Sunday, January 1, 2012

A hiatus...for Friends?

First and foremost :) happy new year. Thanks for sticking with me throughout this first year of putting myself out in the world, in the open for the world to hear; by reading, either silently or by commenting -hell, even just stopping by to check my playlist - you've encouraged me to explore myself further and further so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

...welp, now that that's outta the way...

I'm going on a friend hiatus.

Me and W had a huge blow out where I felt lied to, cheated and pretty much stepped over. And she felt upset that by feeling lied to I was essentially calling her a liar. And yes, I did. And yep, it got ugly. And now I don't know where we are; we're sort of reconciling but it doesn't feel the same. I feel like I can't trust her as much as I used to, that I have to depend more on myself than I do her, which is great, but puts me in this weird, shifting place with her. From my end it feels like she's completely apathetic to my life and trials, which after a couple years I guess is natural, especially since she has her one life to live (no soap opera) and can't be forced to think about me and my little feelings all the time.

And so I dreamed up a friend hiatus; a time where I stop accepting, reciprocating or feeling any particular way about the people who aren't essential to me, which if I'm being honest, isn't that big a group anyway. Now it's going to be even more limited; a couple of the guys, my mom and dad, and possibly W - haven't really worked that one out yet.

You see the thing is, even though we're "reconciled" or made up, I still feel like I should hold back from her. I don't take too kindly to being hurt, as I'm sure I've told you, and so for her to hurt me, albeit unintentionally, with all she knows about me, just shakes up my little world. She's my person; if she could be so unsteady for me when all I really crave is stable relationships...what else is there to say or do? I love her, but every now and then folks need a break from each other, so I'm stepping back a few steps to access.

The friend hiatus is a mixed bag for me; I'm dealing with the inner pressure to be more, better, faster, so the relief of not having to carry these feelings for other people for awhile while I figure myself out is the blessing. The curse comes from realizing that it could do more harm than good as, as I've said earlier, I crave stable relationships because I feel so insecure on my own and get lonely very easily. Not to say I don't enjoy my own company, because Tes and Tes can come up with some awesome things for Tes to do on her own,'s hard to explain. Simply put, I crave what scares the sh*t out of me; I want to have these close relationships with people, but am terrified to put myself out there with many outside of my few close friends.

I have a lot on my mind; I'm considering driving clear across country until a voice (or Amber -my car) says "Drive no more!" and find a home. I'm not considering it actually, I'm going to do it, I just need to get a full savings account before I jump in and drive. I was thinking of moving in with W - still am - but with the shaky way I feel? I don't know. I'm considering diving head first, once I'm settled into my new home, back into school voraciously to pursue my teaching degree, realizing all too well that I'm needed in education field. I'm taking on more responsibility with bills, and life in general. So to not think of others for a change, to think of Tes first, relaxes my shoulders and fills my lungs with new air.

So, what do you think? Friend hiatus a good idea, or considering how I am, a bad one? What are you pursuing for the new year?

Love! <3

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