Friday, June 22, 2012

Musing: And So I Told Her...

She said "I want a love like you and he have. I want to be in love like that," and I laughed in my head before dropping to her, in short form, the knowledge I'm about to drop on you.

Everybody wants to be loved, but while we young girls are wishing it up, we aren't wishing for a love of our own. Romantic comedies, Disney, and R&B songs tell us we should all love roses, we should all want to have sex all night...all women should desire this same kind of love. How untrue that is, and how sad that so few of us realize that from the jump.

You never know what goes on in someone else's relationship. While they're holding hands and kissing in public, he could beat her once they get home, she could be cheating on him and we, the world, don't see that. We're focused on the front that it's all good, that they're happy all the time, instead of the realities of a relationship. Even if it's not as extreme as that example above, we the people never get to see the work that goes into that happiness, or the lack of work that goes into it's demise.

Love is only the first step is what I told her, and it's true. You have to love yourself first, and as cliche'd and "not what I wanna hear" as that statement is, it's the truth. I'd been waiting to fall in love since I was thirteen years old. I'm twenty-one and for the first time fell head over heels for someone only after starting to learn how to love myself. By taking time to figure out who I am and what I like, instead of what I was told I should like, I knew what it was I genuinely was interested in in myself so could I seek that in someone else.

After loving yourself, I told her, the next thing is finding someone who's willing to love you for who you are right at this minute, not someone who loves you for who you will one day be. If they can see the good in you right now as you are (as well as the bad) and still love you anyway? They deserve the greatness that you will one day be.

The final thing I told her is that it's work. The love is the easy part; it comes in and fills all the spaces between you two. The work is maintaining that, making sure that the love is enough. That can be anything you deem it to be, whether it's making time for each other, learning how to communicate effectively or just not being as much a bitch as you usually are, anything towards your progress not only as a couple but as individuals. If you're not willing to work hard on yourself, how can you be expected, or know how to put in the work, with and for someone else?

I'm not sure if I got through to her; the love I have isn't for the faint of heart. The love I have took time, patience, and getting into those parts of being a human that are tough for a lot of people, getting into those true emotions and facing who you are and who you want to be. A lot of times we're so afraid of being honest with ourselves, of being contrary to what "society" tells us we should be that we miss out on the true beauty of life, which is living it and exploring it for ourselves.

Remember that when pining after or coveting someone's relationship. You don't know what they're really like or going through, you don't know anything but what they present. Under all that though, who are they really? Who is he, who is she, who are they together? In your own relationship, don't try to define who you are by who he (or she) is, and don't define that other person at all: just know who you are, and where you're going, and (with some work) hope that that other person will be along for the ride.


Anonymous said...

"...the next thing is finding someone who's willing to love you for who you are right at this minute, not someone who loves you for who you will one day be."

This, my dear, is wisdom.



Tes said...

That, my dear, is apparently hard to come by. I appreciate that you see it though :)