Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Being In A Relationship Doesn't Make Everything Go Away

I want to move in with Tarzan. 

Is it fast? Terribly. Impulsive and impetuous? Probably. But more than any of that, I think, it's a manifestation of the fears and trust issues that I've yet to really deal with.

I've let go of the loves that didn't work, let go of the pain of the rejection and the feeling of being lied to, but the one thing that's stayed with me throughout every failed attempted and actualized relationship was the inability to trust the people that I wanted to be with. It felt like each time a relationship didn't work put a little nick on my self-confidence and my belief in the innate good in people. 

I know I have to realize that those past hurts won't necessarily manifest in my new relationship, that those things and people were different, and that most importantly I'm different. It's hard, though, because the relationship that I'm in happens to be a long distance relationship, and so my reluctance to really trust and let go of the fear is pushing me, and in turn it's making me push him.

He's not ready to move. I've known it for awhile, but I just kept pushing, thinking that him not willing to make this move with me means that he doesn't love me or doesn't believe that we'll make it that far. He expressed concern once about the temptations that he'd face once he let people know he was dating me (because you know those chicks, just like I do, who don't want a dude until he's with someone else) and that made me freak out. What if I wasn't what he wanted? What if there was something there that was easier that the relationship we're in? 

Then it hit me. Maybe I wanted him to move here so badly so I could keep an eye on him. Now don't misunderstand, I want to be with him. I love waking up and seeing him, I love joking around and talking with him in person. But maybe I was pushing so hard because, if he were here, I'd be able to, in my mind at least, know if something was amiss. Me even wanting it for that reason let me know I wasn't in the right place.

I want him to move with me because he wants to. I want him to do so of his own will and feel secure enough in and of himself to just say one day "Say Jane, how do you feel about me moving in next month?" More than  that, I want to trust him, whether he's with me in person or not.

My parents were long distance relationshippers in the sense that Pop was military and deployed a lot. They worked, at least in my eyes they did. They laughed all the time and had fun and then one day, they didn't anymore. One day it all fell apart and neither I, nor my mother, really knew why. For a guy I'd known my whole life to just decide "Welp, this ain't it for me no more," and just dip right as I reached adolescence? It hurt a lot. It confused me; if my Dad couldn't even stay around for me, what makes me think any other guy would? 

And so started a very confusing cycle of me either chasing dudes I knew would let me down, or allowing dudes in who weren't really what I needed, just for the sake of not being lonely. The latter, I didn't worry about trusting, as truthfully I barely liked them anyway, but the former? The former I would put all my hope behind and push. Then when they pushed back, in the opposite direction, I fell down and got hurt. I got hurt a lot, not realizing that it was my own choice. I chose who I gave the power to hurt me to, and up until that point, nobody has shown they were worth that much. 

Tarzan met me at a tough time and picked me up, not expecting anything in return. He's been a friend to me before anything romantic happened and has proven he's worthy of my trust. He's worth my love and my faith and yet it's still so hard to give it so freely, still so hard to not push him either to his breaking point or completely away. 

I'm trying to learn to trust, trying to not smother. I think working on myself, while working on us, is the key; I thought a relationship would "fix" me, in a way so I'd kind of stopped thinking of myself as an individual in process and a switch was flipped to turn me into a couple in progress, not realizing I could do both. I thought all my previous issues with myself would dissipate once I had someone giving me their heart, but the reverse is true; they've been brought more to the light. I don't want to be a liability to him, nor to myself. 

I'll keep working at it, and in the meantime stop putting so much pressure on him; I'm sure he's already putting a lot of pressure on himself for so many other things, and I don't want him feeling more trapped than loved. As for myself? The only way to learn trust, is to practice it I suppose. 

So here's to more practice.

Sex Is Overrated*

*Unless you're ready.

I was a virgin until one day, after meeting the right man, I wasn't anymore. It's as simple as that. Folks seem to put this stigma on girls who wait as long as I did (and also stigmas on girls who don't wait nearly that long, but I digress), that we're prudes, Jesus freaks, or terrified of penises, which is (usually) not the case. It certainly wasn't the case in mine.

What I was waiting on was to fall in love. At one point it seemed like it would be easier to give it away/settle on just anybody than to do it the right way (It can be argued that the "right way" would've been to wait until I was married but...). I decided it didn't mean that much to me, the sex part; if I couldn't find someone I trusted or loved enough to partake of it with, it would've been worthless and I would've sold myself short. I gave up on love for awhile and stopped looking; I decided to put my relationship with myself at the forefront.

