I was perusing Youtube last night and came across this sensual, smooth and sexy video from Marlon Palmer and a very gorgeous Amber Rose looking woman. It got me to wondering, what it was I am really waiting on with this whole sex thing?
I'm a virgin. I'm not sure if you've picked up on that or not, but yep. I think the misconception about me is that I either represent all virgins (not the case) or I fall into the stereotype of the "virgin friend" (certainly not the case). I find myself the recipient of a lot of late night calls from friends asking for advice on love, life, and yep, sex. I know a lot. I haven't done anything, but I tend to know little things that make the big moment a great experience for others. Small things like candle light (some girls are too self-conscious for full light but love the thrill of being seen), a playlist of long jazz tracks (so not only are there no lyrics to get tangled up in, the risk of "Can't Nobody Love You Like Jesus" popping up is very slim), or even simple things like massages with warm oil (Sweet almond <3) are suggestions I've made to my girls (and yes, even my boys).
One of the boys broached the subject of the type of lover I go for as he's never heard me make mention of my own sex life. I had to break it to him gently that A) I don't have a sex life and B) I hadn't really given much thought to it as I'm waiting on a certain someone or something.
But that video up there? It sums up everything I'm waiting on. There's a slow sensuality to it. A playful seriousness. A little spice/excitement/voyeurism with the camera. There's respect (he's not rushing it), and there's equal admiration as both of them just take their time to enjoy each other. Not to say it doesn't get hot, but whereas I feel most people think a bomb is what needs to go down, I think a smoldering fire is the way to get things done. Plus that song? Geez... it's perfect. It has a classic R&B/Soul feel, it's not overly sexual a la "You Remind Me Of My Jeep" (nor as crass and unintentionally hilarious). It kind of promotes the same smoldering sexy that I go for.
So to answer the question, what I'm waiting on is someone who understands the nuances of my sensuality. Someone who'll appreciate my slowness and not mistake it for stalling but understand it as a fascination or admiration of their form. Someone patient and knowledgeable, one who doesn't mind teaching and being taught. I'm waiting on a kind heart, someone who doesn't rush and wants to get to know me as a person first. Someone smart enough to know the traditional game of seduction, but still throw in new age game in there. I'm waiting for a counterpart, someone worth my effort who'll put in equal work. Someone serious, but not enough to not have some fun with.
I'm waiting on me, too. Waiting to become comfortable enough with my scars, physical and otherwise, to truly let someone in enough to trust them with my body. I have kind of a teenage boy's fear of getting naked and someone either pointing and laughing or becoming completely disgusted. I know the likelihood of that happening is slim, but because I'm not yet fully comfortable I can't really rule that out. I'm waiting on a relationship with someone, not just a casual "nice shoes...wanna have sex?" sort of fling; I'm waiting on hand holding, cuddling, and talking about everything and nothing at the same time. I'm waiting on a person willing to know me, not just know my body.
In short, I'm waiting on the right person and the right time. At 21 apparently that's refreshing. Not sure if it'll be the same if I reach 45 this way, but... Whereas before I didn't think there was hope for me, in that way, I'm not convinced that I'm up to the challenge. It's just about finding that guy who's right up to it with me and willing to put in the work.
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The "Once a Month" Conversation Irks Me
W and I have had the same talk every month since we've met each other. Truth be told, it's tiring on both sides as we're two sides of the same coin and thus see the world different. I'm usually the side of the coin with my face on the ground.
It's usually prefaced with a small dig at my perpetual state of being single that turns into an hours long debate about what my "problem" is. Why is it whenever I'm talking to somebody and voicing an opposing opinion I am the one with the "problem?" In any case, the conversation is always about why I'm still single.
As a matter of fact, I'd say that was a common conversation with all my close friends. George doesn't understand why it is, unless he's arguing with me, that no man has laced me up. Soul Brotha believes in timing and openness and a willingness to be loved, and that none of that is in line yet. W says the same thing, but for the most part she's got no real reason why either. None of them do and for most recent memory, I haven't brought it up anymore.
Honestly, I've stopped thinking so hard on it. It's not my time, sure. I've not met the right guys, whatever. But when W said earlier that she wasn't a lucky SOB when it came to relationships and that I was supposed to be the "It" dating girl and it just "wasn't time yet" I kind of lost my sh*t.
I like everything to be explained as logically as possible or it eats at me. Me not finding love is one of those things that just doesn't seem logical to me. By anyone's definition I would guess I'd be the "just right" girlfriend (as I think nobody's girlfriend is "perfect"); I like to cook just as much as I like to go out, I'm creative, and damned funny. I understand sports and that sports time is a man's time away from his woman. I understand a need to be an individual in a relationship and not a relationship oriented individual. Logic, see?
W keeps saying that love has no logic and timing is it's own thing all together that I can't ever hope to understand. I keep telling her that that has no bearing on what I may or may not be doing wrong here to not have ever been snatched up. Today it finally hit me to sum it up for her in a short, five word sentance: I am tired of waiting.
It seems like my life has been spent waiting on things. Waiting to be older. Waiting to get a job. Waiting to go to school. Waiting to live. And I am tired of waiting. I have a job, I'm getting friends and broadening my interests; I am finally living. Why, given all these other things I've attained, would I focus on the one thing that I feel keeps alluding me? Why would I still wait on some dude to see in me what's always been there?
It's usually prefaced with a small dig at my perpetual state of being single that turns into an hours long debate about what my "problem" is. Why is it whenever I'm talking to somebody and voicing an opposing opinion I am the one with the "problem?" In any case, the conversation is always about why I'm still single.
As a matter of fact, I'd say that was a common conversation with all my close friends. George doesn't understand why it is, unless he's arguing with me, that no man has laced me up. Soul Brotha believes in timing and openness and a willingness to be loved, and that none of that is in line yet. W says the same thing, but for the most part she's got no real reason why either. None of them do and for most recent memory, I haven't brought it up anymore.
Honestly, I've stopped thinking so hard on it. It's not my time, sure. I've not met the right guys, whatever. But when W said earlier that she wasn't a lucky SOB when it came to relationships and that I was supposed to be the "It" dating girl and it just "wasn't time yet" I kind of lost my sh*t.
I like everything to be explained as logically as possible or it eats at me. Me not finding love is one of those things that just doesn't seem logical to me. By anyone's definition I would guess I'd be the "just right" girlfriend (as I think nobody's girlfriend is "perfect"); I like to cook just as much as I like to go out, I'm creative, and damned funny. I understand sports and that sports time is a man's time away from his woman. I understand a need to be an individual in a relationship and not a relationship oriented individual. Logic, see?
W keeps saying that love has no logic and timing is it's own thing all together that I can't ever hope to understand. I keep telling her that that has no bearing on what I may or may not be doing wrong here to not have ever been snatched up. Today it finally hit me to sum it up for her in a short, five word sentance: I am tired of waiting.
It seems like my life has been spent waiting on things. Waiting to be older. Waiting to get a job. Waiting to go to school. Waiting to live. And I am tired of waiting. I have a job, I'm getting friends and broadening my interests; I am finally living. Why, given all these other things I've attained, would I focus on the one thing that I feel keeps alluding me? Why would I still wait on some dude to see in me what's always been there?
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