Saturday, August 13, 2011

The "Once a Month" Conversation Irks Me

W and I have had the same talk every month since we've met each other. Truth be told, it's tiring on both sides as we're two sides of the same coin and thus see the world different. I'm usually the side of the coin with my face on the ground.

It's usually prefaced with a small dig at my perpetual state of being single that turns into an hours long debate about what my "problem" is. Why is it whenever I'm talking to somebody and voicing an opposing opinion I am the one with the "problem?" In any case, the conversation is always about why I'm still single.

As a matter of fact, I'd say that was a common conversation with all my close friends. George doesn't understand why it is, unless he's arguing with me, that no man has laced me up. Soul Brotha believes in timing and openness and a willingness to be loved, and that none of that is in line yet. W says the same thing, but for the most part she's got no real reason why either. None of them do and for most recent memory, I haven't brought it up anymore.

Honestly, I've stopped thinking so hard on it. It's not my time, sure. I've not met the right guys, whatever. But when W said earlier that she wasn't a lucky SOB when it came to relationships and that I was supposed to be the "It" dating girl and it just "wasn't time yet" I kind of lost my sh*t.

I like everything to be explained as logically as possible or it eats at me. Me not finding love is one of those things that just doesn't seem logical to me. By anyone's definition I would guess I'd be the "just right" girlfriend (as I think nobody's girlfriend is "perfect"); I like to cook just as much as I like to go out, I'm creative, and damned funny. I understand sports and that sports time is a man's time away from his woman. I understand a need to be an individual in a relationship and not a relationship oriented individual. Logic, see?

W keeps saying that love has no logic and timing is it's own thing all together that I can't ever hope to understand. I keep telling her that that has no bearing on what I may or may not be doing wrong here to not have ever been snatched up. Today it finally hit me to sum it up for her in a short, five word sentance: I am tired of waiting.

It seems like my life has been spent waiting on things. Waiting to be older. Waiting to get a job. Waiting to go to school. Waiting to live. And I am tired of waiting. I have a job, I'm getting friends and broadening my interests; I am finally living. Why, given all these other things I've attained, would I focus on the one thing that I feel keeps alluding me? Why would I still wait on some dude to see in me what's always been there?

1 comment:

Sunshine said...

this is really deep...and kudos to you for not sacrificing your identity...honestly, you sound awesome...and one day a guy will come along who appreciates black :)