Monday, July 18, 2011

(15) Who Am I...

When I was a young thing in Pampers sitting in front of subwoofers and playing with old CDs, I remember hearing this bossa nova type song. I'd spend years and years hearing it in my thoughts but not knowing who it was or where it came from until I heard it again, fifteen or so years later being sampled by Mya. It sounded like this and it's remix that sounded like this.

After that I got a little obsessed. I found the producer (the often imitated but never duplicated Jay Dee), and the band (the Pharcyde). The song was called Runnin'. Later on once the dopeness of the song rendered me able to search more, I found that the snippets Jay Dee used were from a Stan Getz song Saudade Vem Correndo and fell in love with that too. So now I have five versions of essentially the same song on my iPod.

In any case, what does this say about me besides my addiction to music knowledge? Why is this song the one that defines who I am?

I'm always, always running. Not in the literal sense, because heaven knows I hate to sweat but in the way that I always seem to find something to hold me back or scare me away from the things that I desire. The chorus just repeats the same phrase, which is convientently the same phrase I always repeat to myself: Can't keep runnin' away.

I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid to go out in the world and fail. So I'm always running to my parents, my friends, even sometimes deeper within myself to shield myself from what I see as a big bad world out there just waiting to tear me to pieces. Over time though I have realized that I can't keep running opposite of what I want, or else, how am I ever supposed to get there?  I take smaller steps back in the direction of "right" instead of running paces back in the direction of "safe," but sometimes I worry that those small steps don't matter to those around me, or even in the scheme of things with the way people treat them like a "It's about damn time" type thing instead of a "Congratulations, keep going," type thing. Should it matter what they think anyway?

The music is pensive and thoughtful but complexly layered, things I've been called on more than one occassion. The lyrics are meaningful and relate to everybody, again, a lot like me. It has roots deep in different cultures and an infectious loop that makes you want to delve deeper into why you are who you are, why you think what you think, and why you keep running which is exactly why this song defines a big portion of who I am.

1 comment:

Squeak Williams said...

I know I been gone a minute but blog reading ain't the most productive during the workday. anyway, I can relate to this. I remember about two years ago I heard Tanya Morgans- No Plan B and I shed a tear. thing is it takes more courage than we realize to follow our dreams. even if we're sure of them.