Saturday, November 26, 2011

(21) The Song I'll Hear in Heaven

30 Day Song Challenge! Remember...I was doing that? No... *ahem* moving ahead then...

There's a song in my playlist there (----->) that makes me happy, complexly happy, but happy nonetheless. Wanna guess?

So Far To Go.

Dilla's production was sweet and warm. If when I enter heaven it doesn't sound better than or equal to that? Does heaven's DJ take requests? Better yet, can I meet up with Dilla, Common and D'angelo and have them do it acoustic? Yeah, that's how much I love that song.

It's layers that I find so beautiful and appealing with the song. On one level you've got Common, commending his woman for being open, not just sexually but emotionally, to his love and appreciation of her body, mind and spirit. His word play is witty, playful but still delves deep (pause?) into that part of me that questions; do men notice those small things? Do they know as much as I like to think they do? Also as a woman who has trouble with trust, not only in others but in herself, the idea that a man could tap into that feeling and write a response directly to it? Perfect.

D'Angelo's piece is more of personal reminder; no matter how far I've come, there's always so much further to go. On one hand that idea terrifies me: is life just a never-ending game of leap-frog where we just leap forward off the backs of our previous accomplishments, never content with where we are? Is there ever happiness in stillness? Then on the other hand, how hopeful that thought; no matter where you are, you can still move forward, you can still go. You may be great now, but if you believe it, you can be so much greater. Wow.

Dilla's production is beautiful. Originally it's a song called "Bye" from his Donuts album. The legend around it is, knowing the end was near "Bye" was the last thing he composed. In context, hearing it by itself always makes me tear up. It interlopes Ron Isley singing a few phrases ("Don't ever say," "Goodbye," and a splicing of "I Believe"), which just touches your heart. It takes a sample of The Isley Brothers "Don't Say Goodnight" and loops it, adding heavy, heavenly bass to it. Literally, it makes me cry on it's own. But coupled with Common and D'Angelo, it makes me feel listless and hopeful, jaded but still beautiful.

I have a feeling, when I'm nearing seventy and have to wear a hearing aid, I'll still be listening to this song. I'll still be feeling complexly happy, albeit because I'm nearer to the time where it'll be time for someone else, bigger than myself to assess how far I've come. And please believe, when that beat drops in heaven, I'll know I've made it.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Musing 3...4? Probably 3...Right?

You feel how you allow yourself to feel...

It's a concept I hadn't really got a grasp on until recently, but now that I have, all the extra just doesn't matter as much. Come, walk with me for a second...

I'd been so messed up over this guy from a long time ago that it was keeping me from seeing the ones right in front of me. Why? Because I felt slighted. Because I felt cheated. Because I felt like that dude took most of what I loved about myself and used it to his advantage to make me feel stupid. That whole situation was almost a year ago, and it was still haunting every move I made.

Until one day I woke up and asked myself why did I feel that way now though? Why, if that one guy made a mistake, would I punish others who come after him, but moreover why punish myself anymore by buying into the notion that I was stupid, that I got cheated, or I got taken advantage of? If it were true (which, for clarity's sake, it isn't), it was true awhile ago and had no bearing on what I did now, not unless I let it.

I've learned to let go of a lot of things. Some people are just stuck in their ways, not knowing or caring how they treat you. Some people are just mean, others are just stupid, but their surliness and stupidity can't make you think less of yourself, or think that you aren't worth what you and God know you are.

Let them call you what they want to. Let them think of you what they will. But know this: it only matters if you make it matter. That's not to say you can't get up in your feelings about things but recognize how much about you it is, and how much about that other person's perception of you it is. If it's all you, then by all means, get emo. But if it's about them...let it be about them. Apologize for how they feel if you want to, but don't let them be a hindrance to you.

I used to think because of this one guy, I wasn't pretty. I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. Nobody wants a stupid, ugly chick right? I used to think, as a child, that I was bad for asking questions that nobody could answer. As a teen, I used to think it was wrong to have emotions. And now...I question everything, I feel everything, and I flaunt my curves. And I don't apologize for any of it. And what, son?

Let it go! Be happy! Be triumphant! Be loose? adventurous? you :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


I'm a reflective girl. A girl who's gaze kind of glazes near the  end of conversations. A girl who's always thinking of ways to make herself better, to quell the sadness that finds it's way around her heart. A girl who still manages to smile with her eyes. I'm a girl who thinks so much that I forget what it is I need to do, things I need to find to make me feel like me.

I used to think the thing I needed was love. Attention from someone who I could share my whole self with, not just the bright, shiny pieces. Someone who would treat me as I know I am, like a Russian doll, with smaller and smaller parts until you get down to the smallest, but most beautiful piece. A person to treasure me as I've always wanted, dreamed and hoped to treasure another. But I've been thinking for awhile now that love isn't the thing I lack; Mom, Dad, W, SoulBrotha...I don't lack for love. What I'm missing in life, after years of teenage pining and wishing and praying, isn't love, it's sincerity.

