Saturday, May 12, 2012

Being "Just Fine" With Me

Saturdays are my lone days off in the week. It's no excuse for not writing :( and I'm sorry... BUT, I've come back with gems.

There's a song by Chris Brown of all people that sums up my epiphany for the day called "Just Fine." In it the only thing that sticks out to me is the chorus "I think God will give you someone much better than me. Your life will be okay, you'll be alright. It'll be just fine." I wonder where that mantra was a few years ago.

It's no secret that I've had my heart broken before. It used to weigh down every conversation, every thought and every move I made with a settled, stifling heaviness. I couldn't meet anyone's eyes for awhile after that and have recently just began to meet my own without that guilt and self-loathing hiding behind them. The whole thing, in my mind, was my fault. If I'd have been a better girlfriend candidate he wouldn't have treated me that way, I wouldn't have ended up hurt and this whole "finding myself" thing wouldn't be needed. I'd be someone's miserable ass girlfriend.

Someone was looking out for me. Maybe it was him. He often told me he didn't deserve me and I always thought he was being self-depreciating but it turns out he was totally right. He didn't deserve me. Every moment with him was a moment on edge, worrying about his next move, my consequent strategy and other girls who could come in at any time and replace me, because he didn't treat me like I was anything necessarily special, just available. If he'd have let me, I would've been his girlfriend, probably would still be his girlfriend to this very moment.

I'd be somewhere crying, blowing up his phone, drinking and upset. I'd be wondering if he was cheating at every turn. I'd wonder where he and I were going, where he and I were currently, what I could do to fix it all. I'd be driving W absolutely bonkers. I wouldn't be me. Not the me I was, am, meant to be. The me who thinks and feels for herself, the me who, despite every criticism still rocks her natural hair every day, still sings (sometimes off key) at the top of her lungs while driving, the me that is so right.

I'm a dope chick, legit shit. Do I struggle? Every day, with something or another it's a struggle but I always try to find that one thing that'll make it all worth it. Sometimes it's W. Sometimes it's my dreams. Some times it's Tarzan or my budding friendships with amazing people. There's always something, somewhere that makes the struggling worth it, even if it is for that one moment, and the me I am now recognizes that and keeps on trucking, instead of being stuck in such a terrible, confining headspace.


God gave me someone so much better than that dude. God gave me me. People will come and go, situations will change, but the thing that is constant, the thing that I'll always have, is me. And honestly, that's better than any dude in the world.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I thought about you this morning... has your guest arrived?

Chunk

Tes said...

Funny you should ask...I just finished a blog about it :)