(21) The Song I'll Hear in Heaven

30 Day Song Challenge! Remember...I was doing that? No... *ahem* moving ahead then...

There's a song in my playlist there (----->) that makes me happy, complexly happy, but happy nonetheless. Wanna guess?

So Far To Go.

Dilla's production was sweet and warm. If when I enter heaven it doesn't sound better than or equal to that? Does heaven's DJ take requests? Better yet, can I meet up with Dilla, Common and D'angelo and have them do it acoustic? Yeah, that's how much I love that song.

It's layers that I find so beautiful and appealing with the song. On one level you've got Common, commending his woman for being open, not just sexually but emotionally, to his love and appreciation of her body, mind and spirit. His word play is witty, playful but still delves deep (pause?) into that part of me that questions; do men notice those small things? Do they know as much as I like to think they do? Also as a woman who has trouble with trust, not only in others but in herself, the idea that a man could tap into that feeling and write a response directly to it? Perfect.

D'Angelo's piece is more of personal reminder; no matter how far I've come, there's always so much further to go. On one hand that idea terrifies me: is life just a never-ending game of leap-frog where we just leap forward off the backs of our previous accomplishments, never content with where we are? Is there ever happiness in stillness? Then on the other hand, how hopeful that thought; no matter where you are, you can still move forward, you can still go. You may be great now, but if you believe it, you can be so much greater. Wow.

Dilla's production is beautiful. Originally it's a song called "Bye" from his Donuts album. The legend around it is, knowing the end was near "Bye" was the last thing he composed. In context, hearing it by itself always makes me tear up. It interlopes Ron Isley singing a few phrases ("Don't ever say," "Goodbye," and a splicing of "I Believe"), which just touches your heart. It takes a sample of The Isley Brothers "Don't Say Goodnight" and loops it, adding heavy, heavenly bass to it. Literally, it makes me cry on it's own. But coupled with Common and D'Angelo, it makes me feel listless and hopeful, jaded but still beautiful.

I have a feeling, when I'm nearing seventy and have to wear a hearing aid, I'll still be listening to this song. I'll still be feeling complexly happy, albeit because I'm nearer to the time where it'll be time for someone else, bigger than myself to assess how far I've come. And please believe, when that beat drops in heaven, I'll know I've made it.

Musing 3...4? Probably 3...Right?

You feel how you allow yourself to feel...

It's a concept I hadn't really got a grasp on until recently, but now that I have, all the extra just doesn't matter as much. Come, walk with me for a second...

I'd been so messed up over this guy from a long time ago that it was keeping me from seeing the ones right in front of me. Why? Because I felt slighted. Because I felt cheated. Because I felt like that dude took most of what I loved about myself and used it to his advantage to make me feel stupid. That whole situation was almost a year ago, and it was still haunting every move I made.

Until one day I woke up and asked myself why did I feel that way now though? Why, if that one guy made a mistake, would I punish others who come after him, but moreover why punish myself anymore by buying into the notion that I was stupid, that I got cheated, or I got taken advantage of? If it were true (which, for clarity's sake, it isn't), it was true awhile ago and had no bearing on what I did now, not unless I let it.

I've learned to let go of a lot of things. Some people are just stuck in their ways, not knowing or caring how they treat you. Some people are just mean, others are just stupid, but their surliness and stupidity can't make you think less of yourself, or think that you aren't worth what you and God know you are.

Let them call you what they want to. Let them think of you what they will. But know this: it only matters if you make it matter. That's not to say you can't get up in your feelings about things but recognize how much about you it is, and how much about that other person's perception of you it is. If it's all you, then by all means, get emo. But if it's about them...let it be about them. Apologize for how they feel if you want to, but don't let them be a hindrance to you.

I used to think because of this one guy, I wasn't pretty. I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. Nobody wants a stupid, ugly chick right? I used to think, as a child, that I was bad for asking questions that nobody could answer. As a teen, I used to think it was wrong to have emotions. And now...I question everything, I feel everything, and I flaunt my curves. And I don't apologize for any of it. And what, son?

