Sunday, September 25, 2011

We All Feel Ashamed

Awhile ago a friend on one of my social media taverns posed a question: What are five things that you think all the time that make you feel ashamed? Some of the answers were laughable; "I often wonder about my best friend's mom in her bathing suit...leaving it there." Some were serious; "I wonder whether I'm going to heaven or hell?" All of them though made me think "what are my five things?"

1) If I could do so without it being obvious, I would constantly dumb myself down. Being the one who knows anything about everything* gets weird; when a smart ass approaches my group of friends and they all look to me to bring down an intellectual b*tch slap on the person I often sigh and wish it could be someone else. If I could, I'd try being the dumb girl because no one expects greatness from her, nobody expects depth; they just expect blank stares and nervous laughter after a joke has gone over her head.

2) I'm afraid of never finding love and being alone. Yes, independent woman, woot woot, and all that jazz, but on the real, I'm scared it's never going to happen (excluding parents and W). I know I'm young and I have time but it always feels like I'm always slightly out of touch with what's real in the world or out of reach with the ones I'm interested in. "Marvin's Room" conversations happen to me all the time and they always leave me feeling the same way: lacking and confused. They all say the same things "I thought you were too good for me," "I wasn't the one for you," or my favorite "I'm not ready for someone like you yet." So it's not my fault, but it is my fault? Which leads me to...

3) I do think I'm pretty and smart and fun, but I still have low self-esteem. Can't even explain that one. It's just one of those things. Which also leads into...

4) My boyfriend record or lack thereof makes me feel insecure and embarrassed. Logically I know, you know, that it's fine I haven't dated many people exclusively, but when faced with societal norms my track record is laughable. I know that sometimes things just don't work out, people aren't meant to be together, yadayada, but for me? It always seems like there's something I could've done, or said to keep that person, whether they were worth it in the end or not if just for the sake of not being alone. It's not my fault, but it still feels like it is...

5) I'm unintentionally whiny**. In the world of Grey's Anatomy, I'm a Meredith. Meredith seems to have her sh*t together; she's a doctor, she's got a McDreamy doctor boyfriend/husband/person, and she's got awesome friends. But Meredith is almost never satisfied and constantly talks about the wrong things in her life. And in that way, I'm a Meredith. Or, philosophically speaking, a Socrates; it's better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied...right (I did a whole six-page paper on this for class awhile ago and I'm still unsure if it's true)?

So...what are your five things?

*No, I do not know everything about anything; I'm a useless trivia person with really good music memory and grammar, which apparently comes in handy to a lot of people.
**The only person who hears me whine consistently is W, and she for the most part understands it's for reasons out of my control (which is why I whine about it) and listens like it's the first time she's ever heard me say anything about it.

No comments: