As of late I've been considering my life in my own terms. What would success be to me? What would love be for me? What could I see myself doing for the rest of my life, and where would I be doing it?
My life, so far, has been a whole lot of ships in the night; I've missed a lot of opportunities because I was fearful of other people's perceptions, not realizing that they'd think of me whatever they wanted, whether I did what they wanted me to or not. I'm now in that phase of taking advice (sporadically) but still doing what it is I want and need to do.
What I need to do, is get the hello out of Texas. It's a lovely state, a great state, just not the one for me. Me being in Podunk, TX and having so much I want to do that I feel like I can't do here puts me in this odd spot; I want to go, but I'm afraid to start my life without a safety net i.e a fat savings account or my parents. I'm afraid that if I stay, I'll be stuck here forever wondering "What if?" for the rest of my life. So my decision is to go, once I get a comfortable amount in savings. I made a plan - it fell out of place, so now I'm on plan C; fix my new car, save as much as I can, and bounce once MaDukes and I are both stable and comfortable. I give it 8 months.
At first, I planned to move in with W, but I'm changing my mind about that. I think I want to live by myself as I've never lived completely by myself. I used to house-sit for my father and I stay alone sometimes here, but to have my own place, own furniture and own rent? Sounds awesome. I want to move somewhere where I'm free to just do me with no interruptions ... I want to move somewhere where I feel like I can find stuff I like to do like poetry meetings, painting classes, museums and hole-in-the-wall jazz clubs with a dash of city life. I was thinking maybe Raleigh...Richmond... Seattle...maybe even TDot.
As for my ever-long pursuit of love and happiness...I found happiness, I'm finding happiness, in myself. I'm finding love in myself. Other people can't validate how I feel about myself, and the more time I spend actually exploring my own mind and heart, the more open to other people I feel. I'm not ready yet, to go out and be this explosive person that I am with my words and thoughts, but I feel like the time is coming. A few months ago I had a feeling my life was changing, and I could either indulge in it, or deny it, but it was still changing. Same situation here; I know it's coming to the time where I'll be myself, unafraid and unabashed by criticism...just not yet though.
Success has changed to mimic what I think happiness is; success is loving more of your life...while accepting the parts that you don't love as much. I think I was born to be some sort of teacher, or to help people. Who needs more help than the nation's youth? No. Body.
So what does your New Year's check up look like? Do you even do New Year's check ups?
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