So I'm a Youtube junkie. When I'm tired of movies, tv, reality shows and the things people are supposed to do, written out and planned, I find Youtube. Literally, trillions of things you can find on there from ice melting, to conspiracy theories involving goats and our world leaders' fetishes for them.I wouldn't recommend the latter; sh*t's creepy.
In any case I happened upon this beautiful video while looking for some Alicia Keys tunes. And...I don't know if there are words for how it makes me feel. It's not going to stop me from trying though.
If I'd have watched that video a year ago, hell, even a week ago, I would've been just awash with envy and bitterness. I'd think 'What's she got that I don't got?' while silently picking apart all the things I feel are wrong with me in reference to her; my hair isn't curly like that, I'm not thin enough, my skin isn't clear enough, all the things that I feel are wrong with me, would've made me instantly dislike this person who I didn't even know. I'd roll my eyes and scoff while sinking deeper into this "woe is me" rut that would take a few days to get out of.
But now I just think that it's the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. It makes me feel light inside, hopeful. It's not just the story of these two people who, given all the odds in the world, probably shouldn't have found each other, but did. It's not just the way she hugs him as if he's the dream she's never trying to wake from, or the gentle and tender way he pets her hair and rocks her. It's their faces. The joy. The happiness. The disbelief that this feeling washing over them is actual real, actually happening. The tears of relief. That moment is everything and confirmed to me that something in me had changed.
Dreamers like me are the ones who try to deny that tender spot in their heart; it's hard because that tender spot makes up a majority of the whole muscle. We try to hide behind our cynicism, and in my case self-loathing, to put up the front that we don't get hurt by little slights and aren't taunted by little insecurities. We're the dreamers who deny their dreams when the realities of the world pound at our imagination's doors, letting us know that it's not real; that world of love and joy and infinite happiness isn't real.
And reality is right. Infinite happiness is a myth; nobody is happy all of the time. That couple there, Laith and Christina, can love each other entirely and still annoy the sh*t out of each other, and fight over petty things like an empty Lucky Charms box. I imagine they'd have to work at their relationship just like everyone else does. Everything you do that you find meaning in is worth working at, perfecting, even when other people say you've reached the mountaintop, it's you looking up and realizing there's further you can go; it's also realizing when to take a step back and admire how far you've come.
While watching this video, that's where I was - at that point looking at how far I've come. Bitterness to acceptance. Loathing to love. Look how far I've come from that girl so afraid to use her voice, so afraid to say the wrong thing, fearing being misunderstood. I've come to the point where I don't care about being understood necessarily, as I care more about being felt, heard, respected, and appreciated by others and by myself.
I'm feeling whimsical and disjointed so I'll try to wrap my mosaic thoughts into something intelligible. Once upon a time, I'd given up on dreams and faith and love. I thought that those things didn't exist in this hard, artificial world where everyone is made up and sucked in and cynical. And then I saw this video of these two people who fell in love and was struck with the feeling that I was wrong about it all. Because I disliked myself for so long I couldn't see the beauty and the love that was in me in order to see the beauty and the love that is pulsing from the world. Because I didn't truly love and accept myself I couldn't love and accept anything else. But now I do.
To Laith and Christina; whether you guys are still together or far apart, in the relationship sense not the distance sense, I want you to know that you've inspired me. Much love <3