Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Some Things Never Change

So it's here. The day that all families either dread or look forward to all year for one reason or another: Thanksgiving. On this Thanksgiving though, like most forcibly dragged people, I'd rather be anywhere but where I am. On a technicality, it's not even my biological family I'm with anyway and that got me thinking of places I'd rather be.
I recently moved back in with my mother, but before I got here I was staying in Fayetteville with my dad (on and off as he's in the military). I'd rather be there. Most likely I'd be alone as he's saving the world, with a store bought mini-turkey and side dishes from any restaurant opened the day before turkey day. I'd be watching t.v. under a fluffy blanket, candles lit, and content. I'd be alone, and perfectly at peace. Instead, I'm surrounded. Completely. Children are climbing over my legs, tweens are looking over my shoulder, and adults are asking me how to download movies and music. They love me here, but suffice it to say, I don't love it here.
I've always been a loner; in kindergarten I'd play with the other children for awhile before going off on my own under the jungle gym or by a tree to draw or read or just watch clouds go by. Sooner or later though, the other children and the teacher would eventually find me and drag me back into their world of "now now now." Nothing has changed with age; no matter where I go, someone always finds me and in my opinion it's a curse disguised as a blessing.
When I'm alone, I get to be who I always am. I get to think and to be mellow. I get to dream and to plan. I get to focus and most of all I get to de-stress. But people always find me, and when they do, it's immediately my job to listen to them, fix them, or entertain them. And I always turn it on. I make 'em laugh. I make 'em cry. I kill it, no matter the mission at hand. Once it's done and they're gone, more show up and I don't get to turn it off again until I'm home and even then some of them find me there. That's not to say I find people a burden (though I do. Most of them anyway.) My few friends are the only exception because with them, I still maintain that sense of self and am who I am instead of who they want me to be.
And there's the key. I'm always who everyone expects me, needs me, or wants me to be. Rarely am I completely myself, because few of them need that. They need a big sister, a mother figure, a counselor, a lap-dancer. They need pieces of me.
So this holiday season, it's my resolution to be me. A loner. Take me where you want to, lead me to where you want to, but don't expect much more from me than this: to be there and not there at the same time.
How do holidays effect your mood or thought processes? Do you consider yourself a loner or a social person?
Let it marinate, and get back to me

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