Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Letter to an Unknown Love

I've kind of been waiting on you my whole life, but I'm probably not going to tell you that. Instead I'm going to show you, in very minute, subtle but big ways. I'm going to hold your hand a lot, but not enough to crowd you, and I'm going to look at you sometimes with curious eyes, wondering what I did to deserve someone who fits me like you do.

I spent so much time wondering about where you are, and what I was doing wrong to make it so that you wouldn't see me, or notice me. I was always so down and hard on myself not realizing that if I didn't think I was important, nobody would think I was. I'd been treating potential dates up until you like I had to win them over, I had to make them like me, not realizing that it was me who was holding all the cards, that I was the prize.

I'm not sure how I'll meet you; maybe out at a bookstore or a video game expo. Maybe at a poetry meeting or simply by bumping into each other. I'm not sure if I'll impress you immediately, or if I'll be that slow burn that eases into your life and warms you from the inside out. I do know that if it's you that I've been waiting on, I'll definitely know it. And maybe deny it.

You see, I'm afraid of myself. Afraid of letting myself go and afraid of the power with which my heart and soul rule my life. I know if you somehow find a home in either of those places then I'll fear you too, or rather who I'll be because of you. I lost myself once in a guy and it took me so long to trust myself after him that I found myself chasing unattainable and ultimately uninterested (and uninteresting) men and I never want to go back. There's no GPS to the soul, and I'd hate to have to build myself all over from ashes into a woman.

I don't know you, but I know you'll be kind. I need kindness in my life because more often than not I'm unkind to myself and rarely believe in my own good. I know you'll be intelligent, cause Lord knows I don't find i'g'nant men attractive. I know you'll have depth to you, some of which you'll let me swim in, the rest which you'll hold for yourself and God.

I have to warn you, I'll be insecure. I'll be worried. I won't see me the way you do, and won't think I'm as ______ as you think I am. I'll worry about other girls and what they say to you and what you feel about what they say. It'll drive you, I know, but just find patience with me; I've never had someone like you before who wanted all of me, not just the fleshy, sensual parts, and my base mind will always take it there with you and other women. It's me, and before you get to me, I'm already working on it so try and just walk with me there.

I worry about finding you. I think about how my life would be different, but at the same time I know to find you, I've got to find me first. And as I'm slowly clearing away the trees that are keeping me from seeing the forest, I know somewhere along the path you'll be waiting. And this time, I think I'll be ready.


Moses Ponraj said...

really Beautiful... So did u find tat unknown love Girl... Advance wishes...

Tes said...

Moses :) thanks for stopping by...

Unfortunately or fortunately depending on your perception, I haven't found my unknown love. I'm learning to accept it and take more stock of myself. But thank you for well wishes <3