There are rare times when my far off gaze focuses, and I'm able to open my heart and let everything I know of myself out into the world. I say that I'm lonely. I say that I'm sad. I say that I wish I were in a better place to help those who are often helpful to me. The one thing I don't recall saying is that I just want something real. I want an authentic life, something that brings genuine joy to me. Mom always says to speak it into existence...why haven't I said it before?

I started thinking that it wasn't attention necessarily that I needed (let's be honest, if you're not specific enough, next thing you know you're getting all kinds of awkward, dirty and just plain wrong solicitations) but a sincere interest. Someone interested in more than my rack and hips. More than what I could offer to them. A person interested in me, interested in what makes me.

W hurt my feelings awhile ago; a guy I'm thinking of being more into wanted to hang out after he got off work. Though it was nine, I didn't see much wrong with it, but W says it was obvious what dude was up to. Cue my doe eyes; why would I think that he was trying something off-hand when all he said is let's hang out? Where does that mean "say let's get naked?" It was her tone, the condescending way she rattled off what he was really up to that made me just sigh and want to cry.

It felt like she was saying nothing is real, nothing any guy will ever say to me will ever be what he truly means. For a girl like me who craves the closeness, a girl with obvious trust issues no Drake and self-esteem issues that's like a shot to the chest; why? Why can't a person say what they mean? I do. Why can't I accept a person at face value? Why is it naive of me to hope that a person is interested in more than what's between my legs?

At that point, before I started sinking in to feeling sorry for myself I just shook it off and said with squared shoulders "F*ck them, all of them." I refuse to believe that nobody is genuine. I refuse to believe that every word has to be analyzed, every action scrutinized. Does it happen that people are disingenuous? Yes. Every time? No, and to believe so would put my soul in a terrible place of disbelief in what's true; good things happen all the time as long as your heart is open to them and your back isn't to them.

 If I am what's real, any of the extra fakeness will fade and phase into the background. If I am sincere, I will attract it. If I know I'm beautiful, I'll attract people who see that beauty. If I am what it is I want I can stop looking for it in the faces of strangers and be happy looking into my own reflection with a wide, honest smile.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Stop Thinking; Just Go

I'm a sensual girl. I love to eat and feel the textures and different tastes. I love to hear great music and smile and sway to new beats. I find my joy on warm Autumn days with soft breezes and low humming lawn mowers, but it never dawned on me to maybe find that joy in the arms of a person until recently.

You remember the guy? That young one who had to learn a lesson? I love a man who learns, let me tell you. A few days after that incident he apologized profusely with puppy-dog eyes and repentant demeanor and I just smiled and said okay. In truth I should've apologized too; I was a little drunker, meaner, and harder on him than I really should've been, and it had everything to do with me and nothing to do with him. My perception of him, this "I think I'm somebody because I'm pretty" perception, made me lash out at every guy I'd ever met who happened to be like that through him. Unfair, I know. So I accepted his apology, and said that if he wanted we could learn to be friends.

And now we're learning and I'm learning not to be such a snap-dragon; he's a little like I thought he was, but the more I learn about him, in tidbits mind you, the more accepting I am that a) I was a little wrong about him and b) he might just be interesting beyond his pretty boy charm. I think the turning point was when he told me that he just wanted to love someone with the most sincere demeanor and "ah whatever" shrug I'd ever seen. It made me smile and think...maybe...

Jason, as I'll call him, gives amazing hugs; I told him this just the other day, and now he's taken to hugging me whenever he can. It makes me smile, the fact that he not only hears me, but understands what it is I'm truly saying. I'm growing to like him, but fear of liking him too much or being hurt has me thinking more than doing or saying which may or may not be a good thing. I like him, but am not sure I should or should continue to.

And what about Johnny? Well, he's still milling around too; he's taken a little bit to warm up to me, but we're warming pretty good. Romantically, I don't know, but warming none-the-less; I'm not even sure if romance is what I'm looking for, or if genuine companionship is my aim. In any case, what's a girl to do...

I forget to let go sometimes. To not be so judgemental and forward in thought. It trips me up in my walking life and befuddles my mind to the point I can't move for thinking so much. So what am I going to do? I'm going to roll and let the chips fall where they may, as I'm learning that in adulthood, sometimes, you just gotta go for it, whether you think it'll work or not.

The message for today: Stop thinking, and just go. If you keep thinking of reasons why not to do something you'll eventually convince yourself out of what you've wanted all along. Take a deep breath and a leap of faith, and no matter how it turns out, you'll be better for the experience. Unless it's drugs. Just say no to those.

XoXo - Tes