And in waltzed Tarzan...

It's not like they make it look in the movies: all effortless and flawless make-up and smooth transitions. Not at all. But as long as you've got someone who you're learning with, who you're not afraid to have a little fun with, it's usually a lot better than the movies.

Orgasms though (and I don't mean to burst your bubble) are tough to come by. You're always  at a state of "almost..." Don't get me wrong, it still feels amazing and powerful and overall goo-od, but if you're expecting it to be the way it is when you do it yourself? Nope. Sorry. If you're expecting that person to hit it out of the park those first couple times? Sorry again. As long as it took you to learn it, it'll probably take them twice as long, maybe more if you're unwilling to talk about it which is a key.

I love talking about it. With him, of course. It helps me learn what he likes, what I like, and how we can incorporate more of that for later. I will admit though, I do hold out on a few tidbits here and there. I could be dirty, I could be kinky, I could be all those things but sometimes...Sometimes I worry Tarzan wouldn't be able to handle the hypersexual side of me, at least not without viewing me completely differently. I think that's  more of a "me" issue than a "he" issue though, and I'm working on it.

If you can't talk to that person about sex, you probably shouldn't be having it with them. If you're "settling" for that person instead of waiting for whatever it is you really want, you probably shouldn't be doing it. Also, if you're embarrassed about buying condoms or getting your birth control? Definitely not.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard women tell me they regretted their first time. They regretted it was so soon, that it was with the wrong person; overall, they wish they would've waited, like I did. I don't regret it, and never will; it was all around right for me. The right person, the right time and most importantly, I was ready. Nobody can tell you when you're ready, nobody but you. You've got to be honest with yourself, above all else, before you enter into a sexually intimate relationship.

That's all I got (so far).


Monday, October 1, 2012

Musing: Long Distance Love

Somewhere along the tumbles of life, I figured out what kind of person I wanted to be. I wanted to be kind and loving, honest and smart, and beautiful, not just for how I look but for who I am. I figured out that I wanted to be loved, appreciated and acknowledged, cherished and treated with respect. The role models I had growing up weren't the right people to really teach me those things, but somehow I found out what I wanted, what I needed of myself and anyone I allowed into my life to be.

I spent a week with Tarzan and found that all those things I wanted and even more that I didn't think to wish for, had come to fruition. For the first time I felt wholly confident in myself. I'll admit, I was nervous to meet family and friends, folks who had been hearing about me and wondering if I lived up to the hype, but I realized I didn't need to impress them; the person I had to impress was holding my hand the entire time, beaming proudly while introducing me to the people who mattered to him.

There's so much I want to say about the visit, but again, so little of him I want to share with the world. I want to talk about how loved I felt, how fun it all was, but what I'll instead focus on is how hard it is to say goodbye, even temporarily, to someone you're head over heels in love with.

It's a long goodbye, as from the minute you land, there's a stopwatch ticking down until when you have to leave again. It forces you to savor every moment, to open your eyes to the beauty of the small things, and for that, it's a great thing. But for the rest, for the separating of two folks in love? Sucks.

The long goodbye comes to a head the day of. You know and that person knows that this is the last time ya'll will be seeing each other for a minute or two. Personally, I cry. Unembarrassed, unabashed, I cry and can't stop completely. I'll occupy my mind and then the moment I let my mind wander BAM there it is; memories flood and break your heart over and over and there's nothing you can really do to stop it.

Long distance relationships are a gift and a curse; they make you fall for a person - not a look or an idea but an actual human being, and they make everything glow, even the small things. The curse of them being that you fall so in love with this other person, and you want to be there with them at every turn but you can't. Overall though, I can honestly say they aren't for the faint of heart. I can say that, if you're not serious with or about the person you're in it with, it's best to not go forward with one. And I can say that, in my case, it's one of the best things that's ever happened.

I hope he feels my love, even from this far distance. I hope he knows that the tears are from missing him, a deep sadness at not being in his presence more than anything else. And I hope he knows that I'm committed, over one hundred percent.

Something beautiful blossomed even further between he and I, something that made me feel loved beyond my wildest dreams. Something took root in me to make me want to reciprocate that feeling every chance I get and as sad as I feel now without him, the more determined that makes me to limit the long goodbyes.