Sunday, June 10, 2012

Love Expands

Hey yous guys.

I want to write something deep and prolific and yada yada about my week with my boyfriend, Tarzan but, seeing as he just left to go back home, I'm don't know if I'm good for it, but I'm definitely going to try because there's so much I want to say, but so little of him that I want to share; most of him I want just for me, but I can certainly tell you a couple things.

When he got here I was so nervous about putting my foot in my mouth or doing something stupid, especially when I saw him for the first time. He's tall, with slanted brown eyes and a lanky build, and when he smiles my whole world fills with music and peace, even that very first time. We were nervous, bumbling with his bags and hugging. No lie, for the first few hours it was a bit quiet, but then we held hands on the way to a concert, and from that point on nothing else felt forced or awkward, at least on my end.  From the first time he held my hand I don't think I went for maybe five minutes without touching him, just to be sure he was actually there, real and tangible... And just because I couldn't keep my hands off his sexy self.

What I grew to love most was the way he would look at me. In the mornings, after the sun would rise I would turn to see him looking at me with the most adoring look on his face, and for maybe ten or fifteen minutes we would just look at each other, saying everything without saying a thing. The way he looked at me...there's nothing like that, nothing in the world that could make a girl feel so big and so small at the same time. There's nothing that can make a girl forget all her insecurities, all her hang ups and the stress of the rest of the world with such simplicity and definiteness. When he looked at me I felt loved and nothing else mattered but me and him.

Giving him back to the rest of the world broke (breaks, and is breaking) my heart. I wanted to build my whole world around that weightless, heavy feeling I had with him. I wanted to build my whole world around the love I felt in my heart for him. I still do. Albeit, this week was far from everyday life, far away from the troubles of work and bills and everything else we have to face as functioning adults in the world, but even in knowing that, I have this crushing want to see him every day in a normal sort of way; I want to wash our dishes and cuddle up to watch sports or cartoons, talk about life and love and hopes and dreams. I want a life with him, and I've never thought of sharing my life with a person before.

If there was any doubt in my mind before about what I was working so hard for, or where I wanted to be, it's gone now; I just want him. I want to be near enough to see him without catching a plane, train or automobile. I want to be able to cook for him and hold his hand. I want him more now, than I ever did before which, at the time, I thought was impossible. But, as I've learned this past week, love expands, and fills up all the spaces, even the ones you weren't sure were there.

The one thing I want though is for him to know he is undoubtedly loved. He is everything I didn't think to ask for. He is the King who made a Queen out of me and no matter what, I'm forever in his debt for that. Your girl is a goner. Totally, completely and unashamedly in love with an amazing guy scary as it is, as unsure as any of our futures ever are, I can't wait to see what's in store for me and him.


Anonymous said...

That is one of my favorite songs on the album, even as some of the others fit my life better now. I am so, so... so.very.glad it was what you wanted it to be. (((hugs)))


Tes said...

Never wanted it to end. I miss him so much and am even more determined now to move East as it's much closer to him.