Who am I to think I'm someone special?
According to Texas and it's education system, no damn body. I've been denied another fall semester; this time I apparently didn't reach the standards set up to receive financial aid which include a certain number of credit hours and a certain GPA that coincides with those credit hours. If I had known that, say a month ago when I'd asked, I wouldn't be so shocked. If they had bothered to tell me that at any time that I'd asked, because I was there literally everyday for about a month making sure everything was falling into place, then I wouldn't be this upset. However the fact they just sent me an e-mail saying "By the way, what you did wasn't enough...and we're not going to help. Thanks, bye!" just doesn't sit well with me. All I'm trying to do is get an education so that one day I can educate others; I'm not asking them to give me anything, I'm asking them for the opportunity to be great. And they apparently don't give three damns.
It's got me wondering if it's really what I'm going to do with my life. I want to teach high school English; my most influential and ultimately helpful educators were my high school English teachers. They made me try harder, do better in a time where I was just coasting on being smarter than a lot of people instead of actually working and proving it. I want to be that person in a kid's life that doesn't let them get away with just being "smarter;" I want to be that person that changes a kid's life for the better. What's so wrong with that?
I fear that the more time I take off from school, the more time I'll get complacent with a job or a career doing something completely different than what I set out for and I don't want that for myself. I know life doesn't care about any plans I have set out or any goals that I want to attain but the more it goes on, the more I think I'm never going to make it, or worse I'll make it too late. Nothing sucks more than being in your fifties and paying off student loans, except maybe being in your fifties realizing you never did anything that you wanted to do.
Is there any point in planning when, even though I was two steps ahead, I'm now right back where I started? Is there any point in thinking that I'm meant for greater things when it seems the universe just keeps pushing back? How much harder are you supposed to push back, or do you even push at all? In any case, it's time to find a job and stop thinking that I'm greater than instead of equal to.