Let it go! Be happy! Be triumphant! Be loose? adventurous? you :)

Sincerity

I'm a reflective girl. A girl who's gaze kind of glazes near the  end of conversations. A girl who's always thinking of ways to make herself better, to quell the sadness that finds it's way around her heart. A girl who still manages to smile with her eyes. I'm a girl who thinks so much that I forget what it is I need to do, things I need to find to make me feel like me.

I used to think the thing I needed was love. Attention from someone who I could share my whole self with, not just the bright, shiny pieces. Someone who would treat me as I know I am, like a Russian doll, with smaller and smaller parts until you get down to the smallest, but most beautiful piece. A person to treasure me as I've always wanted, dreamed and hoped to treasure another. But I've been thinking for awhile now that love isn't the thing I lack; Mom, Dad, W, SoulBrotha...I don't lack for love. What I'm missing in life, after years of teenage pining and wishing and praying, isn't love, it's sincerity.

There are rare times when my far off gaze focuses, and I'm able to open my heart and let everything I know of myself out into the world. I say that I'm lonely. I say that I'm sad. I say that I wish I were in a better place to help those who are often helpful to me. The one thing I don't recall saying is that I just want something real. I want an authentic life, something that brings genuine joy to me. Mom always says to speak it into existence...why haven't I said it before?

I started thinking that it wasn't attention necessarily that I needed (let's be honest, if you're not specific enough, next thing you know you're getting all kinds of awkward, dirty and just plain wrong solicitations) but a sincere interest. Someone interested in more than my rack and hips. More than what I could offer to them. A person interested in me, interested in what makes me.

W hurt my feelings awhile ago; a guy I'm thinking of being more into wanted to hang out after he got off work. Though it was nine, I didn't see much wrong with it, but W says it was obvious what dude was up to. Cue my doe eyes; why would I think that he was trying something off-hand when all he said is let's hang out? Where does that mean "say let's get naked?" It was her tone, the condescending way she rattled off what he was really up to that made me just sigh and want to cry.

It felt like she was saying nothing is real, nothing any guy will ever say to me will ever be what he truly means. For a girl like me who craves the closeness, a girl with obvious trust issues no Drake and self-esteem issues that's like a shot to the chest; why? Why can't a person say what they mean? I do. Why can't I accept a person at face value? Why is it naive of me to hope that a person is interested in more than what's between my legs?

At that point, before I started sinking in to feeling sorry for myself I just shook it off and said with squared shoulders "F*ck them, all of them." I refuse to believe that nobody is genuine. I refuse to believe that every word has to be analyzed, every action scrutinized. Does it happen that people are disingenuous? Yes. Every time? No, and to believe so would put my soul in a terrible place of disbelief in what's true; good things happen all the time as long as your heart is open to them and your back isn't to them.

 If I am what's real, any of the extra fakeness will fade and phase into the background. If I am sincere, I will attract it. If I know I'm beautiful, I'll attract people who see that beauty. If I am what it is I want I can stop looking for it in the faces of strangers and be happy looking into my own reflection with a wide, honest smile.

Stop Thinking; Just Go

I'm a sensual girl. I love to eat and feel the textures and different tastes. I love to hear great music and smile and sway to new beats. I find my joy on warm Autumn days with soft breezes and low humming lawn mowers, but it never dawned on me to maybe find that joy in the arms of a person until recently.

You remember the guy? That young one who had to learn a lesson? I love a man who learns, let me tell you. A few days after that incident he apologized profusely with puppy-dog eyes and repentant demeanor and I just smiled and said okay. In truth I should've apologized too; I was a little drunker, meaner, and harder on him than I really should've been, and it had everything to do with me and nothing to do with him. My perception of him, this "I think I'm somebody because I'm pretty" perception, made me lash out at every guy I'd ever met who happened to be like that through him. Unfair, I know. So I accepted his apology, and said that if he wanted we could learn to be friends.

