My Problem with Games...

I am friends with a lot of dudes. More dudes than females actually (my best friend ratio is 2:1, favor males), which I think is weird because I'm mostly a girl's girl. They say it's because I'm not on some "girly sh*t" and I always speak truth (is that really all it takes?). In any case, it's a fact that I'm their girl. I'm short so when we roll out I'm always in the middle or the front like a bawse, I'm always the one they come to for advice like a bawse, and I'm usually the one getting picked up, patted or tossed like a...no, wait, not this time. I am cool with the weirder sex, however, some things entirely annoy me about them.

George and I have known each other a year and some change. Recently we had a fight, and even more recently we made up. A few weeks ago I decided to speak what I wanted into existence (on some "Loving You No More" type sh*t) and roll with it. Turns out, it actually worked and I no longer harbored those deep, love-poem inducing feelings. It took all of a few hours to figure out why it wasn't worth it and it just suddenly clicked that I wasn't feeling it. Not. At. All.

However, a few nights ago we are talking politics, religion, family and all of a sudden he's on some "Yo...you turnin' me on right now," type sh*t. Really doe? We're talking bout Gawd. Jesus. Obama. And he wants get all "yeah that's cool...so what are you wearing?" on me. I doesn't make sense rationally to me, but it makes all the sense in the world emotionally and strategically.

When you love someone, but are not in love with them, the list of things you'd do for them is immediately cut down. He wanted to be treated like a brother, not a lover, and so that's what happened and now all of a sudden, he's realizing he ain't got no options. My thing is, in knowing that, why play games? Why try to even make it go there once the offer is clearly off the table? Strategically speaking, the beloved has most of the power of the lover and if dudes love anything more than free food and sometimes more than lady bits, it's power. But why play powering tripping games with a girl who's already turned her console clean off? What's the point?

Maybe this is the reason all my friends (and people who meet me at bus stops) think I'm supposed to be with an older guy (or Jewish guy, which, you know, I kinda dig Jewish guys... :) ); I don't like games unless we're talking Sega or Xbox then I kicks some ass, I like being treated like a person, not a priority, not an option (Hey, hey, hey.). I'm too old for that "I like you today and maybe I'll like you tomorrow, but I didn't like you yesterday" middle school stuff. We're grown now. That doesn't work for me anymore.

The thing is, it always happens to me this way. I'm not sure if it's something I do or say, or a culmination of my actions that makes these guys think that it should be easy to just pick up a controller and play the game after putting it on pause (or even turning it clean off). Is it the fact that it works for other girls and they don't see me differently? Or is it the fact it doesn't work with other girls, but they think I"m stupid and it'll work on me? Thoughts, suggestions, gripes? I'm all ears.

Spreading love
Dropping knowledge
Lettin off steam <3

My Faith and Lack of Religion

My father thinks I'm an atheist. My aunt thinks I'm a head wrap away from Islam. My friends think I'll marry a Jewish man. Personally, I want a necklace with a cross, The Star of David, and the Star and Cresent of Islam; not because I want to "co-exist" but because I don't think we're all as different as everyone tells us we are. Whenever I'm asked my religion, I ask instead "What religion is God?" Do these opinions say something about my beliefs or the narrow way people define faith? Do my personal convictions paint me as a hypocrite in "genre" faiths or in the minds of theological purists??

God is my religion. I look at the world, trees, water, insects and all and wonder, "If not Him, how?" The world is a beautiful, but tough place and I can't imagine it being here on it's own accord. Someone would've had to taken time to think these things out. I believe God put down a cell on this planet of His and took His time to watch it become what we've become now. I don't think however that God is a genie we can ask for things, nor do I think if we pray hard enough He will change the landscapes of our lives. This is His plan; He's made it as such for His own specific reason (or by complete accident and He's just a-rolling with it). In any case, you can't reach into the middle of an experiment and change things, as it would change the outcome of every experiment, every specimen and every answer afterwards. And that's just selfish.

The people who hear me talk to God think I'm disrespectful; I don't come shouting His praises or touting His horn. Lord of Lords, King of Kings....He knows who He is; superlatives aside, what can I really say to Him in the way of awesome adjectives that He hasn't heard or know is true for Himself? Instead, I speak to Him like I would a mentor, not censoring myself on the basis that He's God and He'll smite me at any minute for saying a curse word in my frustration with the world or my own spirit. He knows who I am; He created me this way for a reason, and as such, how I speak to Him is nobody's business but mine and His. He knows I'm like that and sh*t.

