Sunday, July 15, 2012

Surprise Yourself*

I surprised myself recently.

You ever have those moments when you're confronted with a decision which, if it were a few years ago (hell, for some of us a few hours ago) before learning a lesson or looking at something with new eyes, we would have chosen differently than we have now? You ever have moments when, placed side by side with what you used to do and what you do now, you find more pleasure in now than then? Most all of us feel that way at some time or another, but I think because I put my emotions on the back burner in much of my walking life I haven't had time to notice it.

I am surprised at my joy. For so long I wasn't a happy person; I was angry, bitter, sad and depressed or working my way up to happy, but now? There's so much more than happy in me. There's joy, and faith and so many things that were missing throughout so much of my life and it just takes my breath away. For instance I hate doing chores; my room (since Tarzan left) was covered in clothes, hair products, papers balled and unballed, shoes and packs of tissues. But one day, I just cleaned it. And the hallway. And the bathrooms. And suddenly, I was singing, and cleaning and didn't think twice about it. Joy is a motivator.

I am surprised at my kindness. I've always been a sort of kind person; when it would suit me to be so, or when I was too distracted to be otherwise it would just kind of happen. But now I'm more knowledgeable of my kindness; I know what I'm doing is a kind thing, but don't harp too much on the act. I do kind things for people, not necessarily for them, but because it makes me feel good to help another person (or group of people) out.

I am surprised by my thirst for knowledge. I'm a smart girl, and I always have been, most likely always will be. But I know things. Things regular people walking down the street might not necessarily know. I know what causes inflammation, which animals are psychologically self-aware and how to eat perfectly with chopsticks. I know things that, deep down, none of us can know for certain, but I know them for myself and don't force anything I know onto anybody else (part of that whole kindness thing I was telling you about earlier).

So I guess I'm learning to surprise myself more often. I surprise myself with how well I seem to do my job everyday. I surprise myself with the determination I have to reach my dreams (the ones I have set in stone anyway). I surprise myself by being myself, not by what other people expect and/or want me to be.

Try surprising yourself. Do something different. Say something different. Think something different. If you don't like who you are, or who you think you're becoming, be someone different. Chose to surprise yourself with the good things and the fun and exciting things you are, rather than disappoint yourself with who you are not and what you perceive to be your short-comings.

*I normally hate surprises, but if they're coming from me (and I can kind of see them coming) I can make an exception.

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