Saturday, October 29, 2011

Everyone's Got Something

I don't find myself in too many situations that I don't know how to deal with and I rarely find myself making super wrong decisions. I think out most, if not all, of my moves and that's why my seemingly small, self-destructive moods wreck havoc on my logical side and make me question why I do the things I do.

As previously stated I've been on the depressed side of life lately, and have been really down on myself. I don't find myself smart or attractive or any of the things I worked so hard to see in myself previously. And for an ego boost, I did something out of character for me and woke up feeling ashamed of myself and where I was heading, and noted that, though it was a one time thing over the span of a few days it still was something that normally I wouldn't do.

In my head at the time it was a means to an end; I wanted attention, any kind, and that was a quick and easy way to acheive it but yet, in the end it didn't fill that part of me that's sad and wanting for something. In fact, it just made it worse, like I was feeding it by trying to stop it, adding on to the feeling of worthlessness and loneliness.

After realizing what I was doing, and why, it made it easier to make a clean break from it, but I think I'm one of the lucky ones. True, I still feel the way I feel, but I'm pulling out of it. And admittedly, my self-destructive thing isn't as bad as many depressed people's may be, and for that I'm grateful. But I do know that it can be a broad spectrum. It could be drinking and drugs, risky behaviors with strangers, self-harm, or as simple as pictures on the internet, but everyone has a "something," and knowing that makes me feel oddly better.

Knowing that, although different, everyone has something that alerts them or others when they aren't truly themselves makes me feel not as alone. And although I wish I could take back my something, doesn't mean that I necessarily regret it as it's shown me another side, albeit a darker one, to my personality. More importantly though, it's shown me a way out of it so that I can avoid it in the future.

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