So, if you know me or follow me anywhere else, you know that Tarzan and I are no longer a couple. Can't lie, it really really sucks. Is it childish I wanted us to last forever, that I expanded and changed all of my dreams to fit in another person?
A few years ago I would've said hell yeah, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Why would you change and do this or that for some other person who's not even guaranteed to stay with you? The truth is though, that's what faith is. I've always had a shaky relationship with faith and expectations and the like because whenever you put faith in anything you run the risk of being disappointed, and in my life, up to a certain point, I'd become so heartbreakingly used to being disappointed by the people I trusted and the ideas I put faith in that I sort of stopped believing in the good things. Sure, I'd think about the good things, write about a few good things, but the sky was always falling and I was the one chicken just sighing and waiting for it to take me out.
I always had this idea that being in love with someone would heal all wounds and make everything wonderful and perfect. In that aspect, yes, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. With experience comes a really big picture in 20/20 of all the teenager-y things you thought and the silliness of them, because I'm still not perfect. I'm a person who did the best she could and loved the hardest she could and for that I'm proud, but surely not perfect. Love doesn't solve everything for you, but it does make you realize what your real problems are and for me, it was holding back.
I was so scared of trusting people and letting people into my life. They could trust me with anything; strangers would tell me deep dark secrets and horror stories and I'd simply pat them on the shoulder, tell them everything would be okay, and then go on about my life, but didn't trust the people in my life enough to tell them something simple as how I was feeling, preferring instead to deflect and talk about them. Trusting people, is an easy way to get hurt, but it's also a beautiful way to form attachments, which I've learned life is all about.
Breaking up hurts, especially when it's from such a great person, someone you learn from and become a better person through knowing. But I was lucky; my former steady is a gentleman, a sweetheart and a scholar; he hasn't dogged me in the street, hasn't leaked any nudes, and I've avoided a lot of those horrible break up stories you hear about or read. You'll never hear me say an unkind word about that man. I'm trying to maintain a friendship with him, because over the year and change we were together he became my best friend, sometimes understanding what I was feeling before I knew what it was I was feeling, and because you never give up on the people you love.
So what's next for this girl?
I can tell you honestly, dating is far off. It's not that I don't want that connection with someone again or that I'm immune to the loneliness that creeps in after a breakup, but rather, I know that getting over an old man by getting under a new one rarely works. Plus, the guys that I like are really really hard to find :) . Next up for me is biting the bullet and finally going back to school for my Associates of English. I know it may not be a lot to people, but it's the world to me, a first step towards a new horizon.
After I get that degree, I'm thinking on a move to Philadelphia or Seattle, some place I've never lived but that suits the type of person I am and hope to grow into. The Hip-Hop scene in Seattle (or lack thereof) is not a draw exactly, but Seattle is like my Los Angeles - that dream place where you meet people you've always wanted to meet and do things you've always wanted to do. But I'm thinking Philly suits me a lot better; the few times I went for a visit (though hopelessly lost on one of those visits) it was beautiful and the people were really nice.
A lot of times, folks use breaking up as an excuse to give up on their dreams, on love and on life in general. But it's like Brandy said, life's not over (and you can start again). It hurts, like a bitch, it hurts, but it's not the end of me. It's not the end of all the love I have to give or the lessons I hope to learn in life and it's not the end of my dreaming.