Friday, April 6, 2012

Musing: Breaks

There have been few times in my life where I have taken a break; most of those "breaks" were mental as I would function just enough to live and get by before coming back into the tangled labyrinth that had become my thoughts and emotions. I remember it happening two or three times, and the breaks were never pleasant. They always hurt in the way that a healing burn hurts. The sting of past inadequacies and tribulations, short-comings and hang-ups keeping me locked in this glass jail cell, letting me see the life I wanted to live, but keeping me from doing it. I always found my way back, and always went through it and found my way out of it alone.

I've taken breaks from work and felt rejuvenated by just three days away, three days to color, draw, write and read, three days to be myself, with and by myself. I've never really let people into the part of me that goes on these breaks, the tough and the easy ones. No one has seen me that sad, and no one has seen me that happy. I'm always in the middle once I return back from "vacation," always leveled out and mellow.

But this isn't about me...Not really. Tarzan (you guys, if you follow me on Twitter know all about him) has booked his tickets for June . And I'm stoked, nervous but above all, I'm curious. You see, I'm very open about the fact I don't believe my own hype; I don't know what makes me special, I just know somewhere deep and true that I am. And so I asked him, why now, why with me, does he chose to do this seemingly out of character, impetuous thing?

I think I annoy him; my constant need to understand why and why me can get a little tiresome. I knew it was a matter of time before he'd develop a pet peeve (and it kind of makes me laugh a bit)...Digress; his answer was that he needed a break. And given my above mentioned history with breaks, I can kind of understand, but it doesn't answer the question below the question, why with me?

Is it a need to see me, live and in color to be sure I am who I say I am? Is it a feeling of trust or understanding that goes so deep without saying? Is it the need for some exotic, Southern "strange?" In my analytic mind it all seems possible, while my caught up heart is just nervous and excited, finally allowing itself to believe that this, he and I, is a real thing.

Do I understand a break? Definitely. Do I understand the need for a break now, with me? No. Maybe I'm an excuse, a diversion from the real need to get away. Maybe I'm just some girl who's in love with some guy and willing to meet half-way (kinda...). Maybe all of these things and none of them are true at the same time.

All I know is that he's coming. And I'm excited, and can't wait to take a break with him, let him see that free, wild and silly thing that I hide from most other people. I can't wait to test our dynamic of yin and yang, see how far that goes, if it cycles and morphs as we do. I can't wait to play chess with him, hold his hand while we roller skate. I can't wait to learn him. The motive may be cloudy, but the main thing, the great thing, is that even in an interlude, even in a break, we learn who we are. We grow, we find new things out, we work through the things that need our undivided attention. And the fact he's willing to share that with me? That's enough...for now.

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