And now we're learning and I'm learning not to be such a snap-dragon; he's a little like I thought he was, but the more I learn about him, in tidbits mind you, the more accepting I am that a) I was a little wrong about him and b) he might just be interesting beyond his pretty boy charm. I think the turning point was when he told me that he just wanted to love someone with the most sincere demeanor and "ah whatever" shrug I'd ever seen. It made me smile and think...maybe...

Jason, as I'll call him, gives amazing hugs; I told him this just the other day, and now he's taken to hugging me whenever he can. It makes me smile, the fact that he not only hears me, but understands what it is I'm truly saying. I'm growing to like him, but fear of liking him too much or being hurt has me thinking more than doing or saying which may or may not be a good thing. I like him, but am not sure I should or should continue to.

And what about Johnny? Well, he's still milling around too; he's taken a little bit to warm up to me, but we're warming pretty good. Romantically, I don't know, but warming none-the-less; I'm not even sure if romance is what I'm looking for, or if genuine companionship is my aim. In any case, what's a girl to do...

I forget to let go sometimes. To not be so judgemental and forward in thought. It trips me up in my walking life and befuddles my mind to the point I can't move for thinking so much. So what am I going to do? I'm going to roll and let the chips fall where they may, as I'm learning that in adulthood, sometimes, you just gotta go for it, whether you think it'll work or not.

The message for today: Stop thinking, and just go. If you keep thinking of reasons why not to do something you'll eventually convince yourself out of what you've wanted all along. Take a deep breath and a leap of faith, and no matter how it turns out, you'll be better for the experience. Unless it's drugs. Just say no to those.

XoXo - Tes

Everyone's Got Something

I don't find myself in too many situations that I don't know how to deal with and I rarely find myself making super wrong decisions. I think out most, if not all, of my moves and that's why my seemingly small, self-destructive moods wreck havoc on my logical side and make me question why I do the things I do.


As previously stated I've been on the depressed side of life lately, and have been really down on myself. I don't find myself smart or attractive or any of the things I worked so hard to see in myself previously. And for an ego boost, I did something out of character for me and woke up feeling ashamed of myself and where I was heading, and noted that, though it was a one time thing over the span of a few days it still was something that normally I wouldn't do.

In my head at the time it was a means to an end; I wanted attention, any kind, and that was a quick and easy way to acheive it but yet, in the end it didn't fill that part of me that's sad and wanting for something. In fact, it just made it worse, like I was feeding it by trying to stop it, adding on to the feeling of worthlessness and loneliness.

After realizing what I was doing, and why, it made it easier to make a clean break from it, but I think I'm one of the lucky ones. True, I still feel the way I feel, but I'm pulling out of it. And admittedly, my self-destructive thing isn't as bad as many depressed people's may be, and for that I'm grateful. But I do know that it can be a broad spectrum. It could be drinking and drugs, risky behaviors with strangers, self-harm, or as simple as pictures on the internet, but everyone has a "something," and knowing that makes me feel oddly better.

Knowing that, although different, everyone has something that alerts them or others when they aren't truly themselves makes me feel not as alone. And although I wish I could take back my something, doesn't mean that I necessarily regret it as it's shown me another side, albeit a darker one, to my personality. More importantly though, it's shown me a way out of it so that I can avoid it in the future.

Depression Is Super Real

I'm getting depressed again. And not just that superficial, "oh woe is me" type sh*t, but legit depressed. It's happened enough times now where I know the difference and know when it's setting in, but still I feel so powerless to stop it.

It's this feeling of loneliness, a retreating into myself further despite knowing I should try doing the opposite. It's like drowning with nothing to hold onto, and nothing to hold you in place so that you stop sinking. It's shame, and not wanting to tell people how you really feel for fear of bursting into tears when you know you're the "rock" to them and no one needs a crumbling stone. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't silent; it's loud, obnoxious negative thoughts that drown out anything good. And it's here.

I started noticing it and realizing it wasn't a normal thing in my mid-teens. Everyone else was always some variant of happy, or at least compliant, in their lives and the twists and turns, whereas I rarely was either. Then, just like now, I thought that people have too much going on in their lives to really see that sinking behind my eyes, so they ramble on about this or that when I'm wishing they'd feel it or at least see it. They never do, and I always lose faith in people and their supposed heightened emotional perception.

