I'm a sensual girl. I love to eat and feel the textures and different tastes. I love to hear great music and smile and sway to new beats. I find my joy on warm Autumn days with soft breezes and low humming lawn mowers, but it never dawned on me to maybe find that joy in the arms of a person until recently.
You remember the guy? That young one who had to learn a lesson? I love a man who learns, let me tell you. A few days after that incident he apologized profusely with puppy-dog eyes and repentant demeanor and I just smiled and said okay. In truth I should've apologized too; I was a little drunker, meaner, and harder on him than I really should've been, and it had everything to do with me and nothing to do with him. My perception of him, this "I think I'm somebody because I'm pretty" perception, made me lash out at every guy I'd ever met who happened to be like that through him. Unfair, I know. So I accepted his apology, and said that if he wanted we could learn to be friends.
And now we're learning and I'm learning not to be such a snap-dragon; he's a little like I thought he was, but the more I learn about him, in tidbits mind you, the more accepting I am that a) I was a little wrong about him and b) he might just be interesting beyond his pretty boy charm. I think the turning point was when he told me that he just wanted to love someone with the most sincere demeanor and "ah whatever" shrug I'd ever seen. It made me smile and think...maybe...
Jason, as I'll call him, gives amazing hugs; I told him this just the other day, and now he's taken to hugging me whenever he can. It makes me smile, the fact that he not only hears me, but understands what it is I'm truly saying. I'm growing to like him, but fear of liking him too much or being hurt has me thinking more than doing or saying which may or may not be a good thing. I like him, but am not sure I should or should continue to.
And what about Johnny? Well, he's still milling around too; he's taken a little bit to warm up to me, but we're warming pretty good. Romantically, I don't know, but warming none-the-less; I'm not even sure if romance is what I'm looking for, or if genuine companionship is my aim. In any case, what's a girl to do...
I forget to let go sometimes. To not be so judgemental and forward in thought. It trips me up in my walking life and befuddles my mind to the point I can't move for thinking so much. So what am I going to do? I'm going to roll and let the chips fall where they may, as I'm learning that in adulthood, sometimes, you just gotta go for it, whether you think it'll work or not.
The message for today: Stop thinking, and just go. If you keep thinking of reasons why not to do something you'll eventually convince yourself out of what you've wanted all along. Take a deep breath and a leap of faith, and no matter how it turns out, you'll be better for the experience. Unless it's drugs. Just say no to those.
XoXo - Tes