I don't ask for things for myself. I think that's the reason people trump up so many adjectives for God because they want to make Him feel good before they lay into their Christmas list of things they want, need, or wish for. When I ask God for things, I don't ask him for things. I ask for understanding, I ask for patience, and I ask for strength. I ask for grace when I feel like He's put in me in a place where I have no idea what I'm doing, and I ask for love so that I feel confident in myself to do what He's placed me here for and on very rare occasions I ask for a good man (which He doesn't apparently take seriously) :). And I always say thank you, as that's just polite whether He "came through" or not for even bothering to listen to me.

I believe the God all religions worship is the same by different name. In the Eskimo language there are hundreds of words for snow. Does that mean the snow is different? Does it mean it comes in different forms? Nope, and in my opinion, neither does God.

I get upset with most "orthodox" Christians and the extremists. They quote the holy text and sing all the gospels but still don't understand the simple principle that God is love; out of love, in order to be more like God, we should treat everyone with love and respect. When I see Christians picketing funerals, outside of abortion clinics, and outside of strip clubs I just wonder what God they think they're serving by yelling cruel things to people. I wonder if they know that God is weeping for the person they're mistreating just as He would weep for them.

It would be easy to hate these people, as they give the "unorthodox/in-betweens" ones like me a bad rap, but the truth is, I can't feel anything but sadness for them. I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy awhile ago and Dr. Bailey said that people hadn't caught up to God yet in the way they treat other people. The "Christian" fans got all in a tizzy about it, not realizing they were proving her point by the way they band-wagon'd onto the words and not the meaning. I'm sad that they don't know that God isn't who and what they think He is. He doesn't want us to hate and tear down one another, but to lift each other up and make each other better.

We haven't caught up to God. If our faith is so easily swayed and narrowly defined by what we read and what we are told by our pastors instead of what we see, know and feel in our hearts, perhaps we never will. But the day we as a people fail to try, is most certainly the day when I lose my religion whatever that might be.

Spreading love
Dropping knowledge
Speaking from the heart <3

Celebrity (and Why I Don't Ever Want To Be One)

Every child has that idea, that dream, of being famous for something. I was a little different, but not by much. First I wanted to be a teacher (so I could boss people around) and then I decided I wanted to be a singing diva (for pretty much the same reason, but more money). Over time though, I leaned more towards the normal than the celebrity but until recently I didn't wonder why that was.

My father is a music man. As such my first memory of living was sitting next to a sub woofer and being amazed at the bass and the way air moved through the big box with holes in it from the music player. I was in choir for all of my school years, and even dabbled in drama onstage, not off. Everyone in my choir classes were concerned with moving up to "Cantante" which was basically high school rock star status. Everybody in my class moved up or tried to. Everyone but me. I was propositioned by the director, pleaded with by the students, and even by some weird rule required to audition. I chose, however, to stay behind and usher in every new class of choir girls until I graduated. They still remember me and the littlest things I did with and for them.

I think that's what my life is: it's not about being the best, or being the biggest, greatest star. It's about touching people, one by one, with something that makes them feel comfortable enough to be themselves, if only for a little while and by doing that, I do become one of the best, biggest and greatest. It's about making a difference. And though I think fame is a great avenue for that, it comes at a great cost and often misses the mark entirely.

We often see celebrities smiling for the cameras, happy to sign autograph after autograph, doing interview after interview. You know what we don't see? Them enjoying themselves with their real friends. We don't see them at an "intimate" romantic dinner with a new potential significant other (because there are cameras literally everywhere), we don't see them having actual fun with their family (because there are cameras literally everywhere). What we do see of them are posed pictures, and awkward, off-guard smiles that never reach the eyes as they're being encroached up on.

This past week I was watching a lot of interview videos of my favorite artists and the one that stood out the most was Drake. Yes, we all know I have a huge crush on Drake :), but what I loved about him in a particular documentary (Better Than Good Enough) is that I felt I got to see him. Behind the fame, behind the rapping, behind the wheel-chair Degrassi reference he is a guy who's learning he's obligated to his fame and realizing that fame doesn't make a person happy.

He's obligated to his fame, not for himself or the love of his music, but for the people who depend on him. Obligated to his mother and making her proud. Obligated to all these people who've put money on his career to win (or fail). With that obligation comes a kind of lacking in other areas. He often raps that he doesn't have too many real friends. Girls he likes seem to think he's always sleeping with groupies and never fully trust him. There are chasms in his family life that weren't there before. A line that he said that stuck out to me was that "Everybody is happy...I can't be the reason all that ends," and in my mind I ask what I think anyone who cares about people as people would ask; "But are you happy?"

We see these celebrities and uplift them but do we really see them? In the seconds before the camera cuts away do we notice the sadness in their eyes or the gleam off their diamond chain? Fame takes away your identity and makes it something to market, so people can become just like you. Most people, fans,  don't love you for you, but rather the idea of you and what you could ultimately do for them. Is that what makes a person happy? Is that what makes a person feel like they're living?

