Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Most Obsure Things Lead to the Deepest of Relationships

When we met by the vending machine that first day, I just knew I didn’t like him (he wasn’t my type), and from what I could tell, the feeling was certainly mutual (I apparently wasn’t his type either). What ended up happening between us was one of the most perfect, albeit messy accidents; he was going to hook me up with his friend and initially I was cool with that, until one day I wasn't. I went from being moderately annoyed by this guy, to being majorly enchanted by him. But that wasn't all. The same nit-picky things he'd do, I'd find myself doing without thinking; playing loud music while driving, answering text messages in seven words or less used to drive me crazy, but now I do them without a second thought.
While he wasn't looking, I scoped him picking up a few of my habits too, or at least molding them to fit his personality. We started liking the same music, same foods, even the same smells. Our sensualities kind of meshed which might explain the whole cloud of confusion we were floating on. After all, we disliked each other…right? On my part, I was sure how I felt for him but confused if it was reciprocated. He was sure about the reciprocation, just not the feelings. In all that confusion we managed to explore a few aspects of said sensuality, but eventually we decided it'd be in our best interest to be “just friends” which worked for all of maybe two weeks. To this day I don’t call him a “just friend”; he gave me a better understanding of myself in aspects of me that had never been explored, certainly he deserved the title of close friend. When I asked if he ever saw us where we are now, in this complex friendship, he said a definite no; he never saw us beyond that moderately annoyed by each other stage. Funny how things turn out, huh?
I've never met a person like my best friend. Honest, no judgment, and pure of spirit, she and I met under the eye-rolling circumstance of a group project (who does group projects in college? Seriously. At that point group work is officially over.). Instantly I'm thinking "this girl is so weird, I like her." Come to find out, she was thinking the same thing. Since that day, we've been thicker than thieves in molasses. As with King of Confusion above, she and I started emulating each other in the minutest ways. The difference is, our bond was deeper and more solid (and less romantically complicated) and so we built a taller fortress of friendship than anything we'd ever had with any other person. When I tell her I love her, I know without a doubt that I mean it wholeheartedly, and that without even saying so, it’s returned.
To the rest of the world, I'm this fireball of a chick; sarcastic, outgoing, and quick-witted, I tend to hide my true self behind this guise of emotional strength and intelligence. These two people though, know me better than that. King of Confusion, though he hates to admit it, knows me better than any dude ever has, and my Sister from another Mister knows me better than anybody period. What started under relatively average settings ended up etching two people on my heart permanently, which leads me to think that no one knows how the best of relationships start, but boy are they glad when they do.
If you would’ve asked me last year could I see myself falling for some random guy in front of a vending machine, I’d have said a definite “no.” If you would’ve asked me who my best friends were last year, I would’ve had to think about it. These people in the most genuine of ways have changed me, and if I hadn’t stopped at a vending machine one day, or shown up for a class I’d have never met them. I would be a different person completely. In knowing that, I’m forever grateful to the two of them, and anxiously wait for more average occurrences in my life. Who knows? The next time I could meet my first boyfriend, or my next boss. After all, you always find your keys where you least expect to.

Testorshia D.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Defending Myself Is Not Disrespect

