Wednesday, April 27, 2011

5. So Far To Go...

 Not just a Common song , but the story of my life. It's ironic, because before even looking at the list for day 5 of the challenge, I wanted to do a blog about the things that keep me going, my hopes and dreams. The song is actually in my top five favorites because it says everything to me...listen and I think you'll understand my perception of love and life a little better...or my general headspace when it comes to good music. ;)

In any case, the things I hope for seem so impossible to me, but to those around me they say they know I can do any and everything. I question that; how can they know when I can't? Is it my fear of making mistakes that keeps me from seeing my own potential as clearly as my friends and family, or is it just that I don't see myself as unmarred and fearlessly as they do? Is it the world I'm afraid of, or is it me as a part of it?

My hopes...I hope to finish school, but the longer I'm in it, the less and less it all seems to matter. I'm a freshman with a few credit hours and so many more to go just to get my associates of English. That means if I want to finish in 2 and a half years I have to be a full-time and a half student, taking on 15-18 credit hours per semester. I'm smart enough to do it, I think I can take the pressure, but at the end of it all, is it even worth it? I'll still be looking for jobs like most of America, I'll still be so far from where I want to be, which is my Masters of English. Is it worth it?

I hope to one day be a mother and significant other. I think I've tackled so much in my life emotionally, mentally and physically (and still have so much more to go)  but never that, not yet anyway. I don't think anything else means as much to me outside of myself than that goal of one day seeing something that I brought forth albeit painfully flourish and do great things. And the significant other thing is just that; I've never had one for more than a few days. I think it'd be nice to experience something more long-term and less wishy-washy than the angst ridden dating scene I've been used to.

I hope to one day look at my parents and know that I've made them prouder than I could ever have imagined. I tell my daddy all the time that right under making myself proud on my list of things to do is making him and mother proud, and he tells me every time he talks to me that he's so proud of what I've already done. That motivates me further and further to be greater and greater, so I know eventually, somehow, this hope is going to happen.

I know I'm strong enough to do these three or four things, but they seem so daunting in my mind until I realize where I've come from. I had titanium rods placed in my back at age 9. I survived swine flu, avian flu, and the influx of teen pregnancy. I've kept my sanity in this world this long, what's another twenty years? I've come so far...but got so far to go.

2 comments:

Im said...

Tes... i swear i've never seen someone over think so much (i'm not insulting you just wondering where all this thinking and anxiety comes from).. do you know that life can't be planned out? that it's exactly what happens when you have other plans? i feel like we need to talk face-to-face... tes finish school, while you're doing one thing, other things will fall into place

what does do to text sorry i was testing out the html tag you have at the bottom of your comment box

Tes said...

I actually get that a lot. I spend a lot of time thinking because I figure if I think things out well enough I can handle anything.

I'm full of anxiety for no reason. I have no idea why, it's just one of those things that is. I'm going to finish...I'm just worried that I won't.

You're right, we need to talk this one out. lol