Friday, June 3, 2011

(7) Somewhere Song

I used to walk out of my house a lot. Just clean get up and walk out and keep walking until I got somewhere. Wherever I lived, there was always a place not too far from home but far enough for me to feel like I could get away and not be missed. There's a perch on the top of the hill near my house from which I can see for a few miles. It's not much; just lights and stars uninhibited by tall buildings or streetlights. I didn't go out for the thrill and I didn't walk out to be with anyone; I walked out to clear my mind.

One night it was raining and mother and I were having a discussion about the myriad of things I typically do wrong. I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder apparently but she's a yeller, and I don't listen well to yelling, so it went on for awhile. So when it was over, in the pouring rain and without shoes I trekked up the hill. My iPod, which I had in my sweat pant's pocket was playing one song over and over.

Something about Diddy Dirty Money's "Ass on the Floor" makes the air seem easier to breathe. I think it's the string section in the beginning, after the beat stops for a second that reminds my lungs of the feel of air right after a snow. As I stood at the vacant lot in the rain the chorus came up and I couldn't help but dance. So in the middle of the night in a vacant lot not too far from home, I danced in the rain and felt freer than I've ever felt.

It was something otherworldly the way the bass boomed in my ears and the chill of the rain didn't affect my skin. I could see my breath in the air, and I could feel myself getting soaked but in that moment, it just didn't matter. None of it mattered anymore; not the stress, not the fear, not the weight of the world. I didn't owe anyone anything, I didn't have to be anyone, I could just feel and I could just do and it felt amazing.

It was one of those moments that I said a silent thank you to God for; there are so many times in life where I feel I'm expected to be someone and do something when all I want is to just be what I am right in that moment, not what's expected. To this day, nothing has come close to dancing in the rain under God's approving night sky.  So now, whenever I hear the song, it reminds me of dancing in the rain. It reminds me of liberation. Mostly though, it reminds me of somewhere I always want to be in spirit. It reminds me of my need to be free.