Friday, June 11, 2010

Sometimes Being Honest With Yourself Hurts Others

I love her like I've never loved a person before, and it's a fact. You remember in kindergarten when you met your first best friend? No matter what happened, you two promised ya'll would be best friends throughout everything? I was an unusual child, and I didn't find that person until maybe five months ago. Although I moved states, it's like I'm still in the same city with her, and we're still talking about the same things we would had I been there.
Today though, was a personal trial that brought her with it. What do you do when your honesty hurts the one person you don't want to hurt? Keep it to yourself? Let that pain eat you up inside for however long that friendship lasts? Lie and disrespect everything you've built with this person? When is honesty to yourself more important than hurting (or not hurting) others?
I used to think "Never," never is hurting others worth honesty to yourself. And then I stopped sleeping. I used to think I could deal with deluding myself daily in the name of the perfect friendship. Then I stopped eating properly. I used to think nothing was worth losing someone you love... and then it hit me. The honesty is what the friendship is all about. I'd never lied to her, so this small secret I was keeping, whenever it came out, would hurt her. So it was more a question of now or later.
Underneath that though, as a friend of mine pointed out, honesty to myself lets me be honest with others; until I was open with myself about this issue, every time I pretended to be happy I would be hurting the both of us. Every missed opportunity would be another lie by omission.
So though it hurt me deeply to hurt her, so much so I was waiting on words of abuse to come (though knowing what kind of person she is, I should've guessed they wouldn't) my sanity, my clarity all of it depended on me being honest with myself first. Sometimes you are going to need to put yourself ahead of others, though it pains you, because in the long run, could you live with a lie? Could you live with the fact that you put your happiness and peace of mind behind that of others? Could you live with hurting yourself daily in ways deeper than any eye could see? I couldn't...and anyone who loves me understands that. And the same, dear reader, can be said for you. Putting yourself first may feel like a sin, but trust me, the liberation after the pain and mild disappointment is worth it all. The best you can do is apologize and do what you must for yourself. It's a hard lesson to learn, and I can't say that it gets easier, but once you've gone through it you know for sure that you are worth all the fight in the world. You are worth a little disappointment from others. You are worth a second of unhappiness for a lifetime of peace of mind.
XoXo,
Testorshia

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog and wanted to say THANK YOU for your honesty. I've just gone through a friendship break up, with two mutual friends, who didn't take it at all well. I am upset to have hurt them, but honesty and MY choice my take first place in my life. I feel uncomfortable and challenged, but know it was the right thing to do - for me. So thanks again for your post, and all the best with loving yourself and being as honest as you can.
x

Tes said...

Hi Anonymous, I'm sorry I'm just getting to this! I just had to let you know it gets better! If they're truly your friends, or were, they'll understand your need for growth and space. I hope all is well with you.