As the person other people go to for solace and strength, I find this feeling a weak thing that makes me less of who I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be a beacon, I'm supposed to be constant. I'm supposed to be...all these things that I can't be when I get this way. And it makes me angry, not only at myself, but at the people that surround me. They keep calling and talking and adding so much more noise...and the moment I try and interject, to let someone in on the fact that I'm not myself, they suddenly have something more pressing to do.

That always stings, no matter how or when it happens; no matter how I feel generally, people using me cuts deep and makes me question my want of company, companionship and whether I am better off being lonely than surrounded by people who may or may not care. It spirals and spirals until I convince myself to be alone and work through it myself, but the older I get, the longer it takes to pull myself back out of it. But I never feel like I have the option to share or shove that part of me onto someone else, and I never feel as if that's fair to them.

Moral of the story is, I'm depressed. I'm working on getting out of it. And if you know a "strong" and steady person in your life, on occasion, in between telling them how fabulous or f*cked up your life may be, ask about them. Notice them. See them. Be there for them. You could be the person giving hope to the hopeless and letting a person who loves you know love them too by simply being there.

Peace.

Sometimes I Forget My Creativity

It's odd how we never know how much we use a letter until we have to keep copying and pasting it. In any case, that's just what I did. And what I'm going to do again sometime this week. I just stopped by this time to leave a little piece of me that I always forget exists behind; the poet. I don't rhyme much, and I often write about love and the depth of the human mind/body/spirit...and now's no different. Sometimes there's so much going on in my head, in my heart and in my soul that there's nothing I can do to get it out. Nothing but write. I call it "Know Me"...so here goes...

If I could take all the things I feel about you

Think about you

Dream about you

And hold them in my hands

Wrap them in a gift box

A big one

And give them to you

I don't know if I could

I want you to know me

To see me

Beyond the shy smiles

And easy laughs

And into my person

Moreso 

I want you to want to

See me that is

Genuinely 

And be with me in spite of

Or because of seeing me

Officially

Not even exclusively

Okay a little exclusively

But how do I convey all that

Without seeming so so so...

Anyway

I don't want you to think

That I'm this breezy, prim and proper girl

I'm elusive

Pensive

Studious

And admittedly a little vulgar

Okay f*ck it, very vulgar

And that's not even touching the depth of me

But I'm so afraid

Afraid that getting to know a person will change me

Afraid that I'm never enough

Afraid of never being seen

Not just by you, but anybody

So how would you know?

So how would you know I'm this girl?

This funny, smart and loving girl

Who's favorite word is four-letters and can't be said in church?

Who's favorite thing to do is sit quietly and breathe deeply as if air was precious?

Who loves to joke and tease, talk and listen just as much as sit in silence or jam to music?

If all you've ever seen of me were glimpses

Shadows of the me that hides behind that veneer

That ice

That barrier that was built once upon a time when I loved too hard

And fell too quick

With no one to catch me or bandage my broken heart?

I won't lie and say I'm the model girlfriend

Because sh*t, I don't know

I won't lie and say you're my ideal guy

Because hell, you're about as gun shy as I am

And in the time that we've known each other 

We still don't know each other

But damn it, I want to

Know you that is

And have you know me too

And not just like two people

Who happen to be similar

And fall into some sh*t they don't want to be in

Just for the sake of not being lonely

I want us to be known to each other

In a way that's comfortable

If I could write you reams and reams

If I could hold what I feel for you in my hands

If I could show you what the landscapes of my dreams look like

I might

But instead

I'm either going to act like it all means nothing

That you don't weigh heavy on my mind

Conscious and subconscious

And let the opportunity to be

Be myself, be with you, be myself with you

Pass me by

Or

I'm going to throw it all in your face

In a frenzy of emotion

Of words

Of hand gestures

And with a breathless sigh

And shake of the head

Leave it all to you to decide

If you could

If you would 

If you want to

Because I want you to

Get to know me