Tes Does Not Like Waiting

I forget what I was dreaming about, or if I was dreaming at all. All I remember is a phrase repeating in my head over and over in my state of unconsciousness until it got so loud and big and full I couldn't sleep any more until I wrote it down. And so, in the middle of the night, in the dark with no glasses on I found a piece of paper, a pen and wrote a love poem. I hadn't written a love poem with someone in mind in so long it took me a while after laying back down to calm down that giddiness with not only writing, but with the feeling of writing for someone after so long with no one to really write for.

You see, I used to write love poems to get the lust out of me. Looking at me you wouldn't think I'm that kind of girl, but I totally can be. It's never something I talk about or that too many people know about me, as I tend to, when I like someone initially, side-step every innuendo and double entendre until it literally hurts to do so anymore and even then, I'll only slip in one or two before I rein in that piece of me and replace it with a gentler, sweeter part of me, something a little easier to handle. So the conundrum becomes denying a part of me it's time to shine until the right time. And to me, there's never a really right time for me to let that part of me out on someone.

You see, this guy I'm into, he's noticed it a little bit. Okay, maybe more than a little bit, but I'm not sure if he knows how much of it there actually is. And there's so much because there's never been someone like him in my life who has pretty much all there is to have to excite me; other guys have bits and pieces, maybe something quirky about them I'm into but they never made me feel anything one way or another. So all this pent up sensuality that's had nothing to do but stew and mold itself to my creative mind is finally thinking 'Maybe this one...?'

I'm not going to say it's just a sex thing, (because with me and my mind it's never just a "one function" sort of thought) but an overall want to be in this person's presence. To hold this person's hand. Lay across this person and watch tv. Kiss this person. It's the physical that I miss so much because it's the only thing I can't have right this moment. Everything else is lining up fine; we're getting to know each other and getting real comfortable with each other, albeit we haven't necessarily had a fight yet (which, I'm not sure why he's waiting for...) but regardless of the distance we're learning each other. Which is dope.

But sometimes a girl wants to be held at night. Sometimes a girl wants to snuggle up, or wrestle. Sometimes a girl wants that physical, palm to palm sort of closeness to mimic the closeness she already feels in her heart with a person. And that's where I'm at right now; craving the closeness. And like with a lot of the things I've been feeling lately, I'm thinking I'm not the only one.

The fact I've managed to tastefully say everything I've wanted to say is a feat in and of itself and at this point I think I can leave it as it is.

So what's a girl to do when she's missing something so trivially vital, something that most couples tend to neglect or not appreciate? Is there anyway to get over it or is it just a really mean waiting game?

What Am I Waiting On...

I was perusing Youtube last night and came across this sensual, smooth and sexy video from Marlon Palmer and a very gorgeous Amber Rose looking woman. It got me to wondering, what it was I am really waiting on with this whole sex thing?

I'm a virgin. I'm not sure if you've picked up on that or not, but yep. I think the misconception about me is that I either represent all virgins (not the case) or I fall into the stereotype of the "virgin friend" (certainly not the case). I find myself the recipient of a lot of late night calls from friends asking for advice on love, life, and yep, sex. I know a lot. I haven't done anything, but I tend to know little things that make the big moment a great experience for others. Small things like candle light (some girls are too self-conscious for full light but love the thrill of being seen), a playlist of long jazz tracks (so not only are there no lyrics to get tangled up in, the risk of "Can't Nobody Love You Like Jesus" popping up is very slim), or even simple things like massages with warm oil (Sweet almond <3) are suggestions I've made to my girls (and yes, even my boys).

One of the boys broached the subject of the type of lover I go for as he's never heard me make mention of my own sex life. I had to break it to him gently that A) I don't have a sex life and B) I hadn't really given much thought to it as I'm waiting on a certain someone or something.

But that video up there? It sums up everything I'm waiting on. There's a slow sensuality to it. A playful seriousness. A little spice/excitement/voyeurism with the camera. There's respect (he's not rushing it), and there's equal admiration as both of them just take their time to enjoy each other. Not to say it doesn't get hot, but whereas I feel most people think a bomb is what needs to go down, I think a smoldering fire is the way to get things done. Plus that song? Geez... it's perfect. It has a classic R&B/Soul feel, it's not overly sexual a la "You Remind Me Of My Jeep" (nor as crass and unintentionally hilarious). It kind of promotes the same smoldering sexy that I go for.

So to answer the question, what I'm waiting on is someone who understands the nuances of my sensuality. Someone who'll appreciate my slowness and not mistake it for stalling but understand it as a fascination or admiration of their form. Someone patient and knowledgeable, one who doesn't mind teaching and being taught. I'm waiting on a kind heart, someone who doesn't rush and wants to get to know me as a person first. Someone smart enough to know the traditional game of seduction, but still throw in new age game in there. I'm waiting for a counterpart, someone worth my effort who'll put in equal work. Someone serious, but not enough to not have some fun with.

I'm waiting on me, too. Waiting to become comfortable enough with my scars, physical and otherwise, to truly let someone in enough to trust them with my body. I have kind of a teenage boy's fear of getting naked and someone either pointing and laughing or becoming completely disgusted. I know the likelihood of that happening is slim, but because I'm not yet fully comfortable I can't really rule that out. I'm waiting on a relationship with someone, not just a casual "nice shoes...wanna have sex?" sort of fling; I'm waiting on hand holding, cuddling, and talking about everything and nothing at the same time. I'm waiting on a person willing to know me, not just know my body.

In short, I'm waiting on the right person and the right time. At 21 apparently that's refreshing. Not sure if it'll be the same if I reach 45 this way, but... Whereas before I didn't think there was hope for me, in that way, I'm not convinced that I'm up to the challenge. It's just about finding that guy who's right up to it with me and willing to put in the work.