So a funny thing happened in Podunk, Texas.
I'm not sure if you've been reading for awhile, but I've been in love with this guy from New Jersey for a couple months. It was one of those intangible sort of things where I was in love with his spirit, his heart and the way he formed thoughts. I was in love with major pieces of him, but this past week, I got to love all of him at once. Shockingly enough, I think he may have loved all of me right back. Even more shocking, I wasn't second guessing it, wasn't doubting it; I finally felt like I deserved something, that I deserved him.
The feeling isn't...I can't even put into words what it means to me. It's like cruising down the highway with the perfect song playing and wind in your hair. When trying to explain it to him I use Camp Lo's "Luchini" - we're a musical couple, and he totally gets what I meant by it, but I'll try to use words...
He made me feel as if I glowed, as if I were made from precious, irreplaceable material. As if I was the cutest, sexiest, most adorable thing he'd ever laid eyes on. I felt weightless and heavy at the same time, heady but level. It felt as though, in every moment with him, I was who I was always meant to be. I felt like a woman: classy, elegant, but not too snooty to not have fun and be chill. I felt like his woman, like everything I did (or didn't do) was understood and appreciated. It all came together like fingers twined while walking down a river walk...
When he had to go back to his life in New Jersey... It felt like I'd lost this whole world he and I had made, where everything was beautiful, fun and meaningful. I felt like I'd lost my best friend, and my love in one, full sweeping day. I can't tell you how much I cried, all I know is the first two days of it exhausted me, and I still shed a few tears the days after. Literally, this morning was the first morning without him that I didn't cry. I still can't sleep without his favorite shirt (either next to me, cuddled up with me, or on my person). I even well up in the middle of my day when thinking about certain minuscule moments, like holding hands in stores, or hearing him snore while he slept.
A lot of people who talk about my generation say we feel entitled: we deserve money, fame, love, happiness...but I've never thought that. I never thought anything should be handed to me, although when it was, it was much appreciated. No, instead I used to think "Who are you to think you deserve these nice things? What have you done to be worthy of them?" For a time in my past, I didn't deserve anything, and a little bit beyond that point I started living my life in a way that left no marks, no scars on anyone else. I was determined to live that life, not so I would one day deserve something, so that I could grow to feel good about the person that I am, the person who I was working towards being. Even in doing so, I still didn't think I deserved love.
A funny thing happened in Podunk, Texas. I realized I was capable of loving and being loved. I realized that loving someone, if it was the right person, is effortless. I'm reminded of a quote by Khalil Gibran that says something to the effect that love doesn't take from anything but love and seeks nothing in return and it's true; I didn't want anything from him but him, and he didn't want anything from me but me. The funny thing, the amazing and beautiful thing that happened is that I finally realized that I do deserve love; I deserve it because I am finally ready for it.