I've had a few crushes in my lifetime enough to know myself when I get one. It starts off with denial; no, of course I don't like them, they're just funny and smart, and cute and witty and whatever else. Soon enough though I ease into full on teenage girl mode and just start picturing us together running through meadows of knee-high grass and kissing...okay, no, not really, but you get the point. After the romantical mind space I start freaking out; "do they like me back? Do they know I like them? Can they tell? Should I dress up more often? Flirt more? I have no idea what I'm doing and he totally knows..."
I haven't had a crush in awhile. Admittedly, awhile back I tried to make myself like these guys I worked with because I was thoroughly convinced if I didn't have a boyfriend by February that I would die of embarrassment. Truthfully? I liked them, but I didn't have any particular feeling towards them. I felt like I needed to be with one of them to validate myself. As you can see, I've grown a lot in a really short amount of time since then. Can't explain why, but now I know better; liking someone can't be coerced, forced or pushed - you either do or you don't. Funny how now that I do seem to have a crush on someone new, one of them seems to be sweating me more.
I digress. Did you read that? I've got a crush on someone. And I'm feeling either really ambivalent about it or really geeked, depending on when you ask me.
The conundrum is that he is literally states away. I can't win for losing, swear to God...
Now, relationships for me are deep things. I never enter into one without considering where they could head and if that person is someone who would bring just as much joy to me as I feel I would bring to them. And the man would bring joy alright - buckets of it. I'm just not sure if I'm cut out for a relationship, as I've never had much practice, and admittedly the first go 'round should be something a little less tricky/sticky than a long distance one, but you want what you want right?
You see, once upon a time, I lived my whole life virtually. Literally woke up, went to school, went to my after school job, and then came home and went chat room surfing. In the three or four years (yes you read that right, and yes, looking back I'm entirely ashamed) that I lived that way I had a few relationships with the guys who found their way into the mix. Truthfully, I just was lonely and too scared to venture out in the real world to face true, biting rejection. As a cartoon, any rejection you get doesn't sting as you're not real there, and neither are they. And one day, I just stopped.
I know now the reason why, but back then it was inexplicable why all of a sudden I had no desire for these guys who desired after me. It was lust on their part, pure and simple, and me being lost and muddled in the brain I wanted to be loved in any way I could find and found myself mixing the two in a world in which the rules of attraction didn't matter. I didn't like those guys, but they liked me and that was all I needed. But they didn't like me, rather the things I did, pieces that I'd created to mimic what I thought their desires were. And they were shallow, so it wasn't that hard. I got bored with being lusted after and not loved, read but not understood. And so I quit.
Now this guy comes along, years and years (okay, four years or so) after these things ceased and...he's different. I'm different. The world is different. I don't remember where we met on these mean Internet streets but since then we're kind of in a constant state of awareness of the other. I enjoy his company; he makes me laugh and puts me up on music I'd have never found without him. We're odd, I suppose, but we're odd in a way that's so similar to the two of us it's normal. We're both Virgos, early twenties, living and working near home and smarter than smart. We love music and speak the same musical language which, I'll admit, is tough with me. A guy has to have music knowledge like my father to even put a dent in impressing me with what he knows, and my father's taste is as vast as America and The Carpenters to DMX and Mystikal. Snobby? Yes, but we've all got things we grade people on (which is another blog for another time).
I dig him. Seriously. At first it was like this little tickle in my tummy when he said something nice or posted a new link to some music I'd never heard. And then we had a really long talk about nothing in particular using song and song titles - that's when I acknowledged it all as more than I was willing to admit.
Because of my shady past with innerweb guys I tend to shy away from those kinds of relationships now, even though logically I know I'm different and those guys are long gone. This guy sees me, I think. Sure, there's the flirty, sensual me that plays 'Say Yes' and 'Lay Down' by Floetry, but there's the sensitive and inquisitive me, the angry me, the me that curses like a sailor, and so far, he's seen a lot of those sides of me in minor doses. And he hasn't run yet. I don't know really how to feel about that.
I would like to explore it more, but I'm afraid of broaching the subject and being too forward. I'm a traditional girl with a liberal mouth; I talk all progressive, yes, but I still feel like a lady doesn't approach a man unless she's sure he's into her like she's into him. And I am never sure. There are times when my friends tell me that a guy liked me and I have the most confused look on my face; I guess I have a hard time with 'why' instead of just accepting it and moving on.
I digress. Again. Sorry. What I'm saying is, I wouldn't mind giving it a try. But I have a strong fear reaction, a feeling like I'll fumble the ball and no amount of Tebowing will bring back the glory. My mother, if she's reading this (and she probably is...hi Maaa!) is rolling her eyes, and saying "again, Tes?" She knows I have a tendency to get enamored with the idea of these guys and then end up forgetting them months, hell, sometimes days later. But I think Mommy knows that I've changed. I think she feels it too. If I were to go all "Laith and Christina" for this guy, I think she'd just shrug and throw up her hands and let me learn. I can't tell you how much I appreciate her for that.
In any case, I'm in between decisions. The dreaming romantic in me is a-flutter as she's had nothing to do for ages while my cynic is somewhere writing a list of why nots. But me in the middle, the me that's inert in thought? I'm enjoying what's going on. Maybe that's all I need to do; not worry about tomorrow or next week, and just be cool with a cool guy vibing with me in a way that's new and seemingly synchronized with how I've always thought it would be.
But yes. I've got a crush. Lord help me, it's the first one I've had since...awhile. I don't know what this me does when enamored with a person. But I'll sure as hell have fun finding out.