Thursday, August 9, 2012

A Letter to a Heartbreak Revisited

I thought about you yesterday. Not for too long, and not too deep; in all honesty, it's the first time you, the actual person, not the act you did, crossed my mind since I left home. I guess I found something better to occupy my time. No guessing about it; my life isn't ideal but damn it's beautiful.

W often told me after everything happened that you told her you released me, that you felt bad about it all,  that you saw where I was heading and weren't ready to be there for me in that capacity. And that's bullshit. You said that all the time to me too, with your hand on my knee, with a smile and a wink; mixed signals don't mean you let me go - it means you were keeping your options open and for awhile I was content being an option, even after you hurt me.

The last time I wrote you I said I forgive you, but couldn't forget what you did or forgive the way you did it and so far that's been true. The insecurities I earned, like battle scars through loving you when you didn't deserve my love, have crippled me a bit. Don't misunderstand and think that I'm ashamed of the scars, because I'm not; they're a reminder to me, to any guy thinking he's got a flawless girl, that I'm not flawless. They're also a reminder that I can still grow and be better than what I allowed you to treat me.

The guy I'm with now, the man I love, is having to deal with the baggage you dropped on my shoulders. He wants to help me relieve the pressure, pick up a few of my bags but I won't let him; it's not his burden to carry, and palming it off to him is unfair. I've been working through my fears of being abandoned, my fear of unfaithfulness, my fear of not knowing the future, I've traded all those for happiness with him which is so hard when I remember, like a ghost limb, what happened last time I thought I was in love.

This time though, I know I am. I worry a lot, but that worry doesn't stop me from opening my whole heart to him. So I guess I didn't learn as much as I thought I did from you; I still love with a full heart, with abandon and fearlessness hoping that, with taking this leap, he's there to catch me. I'm glad of that, that your presence didn't change who I am deep down, just made me reassess who deserves those parts of me.

I wondered how you were doing, if anything had changed with you. Did I want to know enough to ask W about you? Not even, but that childish part in me wants to rub my wellness in your face. Guess I'll never really forgive all the way, and that's okay. You don't need my forgiveness to live your life, just like I don't need your ghost to live mine.

I guess I'm writing this letter to finally let you off the hook, to finally let myself off the hook for a mistake I made almost three years ago. We're all just in this thing trying to find people to make bonds with, build bridges and castles and dreams with. You weren't the one to build anything with, you had a hard time building for yourself let alone wanting to build, or being ready to build with someone else. I hope you live well, I hope you find love, and I hope you treat her better than you treated me. And I hope I never have to run into you ever again.

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