I'm a short girl, and have been for quite some time. To make up for it though, I have loads of personality. I'm bubbly and fun, I'm open and honest; I'm pretty much the girl next door with a bit of a rebel edge thrown in to throw people off. However, I can be very...fiesty. Sassy. Cheeky. Borderline disrespectful, if I'm going by what my parents have told me.
While my mother defines it as a lack of respect (my father says a lack of social interactions with elders) I tend to rub a few of my parents' friends the wrong way. I say it becomes me; my parents raised me to be honest and to speak my mind. The respect part is given when it is earned, which I thought applies to everyone, but apparently not.
Apparently, if you have a few more turns on the earth than I do, you deserve my respect. If you hold a higher rank than I do, you deserve my respect. If my parents know your parents, you deserve my respect.
A prime example is one of my parents' friends. The person had spoken all of seven words to me in the time I'd known him, and yet told my mother that I was on the sassy side. I'm not saying he was wrong (not saying he was right either), but what I will say is me being a young adult at the time, he could've come to me and told me he thought I was a bit saucy. Instead of treating me like an adult and saying "Young lady, I felt that was disrespectful on your part," he told my mommy on me. Instead of giving me the chance to "talk back" to him as he'd seen me do to others, he went straight to what he felt was the source. And therein lies the problem.
My elders seem to think that "discussing" points of view with them is the same as "arguing" or talking back. My Gram moreso than my mother or father, told me that speaking my mind is always allowed, but in speaking my mind, I'd have to take whatever "fight" (read: "ass-whooping") I got with it and accept it. "When someone speaks against you," she said, "you have the right to defend yourself no matter who it is, but always do it with respect and tact because you are a lady."
As a full-grown (for the most part) lady now, I've taken this measure to mean stick up for myself in whatever tone I deem necessary, whether it be cheeky or sarcastic or whatever; I just need to be prepared for some backlash every now and then.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Complicated People Complicate Uncomplicated People

I've never been the girl that had the boyfriends. No, I was the chick with the boy friends; those dudes who eat off her lunch tray, give her noogies and take her for piggy back rides like annoying older brother meets best friend. They liked me and I liked them; I wasn't complicated and I offered insight into the minds of young women and they, for what it's worth, did the same for me. Then one day, one boy changed that. First glance he was average, but as time went on I found him more and more complex and with those complexities the more beautiful he became. He was going to be the first boyfriend.
Soon I fell in love with the idea of making him uncomplicated not realizing the effect it would have on my own uncomplicated self. The more mysterious he became, the more of him I sought to find until his complexities had complicated me. His reasons for not doing things became my reasons for doing them. The further I wrapped myself in fixing him, the more damaged I became to the point where I didn't realize that I was being lead further and further away from my uncomplicated former self. I spent time trying to figure him out, like the hardest of Sudoku puzzles and just when I found some leeway he’d put up another puzzle. After figuring a few out, he dealt me a heavy-handed blow to the ego and heart; all that work I put in and he didn’t even want me.
For a week I was the most pitiful girl on the planet; rumpled tissues and a Heartache playlist made for a sorry sight if I must say so of myself. My friends were upset, my work slacked, and I found myself with a decision to make. Is this who I was going to be from now on, the chick chasing love and always getting burned? Would one confused dude affect the way I ran my life from now on? No and yes.
No, I was not going to be that girl torn apart by a broken heart to the point of being unrecognizable, but yes, I was gonna be that girl that lived and learned, the girl that decided to be more cautious with her heart.
Now, it's like a math problem (math is admittedly not one of my best subjects but here goes); A + B = C are the kind of equations I should seek. Easy to decipher, and super straight-forward; simplicity at its finest. What I shouldn't seek are the ones with lots of variables and hidden agendas such as 17xy +22x +9y =? because really, what do I get from that but a headache. So with love, just like with math, complex does not mean more interesting, all it means is more work and greater complications.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Why I Started This Thing

I know that like a lot of people, I forget a lot of things; keys, numbers, exact change are just the few of them. Most of the time though, I forget things that should never be forgotten; things I think, things I say, things I should know as facts of life. I forget dates and times, I forget things my mother tells me. I forget faces but never names. I forget things I learned in high school.

As time goes on though, I find myself remembering all the things I thought I forgot: Those who you love don't have to love you back. There's a difference between friends and people who hang around you. Bottled water comes from somebody's tap somewhere. Things I often forget, are things that I know I should remember. Clearly more important than anything I could learn in a book are the things I learn in life, and with this blog, I plan to capture and remember most of those lessons. In case I forget why I started a blog (among all the other life lessons I've learned in my 19 years), "Things I Forget" will be a constant reminder.