Monday, October 1, 2012

Musing: Long Distance Love

Somewhere along the tumbles of life, I figured out what kind of person I wanted to be. I wanted to be kind and loving, honest and smart, and beautiful, not just for how I look but for who I am. I figured out that I wanted to be loved, appreciated and acknowledged, cherished and treated with respect. The role models I had growing up weren't the right people to really teach me those things, but somehow I found out what I wanted, what I needed of myself and anyone I allowed into my life to be.

I spent a week with Tarzan and found that all those things I wanted and even more that I didn't think to wish for, had come to fruition. For the first time I felt wholly confident in myself. I'll admit, I was nervous to meet family and friends, folks who had been hearing about me and wondering if I lived up to the hype, but I realized I didn't need to impress them; the person I had to impress was holding my hand the entire time, beaming proudly while introducing me to the people who mattered to him.

There's so much I want to say about the visit, but again, so little of him I want to share with the world. I want to talk about how loved I felt, how fun it all was, but what I'll instead focus on is how hard it is to say goodbye, even temporarily, to someone you're head over heels in love with.

It's a long goodbye, as from the minute you land, there's a stopwatch ticking down until when you have to leave again. It forces you to savor every moment, to open your eyes to the beauty of the small things, and for that, it's a great thing. But for the rest, for the separating of two folks in love? Sucks.

The long goodbye comes to a head the day of. You know and that person knows that this is the last time ya'll will be seeing each other for a minute or two. Personally, I cry. Unembarrassed, unabashed, I cry and can't stop completely. I'll occupy my mind and then the moment I let my mind wander BAM there it is; memories flood and break your heart over and over and there's nothing you can really do to stop it.

Long distance relationships are a gift and a curse; they make you fall for a person - not a look or an idea but an actual human being, and they make everything glow, even the small things. The curse of them being that you fall so in love with this other person, and you want to be there with them at every turn but you can't. Overall though, I can honestly say they aren't for the faint of heart. I can say that, if you're not serious with or about the person you're in it with, it's best to not go forward with one. And I can say that, in my case, it's one of the best things that's ever happened.

I hope he feels my love, even from this far distance. I hope he knows that the tears are from missing him, a deep sadness at not being in his presence more than anything else. And I hope he knows that I'm committed, over one hundred percent.

Something beautiful blossomed even further between he and I, something that made me feel loved beyond my wildest dreams. Something took root in me to make me want to reciprocate that feeling every chance I get and as sad as I feel now without him, the more determined that makes me to limit the long goodbyes.

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