I sometimes forget that our brightest stars often die young or in obscurity, sometimes by reckless behaviors brought on to make people care or numb the pain, but ultimately from giving everything and still not quite receiving the love they so desperately need back; the genuine kind not hinged upon how they look, how much they make or what they do but who they are as people. Appreciate them, but treat them like human beings, not like dreams to be toyed with or items to be bought. Stop worshipping them; they are just like us, and most times, ultimately weaker than we are.

Spreading love
Dropping knowledge
Respectfully appreciating talent <3

"Doing You"

 I hate routines. I hate taking vitamins everyday. I hate waking up at the same time everyday. I hate going to the same places. That being said, I love twisting my hair while stretching my legs every night, around 11:15. The fact that I've sort of fallen into this natural hair thing denotes my tendency in life; I think about it for awhile, then one day out of the blue I just decide to do it. At first I was determined; I was reading every hair blog, reading every product's full list of ingredients, and wondering how much of everything to buy. Two months in, I've learned one major thing that's been incorporated throughout my life. You ready? Here it goes.

Nobody can tell you how to do you.

It seems so simple, but the fact is, it's always so much harder. From a really early age we learn to emulate those around us to receive acceptance and attention, and I don't think that ever changes. However, once you get older and start looking around at all these people who are like you, but not like you, you start to wonder "Who am I really?" When the question first comes up we feel fear; we've spent all this time playing pretend and now, what? We're not who we think we are?

I learned at an early age to adapt to absolutely everything. The real me didn't come to a head until my 20th year (yep, this very year). I learned to try and think and fend for myself (which is also, so much harder than the other adults make it look) and make my own decisions. A lot of times, just like with cooking, I just made a mess and things blew up in my face. But every now and then, a new piece of who I am would be revealed and make me want to keep trying, and keep going.

As for my hair, I learned very quickly what it likes (Shea butter, 100% olive and sweet almond oil, and a little orange oil) and what it doesn't (shampoos and gels). I may try new techniques on it, or things I've heard, but I never stray far from what makes my hair feel like a cloud and smell like sunshine as that's what my hair is.

In life, I think, we're all so determined to be liked for who we are, not realizing we have to like ourselves first. We all want people to accept us for who we are, not knowing that their acceptance comes first from our accepting ourselves. Be proud enough of who you are to be you, and do you, all the time, not just when you think it won't matter, because actually, it always does, and you (the real you) always does too.

Spreading love
Dropping knowledge
Accepting you for you <3

Musing (4)

Beauty is defined as something that gives pleasures to the senses or is an exemplary example of it’s kind. I’ve been thinking a lot about beauty since that stranger told me I was beautiful; I wonder what it is that makes some people’s beauty so easy to distinguish and other’s so easy to extinguish.

 I was never the beautiful girl. High school was just me giving into feeling below average in baggy jeans and over-sized hoodies. I had braces, bad acne and even worse acne scars which I still have to this day, they just get fainter and fainter as time goes on. I wasn’t, however, a quiet girl. Very opinionated, and very head-strong, I would never back down from a debate, and would frequently tell people to move when they saw me coming. I was a plain-looking firecracker.

Now that the high school stage is over for the most part, I feel myself growing into this new person. I always felt I had to speak up to be seen and be cheeky to be noticed. However, now I find that my words and voice can be soft as long as what I say has meaning and has merit to me. There are days I don’t speak at all as sometimes there’s nothing to say or no need to say it. This person I’m becoming isn’t necessarily more muted, but rather cultivated by time and knowledge, joys and pains, to be a perfect amalgamation of what and who I was.

My friends always describe me as a pretty girl with an ugly girl complex. What they mean is that I look pretty, sometimes even gorgeous, but in my mind I’m seeing something different. I see fat, I see scars, I see stretch marks, and any compliment I get I deflect on the basis that “They’re just being polite.” Over time, and a lot of pep-talks, I’ve learned to look at myself as what I am, not what I was or want to be. What I am, actually, is quite beautiful, in a Russian doll sort of way. What I mean is, the bigger part of me is ornate and vivid, but the deeper you get, the smaller the pieces of me are, and the more intimate and personal, and ultimately stunning, they become until you’re left with my soul, which is the most beautiful of all.

How do you describe beauty? Is it something you can see or touch, or is it just a feeling that makes you think “wow, that’s beautiful?” Why do you think it takes so long to acknowledge what’s good in ourselves, especially when it seems so easy for most of us to acknowledge it in others?

Spreading love

Dropping Knowledge

Finding the beauty <3

Where's the Chase?

