Monday, April 25, 2011

3. I Forgive Myself for...

There once was a time I was so caught up in getting attention. I was used to dudes I liked falling at my feet by the dozens in heaps of bliss and passion with the unadulterated essence that is Tes. Okay, no not really, but I was used to getting what I wanted. And then this guy Chris came around.

Now Chris wasn't really anything special; actually he was quite average. He was a little older than me, but still at community college "hanging out," which should have been my first clue. I figured I could get him to like me, my quest for attention would be over, and I could move on to my real interest which happened to be his friend, and my now best friend, George. It didn't work out that way. Instead he strung me along, knowing that I was craving that attention and was actually beginning to care about him as a person and not an objective. However months down the line he decided to drop kick me in the chest by saying that he just saw me as a sister.

I felt terrible. Sure, he was a douche for what he did, but the fact remains that I saw it happening and I still went along with it in hopes of getting that mild attention high. Time has passed and I've forgiven him, but I'm still in the process of forgiving myself. I kept telling myself I was too good for him, hell, he kept telling me I was too good for him, but my blind ambition wouldn't let me see the forest for the trees.

I feel like I brought it on myself. I spent so much time stressing over making him like me, and so much energy trying to make myself more appealing to him, not realizing that by doing that I was becoming less and less appealing to others, and ultimately less and less appealing to me. I didn't know who I was at the end of that whole debacle, and it took me awhile to regain my sense of self, and that's why it's been so hard for me to forgive myself. How could I let something come between me and my soul? How did I let one bad experience sour and scare me off dating for so long?

Well, today's as good a time as any. I forgive myself for failing to remain true to me. I forgive myself for being young and learning things the hard way. I forgive myself for wasting so much time on fear, when I could be enjoying my time with adventure, romance and all the other things that Disney dreams are made of.

Why do you think it is it's so easy to forgive others, but so hard to forgive ourselves? I used to think forgiving those who trespass against you was the right thing to do as it would set you free of their influence, but if you still harbor anger and resentment at yourself for that trespass, does the act of forgiving lose it's merit?


Lina said...

I think forgiving yourself is a hard thing to do. I've done things that I shouldn't or let things happen when I always said that wouldn't be me. I'm not sure if I've ever forgiven myself b/c I always say I should have known better. Hopefully, I've learned from my mistakes and will do better in the future.

Tes said...

Hi Lina, :) Thanks for stopping by.

You should forgive yourself, even if the words seem hollow to you now. Just say "I forgive you Lina" outloud for awhile until you feel like you deserve that forgiveness. That's what I think makes it hard; we don't think we deserve it by the way we treat ourselves, but we do. Love our neighbor as we do ourselves also means forgiving ourselves where we have forgiven them.

Squeak Williams said...

I agree with Lina. Forgiving yourself is very hard to do. I've committed some acts that even though the victim of my actions forgave me, I felt that what I'd done was too reprehensible and thus did not deserve forgiveness. It kept me in a funk for a long time.

Thing is oftentimes we don't know when we haven't forgiven ourselves because it doesn't manifest until we get back to that point where we should be moving forward and wonder why we are bumping the glass ceiling. The glass ceiling is you.

Good post Tes. I admire you for being so transparent.

Tes said...

Thanks Squeakers :) I admire your admiration of me. lol