Saturday, August 13, 2011

I Hate Taking Pictures

I've never been one for pictures. I don't particularly enjoy posing or being caught in the moment; I don't feel like those are genuine representations of who I am. You can only get so much from a picture- I like to believe I'm better in real life.

On my mirror I have two pictures, one of me as a toddler in an over sized hat with a Maggie Simpson binkie in my mouth, and the other a portrait from my senior year of high school. They're on either side of the mirror and I always find myself standing in the middle when one day it hit me; I don't like taking pictures because those girls in the pictures are never me.

The baby girl is flawless and full of this innocent explosion of life. She's new to everything and earnest. The teenager's smile doesn't reach her eyes. She's self-conscious and shy. She takes everything to heart. Then there's the me in the middle. Me in the middle with the slightly jaded eyes. Me in the middle with my big transitioning hair not hiding my insecurities behind buckets of concealer and powder. Me in the middle not giving much a damn of what people say behind my back, or to my face, as I don't think too many people know me well enough to "real talk" me anyway. That is me and has been me for a very long time.

Those girls in the pictures were never who I was meant to be; maybe that's why I don't enjoy pictures. The girl in those pictures aren't who I was, but rather who I was posed to be, or portrayed to be. Why does it take us so long to get to that point where we know that who we are in that moment is who we were always destined to be?

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