A hiatus...for Friends?

First and foremost :) happy new year. Thanks for sticking with me throughout this first year of putting myself out in the world, in the open for the world to hear; by reading, either silently or by commenting -hell, even just stopping by to check my playlist - you've encouraged me to explore myself further and further so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

...welp, now that that's outta the way...

I'm going on a friend hiatus.

Me and W had a huge blow out where I felt lied to, cheated and pretty much stepped over. And she felt upset that by feeling lied to I was essentially calling her a liar. And yes, I did. And yep, it got ugly. And now I don't know where we are; we're sort of reconciling but it doesn't feel the same. I feel like I can't trust her as much as I used to, that I have to depend more on myself than I do her, which is great, but puts me in this weird, shifting place with her. From my end it feels like she's completely apathetic to my life and trials, which after a couple years I guess is natural, especially since she has her one life to live (no soap opera) and can't be forced to think about me and my little feelings all the time.

And so I dreamed up a friend hiatus; a time where I stop accepting, reciprocating or feeling any particular way about the people who aren't essential to me, which if I'm being honest, isn't that big a group anyway. Now it's going to be even more limited; a couple of the guys, my mom and dad, and possibly W - haven't really worked that one out yet.

You see the thing is, even though we're "reconciled" or made up, I still feel like I should hold back from her. I don't take too kindly to being hurt, as I'm sure I've told you, and so for her to hurt me, albeit unintentionally, with all she knows about me, just shakes up my little world. She's my person; if she could be so unsteady for me when all I really crave is stable relationships...what else is there to say or do? I love her, but every now and then folks need a break from each other, so I'm stepping back a few steps to access.

The friend hiatus is a mixed bag for me; I'm dealing with the inner pressure to be more, better, faster, so the relief of not having to carry these feelings for other people for awhile while I figure myself out is the blessing. The curse comes from realizing that it could do more harm than good as, as I've said earlier, I crave stable relationships because I feel so insecure on my own and get lonely very easily. Not to say I don't enjoy my own company, because Tes and Tes can come up with some awesome things for Tes to do on her own, but...it's hard to explain. Simply put, I crave what scares the sh*t out of me; I want to have these close relationships with people, but am terrified to put myself out there with many outside of my few close friends.

I have a lot on my mind; I'm considering driving clear across country until a voice (or Amber -my car) says "Drive no more!" and find a home. I'm not considering it actually, I'm going to do it, I just need to get a full savings account before I jump in and drive. I was thinking of moving in with W - still am - but with the shaky way I feel? I don't know. I'm considering diving head first, once I'm settled into my new home, back into school voraciously to pursue my teaching degree, realizing all too well that I'm needed in education field. I'm taking on more responsibility with bills, and life in general. So to not think of others for a change, to think of Tes first, relaxes my shoulders and fills my lungs with new air.

So, what do you think? Friend hiatus a good idea, or considering how I am, a bad one? What are you pursuing for the new year?

Love! <3

Stop Thinking; Just Go

I'm a sensual girl. I love to eat and feel the textures and different tastes. I love to hear great music and smile and sway to new beats. I find my joy on warm Autumn days with soft breezes and low humming lawn mowers, but it never dawned on me to maybe find that joy in the arms of a person until recently.

You remember the guy? That young one who had to learn a lesson? I love a man who learns, let me tell you. A few days after that incident he apologized profusely with puppy-dog eyes and repentant demeanor and I just smiled and said okay. In truth I should've apologized too; I was a little drunker, meaner, and harder on him than I really should've been, and it had everything to do with me and nothing to do with him. My perception of him, this "I think I'm somebody because I'm pretty" perception, made me lash out at every guy I'd ever met who happened to be like that through him. Unfair, I know. So I accepted his apology, and said that if he wanted we could learn to be friends.

And now we're learning and I'm learning not to be such a snap-dragon; he's a little like I thought he was, but the more I learn about him, in tidbits mind you, the more accepting I am that a) I was a little wrong about him and b) he might just be interesting beyond his pretty boy charm. I think the turning point was when he told me that he just wanted to love someone with the most sincere demeanor and "ah whatever" shrug I'd ever seen. It made me smile and think...maybe...

Jason, as I'll call him, gives amazing hugs; I told him this just the other day, and now he's taken to hugging me whenever he can. It makes me smile, the fact that he not only hears me, but understands what it is I'm truly saying. I'm growing to like him, but fear of liking him too much or being hurt has me thinking more than doing or saying which may or may not be a good thing. I like him, but am not sure I should or should continue to.

And what about Johnny? Well, he's still milling around too; he's taken a little bit to warm up to me, but we're warming pretty good. Romantically, I don't know, but warming none-the-less; I'm not even sure if romance is what I'm looking for, or if genuine companionship is my aim. In any case, what's a girl to do...

I forget to let go sometimes. To not be so judgemental and forward in thought. It trips me up in my walking life and befuddles my mind to the point I can't move for thinking so much. So what am I going to do? I'm going to roll and let the chips fall where they may, as I'm learning that in adulthood, sometimes, you just gotta go for it, whether you think it'll work or not.

The message for today: Stop thinking, and just go. If you keep thinking of reasons why not to do something you'll eventually convince yourself out of what you've wanted all along. Take a deep breath and a leap of faith, and no matter how it turns out, you'll be better for the experience. Unless it's drugs. Just say no to those.

XoXo - Tes