As I've been saying all week, I've been listening to a lot of Drake. I'm talking a lot of Drake. I ran across this from his Room For Improvement mixtape and have been waxing philosophic on it.*

The song though made me wonder if it was true; is the thrill of the chill gone? Admittedly, the last time I hung out with a dude uno-a-uno (nearly a year ago) we played video games and watched horror movies fully clothed and no funny stuff until I got tired and went home. He and I are still good friends, but sometimes I do wonder what it would've been to date him. He's all sorts of awesome (and his new girlfriend can attest to that), but I wonder if other dudes are like him. Do they just hang out with girls with low expectations?

Personally, I find that when I have time to open up to a dude, I fall for him. If I'm being rushed, hurried or otherwise fussed along, I never wind up feeling it and end up pulling a Houdini. But those patient men? The ones who listen and take their time to know me? Chile...I think of them more when they let me be me, even when that means being quiet and watching them play games, write, or whatever it is they do. On occasion I'll speak up, we'll converse, and lapse back into that comfortable, chill quiet. Any dude who doesn't feel awkward with that, is a dude after my own heart.

What was I saying? Right. The thrill of the chill. Where is it? Lately it's all "what's your email? I'll Tweet you," "what's your Facebook? I'll add you," and less and less, "what's your number so I can call you later." Plus, when did men become texters? Really though? You'd rather type to me than speak to me? I understand in some situations a person can't text but c'mon son...if it ain't work, church, or a dinner with your Nana, texting is not what's hood in the streets.

When did it happen that a girl who goes slowly is the minority? Girls who wait to feel something get the shorter end of the stick in the short term (so I hear) but reap spoils in the long term. That's all fine and good for the future me. The me now? So not satisfied with that. So what's a girl learning to live to do?

After another euphoric epiphany (doesn't that sound like it should be a perfume or a store?) I decided to just live. Just do. Make mistakes. Go out. Try life. I've been exisisting for a long time and now that I'm learning there's so much more to life than reading, writing and school that made me sound like such a nerd, right? I want to try it all. Does that mean I'll be dancing on bars soon? Not alone Not really; it just means it's time to find the thrill for myself and let the chill come later, with the right person of course.


*Sidenote: Everybody's saying he's "changed," to which I think, "Not really;" he talked about what he was going through back then...and he's talking about what he's going through now. Two different states of life. Although, admittedly I dig everything from Room to So Far Gone but not so much Thank Me. #kanyeshrug

Spreading love
Dropping knowledge
Living life <3

Skanky/Beautiful

This morning I woke up and perused my closet. I usually don't even step into my closet, as I have most of my clothes in bins and a cabinet near my bed which is why my mother thinks I live like a vagabond/homeless person. I found this really awesome, kind of low-cut yellow shirt. Color looks good on me, so I tried it on and found it fit perfectly. I put on some shorts that were not too short, and some flats. Pulled my hair back with a hair band and put on some large hoops. I looked good. I felt better.

So I'm walking around campus after my final final, iPod thumping something heavy when I hear some dude calling. I pull out my buds and look up to him smiling at me. He tells me he had to stop me and tell me I looked beautiful. After a shocked thank you, he smiled and went on about his day and I went on about mine, feeling a little more uplifted.

After class I went to scavenge for jobs at the local outlet mall. I ran into an old friend from high school, Roxie. Now Roxie is the Myspace model type and she knows this. Upon seeing me, her face went from assessing to acknowledgement. She came over to me and said hello. She thought I looked different or was different; she also thought I was looking quite skanky.

I wonder if it's pettiness that drives women to find things wrong with each other. Was she the only woman all day to give me that look? Of course not; I'm a big up top type girl and the shirt is a tad risque but in a classy way. Those other women, upon seeing me see them, would smile or nod except this one rude lady at the bookstore who looked at me as if I gave her visual herpes. I know they're doing what I sometimes do; they're wondering about my character, about my lifestyle, about my respect for myself. They always say don't judge books by their covers, but now-a-days, who really reads books? We're so used to getting our synopses quickly, instantly even, that we don't take the time out to even read a page of the actual book.

Men are so much easier to decipher in this situation: they're usually genuine. And when they're not, they just want to sleep with you. Either way, a woman can derive a compliment from that. I wonder if that guy had it in his mind to make my day, or if he thought I got that same phrase all the time. I wish I could've told him how much it means to me to be called beautiful; I don't get it often and I feel it even less. I hope that more men take a page from him; he spoke his piece and let me marinate on it, and now, I know definitely the next time I see him, I'll be the one approaching.

Was I beautiful to him because I was "skankily clad" or was it my content spirit shining through me that made me so? And was Roxie right? Was I technically skanky by what I was wearing, with or without prior knowledge of who I am? Do you think superficially beautiful women try to intentionally tear at the internally beautiful ones? Am I the only one who takes joy in proving people who thought they knew you, really don't?

Spreading love
Dropping knowledge
Sharing beauty <3