Monday, June 11, 2012

Musing: Is it Real?

'What're you doing with him? Can't find a man in your city? Is it even a real relationship?" I've heard the questions and talking behind my back (or to my face) about my relationship for a minute but just always choose the high ground because odds are, even if I do explain coherently and concisely they still wouldn't understand; love isn't something that's easy to explain to people.

What am I doing with this guy, this guy who's thousands of miles away? Simply, I'm loving him, or rather trying to love him the best I can, in spite of the distance between us. Trying to show him how valued he is in my life. Trying to be the type of woman he can be proud of, whether we are together as a couple or as friends kicking it (although the former is what I'm aiming for more). How is that any different from any other relationship?

The distance hurts, no lie, hurts more than I originally thought it would. After his visit I wasn't right (okay, maybe "am not" would be the better phrase to use), couldn't sleep right or eat right and just felt as if I lost not only my love but my best friend in one full sweep. It's scary, realizing that you're all in. Scarier even when you haven't ever felt that feeling before and don't know how to cope. But even through that hurt, even though it still stings and will sting until I'm in his arms again, because of who he is, it's worth it.

He once said that he visited a Queen and became a King and that stuck with me somewhere deep. In my eyes he was a king before he arrived here, long before. The choices he's made in life, and his heart which is so beautiful, are what makes him so. Me? I'm just some girl from Podunk, Texas in love with him, but knowing that he sees me as a Queen, as his queen? Spins my perception, deepens this whole love thing as it shows he sees me in a light brighter than the one I view myself in, unmarred by insecurities and blemishes from past fears.

Why do I love him? I don't know, but does anybody ever really know, can anybody ever really pin point one thing that makes them love someone else? Before he got here, I was confused about a lot of things, thinking that the passion or lust or whatever ignites the physical attraction was missing. Intimacy was missing, to me, because he didn't say he loved me everyday, or he didn't text or call everyday but it's not in his nature to do so, even if it is in my nature to crave that sort of frequent validation. I was wrong: the intimacy isn't necessarily physical or lust driven. The intimacy is driven by comfort and honesty, trust and a willingness to grow together and we've got that.

Couldn't I have found someone here to love and be with? Honestly, I'm sure I could have, but I wasn't checking for them like that (as I'm sure they weren't checking for me) and I don't think I was ready. I may have said or thought I was, but months ago when I was lamenting my love life, or lack thereof, I wasn't in the mindset of someone ready to grow with someone else, at least not for the right reasons. I'm sure I could've found someone, but no one like him.

So my question then is, is it really different, our relationship from others? When you cut down to the marrow of any relationship it's about the love, the attraction, and the willingness to work, and our relationship has those same qualities as those that are made by couples who are able to see each other everyday. I just think we're more grateful for the chance to be together, more appreciative of every glance, every touch and kiss, and it makes us want to work harder to be together.

So to those who question is it real, I counter with why wouldn't it be? Unconventional though our initial start was, it consisted of the same "getting to know you" that other relationships have, but because of the distance and so many other factors we had to learn each other with words, with talking and hearing nuances in each other that most couples don't start picking up until months in. I invite those people who say it isn't real to look at my tear stained pillow, listen to my weary voice when I speak, and tell me that what I feel isn't a real thing.

No comments: