Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Sometimes I Forget My Creativity

It's odd how we never know how much we use a letter until we have to keep copying and pasting it. In any case, that's just what I did. And what I'm going to do again sometime this week. I just stopped by this time to leave a little piece of me that I always forget exists behind; the poet. I don't rhyme much, and I often write about love and the depth of the human mind/body/spirit...and now's no different. Sometimes there's so much going on in my head, in my heart and in my soul that there's nothing I can do to get it out. Nothing but write. I call it "Know Me"...so here goes...

If I could take all the things I feel about you
Think about you
Dream about you
And hold them in my hands
Wrap them in a gift box
A big one
And give them to you
I don't know if I could

I want you to know me
To see me
Beyond the shy smiles
And easy laughs
And into my person
I want you to want to
See me that is
And be with me in spite of
Or because of seeing me
Not even exclusively
Okay a little exclusively
But how do I convey all that
Without seeming so so so...

I don't want you to think
That I'm this breezy, prim and proper girl
I'm elusive
And admittedly a little vulgar
Okay f*ck it, very vulgar
And that's not even touching the depth of me
But I'm so afraid
Afraid that getting to know a person will change me
Afraid that I'm never enough
Afraid of never being seen
Not just by you, but anybody
So how would you know?

So how would you know I'm this girl?
This funny, smart and loving girl
Who's favorite word is four-letters and can't be said in church?
Who's favorite thing to do is sit quietly and breathe deeply as if air was precious?
Who loves to joke and tease, talk and listen just as much as sit in silence or jam to music?
If all you've ever seen of me were glimpses
Shadows of the me that hides behind that veneer
That ice
That barrier that was built once upon a time when I loved too hard
And fell too quick
With no one to catch me or bandage my broken heart?

I won't lie and say I'm the model girlfriend
Because sh*t, I don't know
I won't lie and say you're my ideal guy
Because hell, you're about as gun shy as I am
And in the time that we've known each other 
We still don't know each other
But damn it, I want to
Know you that is
And have you know me too
And not just like two people
Who happen to be similar
And fall into some sh*t they don't want to be in
Just for the sake of not being lonely
I want us to be known to each other
In a way that's comfortable

If I could write you reams and reams
If I could hold what I feel for you in my hands
If I could show you what the landscapes of my dreams look like
I might
But instead
I'm either going to act like it all means nothing
That you don't weigh heavy on my mind
Conscious and subconscious
And let the opportunity to be
Be myself, be with you, be myself with you
Pass me by
I'm going to throw it all in your face
In a frenzy of emotion
Of words
Of hand gestures
And with a breathless sigh
And shake of the head
Leave it all to you to decide
If you could
If you would 
If you want to
Because I want you to
Get to know me

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