I've been reading a lot lately. Working more than that. Thinking things through, and noticing life patterns not only in myself and those around me, but people I have never met. Everybody's coming out of the closet so to speak recently (by the way, where or why is that the phrase for when people expose their true selves? Can't we come up with something...better?) and I figured it was time I came out with something too.
I am afraid.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, and that terrifies me. In such a world as this one where nothing is certain or definite, and me being the type of person who needs a set plan or way to think and do, not having any idea where I'm going is the second scariest thing in the world to me.
It seems everybody wants me to do and be and act and jump and run and I just...can't. Or rather, I won't. Not until I know what I'm doing, who I'm being, what I'm jumping for and where I'm going to end up. And the sad fact that I'm starting to realize is I'll never have all those answers; I'll never feel safe enough in and of myself to just go and be confident in myself and what I can do, never blatant enough to just grab at what I want and not be afraid of any failure that may come from that.
So, I've just got to jump. I've just got to go. I've got to do and not be so worried about the consequences for once that I get locked up in my own little hand-made prison of dreams never chased and opportunities never explored. So I'm terrified. I don't know what the plan is. I'm just doing what I feel and crossing my fingers that it'll all end up in the black. Isn't that how everybody else does it? *shrugs*
I know you're now wondering what the first scariest thing is. Simply put, loving someone. I love W. I love my Soul Brotha and my parents. But Tarzan? It's so different and new and I'm so afraid of messing it up. Not enough that I don't enjoy it, mind you, but afraid nonetheless. He's the first love. He's the first person I'm sharing all my dreams and fears with (other than ya'll of course :) ) and I feel liberated by that but at the same time, coming from my mindset of never trusting more than 2 people at any given time allowing this new person in, giving them the power to destroy me and just praying that they won't, is terrifying.
But it's like Jagged Edge said, it's all in the mornings; those looks and kisses, that peace. I can't give that up without a fight. And so now the real business, the real work starts. I don't want to be away from him any more than I've got to be and so my mile a minute mind is planning and stacking chips and working crazy overtime, unsure of what I'm doing it all for, but the endgame, the big picture? I see that clear as day, and if ya'll have been reading me, ya'll know exactly what that is too.
I understand what my parental figures are saying: I've got to do for myself before I can do for anybody else, I've got to have me together before I invite anybody else in to share it with. But in all honesty, they want me to jump, right? So what if I have a jumping partner, so long as I'm doing what I feel I have to. I feel confident enough in what I've already accomplished, in what I already know I can do that I'm ready to push that envelope, first definitely for myself and then...maybe...
Love makes you fearless. I'm not used to that, as I've been scared for so long. And that fearlessness is what scares me about it; fearless people are usually the ones you hear about on the news dying from unusual things but the people who I feel bad for upon their deaths are the ones who look back at all the things they should have, could have and would have done had they just not had that fear, had they just had the confidence.
So this thing I'm working on, this idea, is it foolish? Probably. I don't know. I just know that it encompasses everything I'm trying to do, not only for myself, but for my unit, my relationship with an amazing person who, if I had been too afraid to speak up to, I may not have had. Ain't that something?
So if I'm "coming out" of anything, it's the fear. It's the trepidation and lack of confidence in what I can do. It may be foolhardy, and I may learn a painful lesson from it all, but it's also brave and may lead to me having the "enough" that I've been seeking out for so long. Don't think me naive enough to think it'll all run smoothly, but I don't want to be that person, facing death, and looking back at this moment, this time in my life with regret. I want to look back at it and smile and feel joy and pride in my heart for staying true to who I am and those dreams that I chased and opportunities I either took advantage of or made for myself.