Saturday, April 23, 2011

1. I Hate That I Can't Adapt Faster...

So I was reading around the web about a 30 Days of Truth Challenge* and wondered two things. 1) Could I possibly blog 30 days straight? 2) What could be gained from taking the challenge? The answers are possibly, and I don't know. But it sounds interesting enough so I'll start it anyway and see how it goes.

I don't hate many things or many people. In fact I don't think I have the capacity to hate another person or thing. I do hate ideas, and the things people do, but never the people themselves or the ideas themselves but rather what they represent for other people. That being said, I hate my life in Texas.

I've lived here for seven years all together, a few in Killeen and a few in San Antonio, and no matter where I am in the state I just feel so trapped. There's a lot to do; you can visit the Alamo, you can go to Six Flags, you can go to Cold Stone (admittedly their ice cream disturbs me as it looks like somebody threw a bunch of stuff together and put it on a cone). But what is there to do for a girl like me with so much wanting? I've been to the museums, I've been to the art galleries. I've been to Six Flags a few times, I've been to the Alamo. But where are the earthy poetry places? Where are the lounges for the 20-somethings wanting to discuss everything from politics to facts of life? Where are the people like me?

I've also noted that I get really depressed here. I didn't notice it until I moved away to stay with my father for about a year. With him I seemed to flourish, albeit after a brief period of "new home fear";I was afraid that if I started living there, I would be shipped away, so I tried to not do anything and keep my head down for half a year. But boy, when I finally started living did I ever live. My schoolwork slacked a bit (okay a lot) but I had close friends who I did everything with, I had things to do on the weekend, I tutored people for a little extra cash, and I finally felt like I was living my life instead of waiting for it.

My father was away a lot, but living in his house I felt his presence, and he'd call all the time so we could just talk and reconnect with each other. I've always been a daddy's girl, but I think that's because I feel like my father encourages me a lot more than my mother does; I feel he's always on my side, where sometimes I wonder if my mother even likes me at all.

Eventually though, he had to go and save the world, which put me in the position of either finding a job and a place in 30 days, or coming back to Texas. I tried my hardest those last thirty days. I had a few interviews that nobody knew about (which I think is an issue with me; I don't like people to know I'm doing things unless they pan out in the end) and went to the unemployment office. I found an apartment for a few hundred but without the job I couldn't keep pulling the landlord's chain. Eventually I had to move back. I think that's the saddest I'd ever been in my life.

At first, it didn't seem so bad. I got a seasonal job at a clothing store and I applied for school, but none of that seemed to be enough, at least not for mother. I had to get a better job, go to a better school, and do so as soon as possible. I know she means well when she pushes, and I know she doesn't mean to come off to me the way she does, but I get so dispirited by the things she says sometimes. I don't have many friends here and the ones I do are usually working. I'm searching for jobs everyday. I'm trying to make it work, but it seems it won't end up according to plan. But then again, what ever does?

So the thing I hate about myself is that I can't adapt to life as fast as others need me to and I hate that a bi-product of that is being disenchanted with my own life.

*If you're interested in the 30 Days of Truth Challenge, the list is http://hope.gr/30-days-of-truth/ there.

2 comments:

J.A.H. said...

Sure, you can blog for 30 days straight. It's not hard at all. I used to post on my personal blog every day without fail for years. If I can do it, you can do it. :-)

I think the main thing that can be gained is that you do greeting-card things like take stock in yourself and celebrate 'small' successes more often. It supports the "life/success is a journey, not a destination" idea (if you believe in that).

I think most everyone on the VSB has asked where the "people like me" are. You might want to ask Cab (somehow)...seems like the type who would know, even though I think he lives in Houston.

You, as we all do, have to adapt to life at your own pace. If you allow others to get you down, they will almost undoubtedly slow you down. Your success (and however you define it) is up to you.

Might be good to do little things - and maybe keep track of them, esp. if you blog for 30 straight days - so you have a record of those 'small' successes. Good things happen when we look at life as a reward rather than a responsibility.

Thanks again for the hair tip...and Happy Easter.

Tes said...

Thanks for the encouragement ^_^ I'm gonna try it out and see how well I do.
And as for the hair tip, no problem lol