, my heart kind of fused together in another part, a bigger part. Someone sees me. Someone cares about me. Someone has love for me. And at that moment, all I could do was thank God.
Though he didn't come into my life the way I envisioned, this guy...this guy is what I needed. This guy, though not in the capacity I would have liked, is in my life for a reason. And although I'm not that big into organized religion, my Southern Baptist roots show when I say God sent this man to me; right when I'm trying so hard to fix myself on my own that I'm getting lost, this guy comes in and points out my issues in such a kind-hearted way, and leads me when I have trouble finding my way through the myriad of things that hinder me from reaching my full potential. If that ain't God, I really don't know what is.
So dear reader, my point is that although we might not believe in all the same things, nor the same Gods...we all need to feel connected to something bigger than we are, or at least connect with someone who sees us for everything we are. We need to feel a connection with something in order to fully connect with ourselves, be it a person, a deity, an element of expression; our connections are where what we believe comes into tangible status. Connections are where we find who we are.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Sometimes Being Honest With Yourself Hurts Others

I love her like I've never loved a person before, and it's a fact. You remember in kindergarten when you met your first best friend? No matter what happened, you two promised ya'll would be best friends throughout everything? I was an unusual child, and I didn't find that person until maybe five months ago. Although I moved states, it's like I'm still in the same city with her, and we're still talking about the same things we would had I been there.
Today though, was a personal trial that brought her with it. What do you do when your honesty hurts the one person you don't want to hurt? Keep it to yourself? Let that pain eat you up inside for however long that friendship lasts? Lie and disrespect everything you've built with this person? When is honesty to yourself more important than hurting (or not hurting) others?
I used to think "Never," never is hurting others worth honesty to yourself. And then I stopped sleeping. I used to think I could deal with deluding myself daily in the name of the perfect friendship. Then I stopped eating properly. I used to think nothing was worth losing someone you love... and then it hit me. The honesty is what the friendship is all about. I'd never lied to her, so this small secret I was keeping, whenever it came out, would hurt her. So it was more a question of now or later.
Underneath that though, as a friend of mine pointed out, honesty to myself lets me be honest with others; until I was open with myself about this issue, every time I pretended to be happy I would be hurting the both of us. Every missed opportunity would be another lie by omission.
So though it hurt me deeply to hurt her, so much so I was waiting on words of abuse to come (though knowing what kind of person she is, I should've guessed they wouldn't) my sanity, my clarity all of it depended on me being honest with myself first. Sometimes you are going to need to put yourself ahead of others, though it pains you, because in the long run, could you live with a lie? Could you live with the fact that you put your happiness and peace of mind behind that of others? Could you live with hurting yourself daily in ways deeper than any eye could see? I couldn't...and anyone who loves me understands that. And the same, dear reader, can be said for you. Putting yourself first may feel like a sin, but trust me, the liberation after the pain and mild disappointment is worth it all. The best you can do is apologize and do what you must for yourself. It's a hard lesson to learn, and I can't say that it gets easier, but once you've gone through it you know for sure that you are worth all the fight in the world. You are worth a little disappointment from others. You are worth a second of unhappiness for a lifetime of peace of mind.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Some People Don't Understand Karma

I never show my true self in the very beginning of my relationships with people; it's been my nature since I was very young to observe people first, then show them who I am. Plus, nobody who just meets me deserves my true essence, it has to be earned. As I went off to college though, I decided to try something different and just go all in. It worked pretty fine for awhile until this guy (who I'll call Charles) started hanging around.
Charles was a friend of my friends and started to instigate his way into our close-knit group. Soon, it got so I couldn't look up and not see him with my other four guy friends. If he was with them and they vouched for him, he had to be a good guy, so I didn't think much of it; I'm naturally friendly and warm to people, and I didn't see any problem accepting new people into my life. Until one day, he approached me romantically and I rebuffed him; I was interested in a certain King of Confusion at the time and I didn't want to pursue anyone else, no matter how hard they were pursuing me.
Suddenly, all the information (confidential, girl talk information he'd gotten from hanging around the women of our group) he acquired was turned on me in a negative way. Every time I rebuffed him after that, he'd slip out a tidbit of information in the wrong way or say something hurtful. For instance, I'd maybe go and hang out in the parking lot with the King of Confusion and the guy would say something snide, insinuating more was going on than really was, painting me in a shade of harlot.
I'd had enough of him in time, and ended up telling him he and I were no longer all that; my loyalty lies with those who are loyal to me, and he certainly wasn't. Soon, he began doing to my friends what he'd done to me, hurting them on purpose but always with a jovial, friendly attitude. I warned them that he wasn't who he pretended to be, he was not their friend, and if they didn't heed my warnings they'd learn that the hard way.
I hear he's now doing something sordid behind my best guy friend's back, and it pains me not to be there to tell him off. How dare he? We were his friends, we were there for him whenever he needed, and he goes and does something menacing and hateful to the one person who accepted him the most? Then I realize, it's not my place to say anything to him. My Gram would tell me that what you put in the world is what you get out of it, and I firmly believe that, so in time, he'll reap what he sows.
Sometimes I forget that all people don't come to you with honesty and good intentions. Some come to hurt you or use you for their own selfish gains. You'd think being fresh out of high school that would be engraved on my brain, but as it turns out, until recently I always put such faith in the good in people. What's a girl to do when the good in people is hidden under so much malice and wrong-doing? This girl is going to keep seeing the good, but not denying the bad. This girl is going to realize when it's time to keep it moving when someone in your life purposely hurts you. This girl is going to go on living her life...just not talking about it around everyone :) .
Testorshia D.