Saturday, November 24, 2012

How To...

I am a fortress to those who don't know me well. A level-headed, super-cool, funny, dope and cute girl with aspirations and an outgoing personality in public, but the truth is, I don't have too many friends.

Three, I think.

W, SoulBrotha, and Tarzan are pretty much it for my friends, which is awesome and perturbing at the same time. You see, if one or two of them fall out of commission  fall off the face of the earth, gets mad at me, or is otherwise too preoccupied to be a friend, instead of a fortress I'm a picket fence. I lose a little of me, because I lose them temporarily; some of my personality's most beautiful and explosive components come from the energy I sometimes get from my friendships, and seeing as I don't have too many deep friendships, it stands to reason I lose a little footing.

Perturbing, as I want to stand on my own and be this level-headed, super-cool, funny, dope and cute girl with aspirations and an outgoing personality in and of myself without the extra "Umph" I seem to get from others. The truth is, I'm always that girl, always always, but she's cloaked by shyness and reservation; I don't trust too many people with my whole self, and I'm not really sure why. It would alleviate some of the intense loneliness I sometimes feel but the fortress I spent so much of my teen years building up has inevitably blocked me in.

For instance, with my boyfriend. I care about him a lot and this fortress I've built lets me out just enough to tell him and show him so, but not enough to always be honest with him when I need more. I'm afraid that if I ask for too much, he won't stick around. I'm afraid that if I put too much pressure on him, instead of getting a diamond of a relationship I'll end up with ashes. And the same goes with W (sort of. The "but" here being that I can say literally anything to W and she knows exactly where I'm coming from and, though she gets mad sometimes, she always is a sister of my soul and sh*t, so she comes back.); the people I care the most about , the ones I feel I can be most myself with, oddly don't get all of me.

The only person who does is me and God I suppose, and if I'm being honest a lot of the times I don't even know why I feel the things I feel or think the way I think so I'm thinking God is on His own getting all of me (hopefully). Wise as some may call me, I'm still young and figuring all this out, and by "all this" I mean human interactions and relationships. How to be honest without hurting any feelings? How to express my needs without feeling needy? How to be more of myself without feeling so reserved about it?

Is a puzzlement.*


*A line from one of my favorite movies, "The King And I."

No comments: