I am a playlist kind of girl. My iPod is full of playlists that reflects moods, thoughts, people, moments... Lately, I've been playing this one I named "Regret" because it reminds me of one person, one moment, one thing. In my almost twenty years, I can say what happened between me and this guy is one of the only things I've come to greatly regret; I passed him up to hold onto my own fears and self-doubts. Tell me, isn't that a stupid reason?
Today though, we had a long talk between good friends, like we usually do, about what makes us who we are. I was taken back; nobody ever asks me who I am, not really. People ask me "Oh, what's your name?" but never "Tes, who are you really? Who are you when no one's looking?" At first, I was going to let my fear get the best of me again, but I made a vow I'd never regret anything I did with this dude from the first one on and I told him the truth; I'm a girl who sometimes feels invisible to everyone, despite all I do for them. I'm a girl who holds onto past pains because I'm afraid if I let them go, I'll go with them, and who will I be then? I'm a girl trying to find herself and know herself, without having to rehash any pain, hurt or disappointment. I'm a girl who's trying to do all this by herself, because anything I give to other people to hold, they always break.
He was quiet, before decidedly telling me he was going to help me find myself. I laughed; nobody's ever said anything like that to me, without trying to WooHoo! in the end. I could tell by his silence he meant it, and I was scared. Taking on my pain, his own, not to mention his friends, his girlfriend's, his parents'...that's too much...besides, what if he dropped me like all the others? After we hung up, his sincerity was felt somewhere deep in me and it shook loose so many tears I couldn't see, couldn't breathe...
Until I smiled and tasted my tears on my lips. No one had ever said those things to me, meant it, and showed it. Never. It broke my heart that he was going to try to fix me; if I can't do it, how could I expect someone else to? But in the process of breaking, my heart kind of fused together in another part, a bigger part. Someone sees me. Someone cares about me. Someone has love for me. And at that moment, all I could do was thank God.
Though he didn't come into my life the way I envisioned, this guy...this guy is what I needed. This guy, though not in the capacity I would have liked, is in my life for a reason. And although I'm not that big into organized religion, my Southern Baptist roots show when I say God sent this man to me; right when I'm trying so hard to fix myself on my own that I'm getting lost, this guy comes in and points out my issues in such a kind-hearted way, and leads me when I have trouble finding my way through the myriad of things that hinder me from reaching my full potential. If that ain't God, I really don't know what is.
So dear reader, my point is that although we might not believe in all the same things, nor the same Gods...we all need to feel connected to something bigger than we are, or at least connect with someone who sees us for everything we are. We need to feel a connection with something in order to fully connect with ourselves, be it a person, a deity, an element of expression; our connections are where what we believe comes into tangible status. Connections are where we find who we are.