Seeing With The Heart

I always hated getting ready for things. Anything at all would be this big thing about how the clothes fit, the accessories, too much cleavage (which, with chesticles like mine is a frequent concern) and a myriad of other things that, usually by the time I got to where I was going, didn't matter. It was always an ordeal further stressed by my body issues; stretch marks (are they showing?), scars (are they showing too?) and weight (does it make me look fat?). I'm like every other woman when I put on a pair of jeans and pray that the muffin top doesn't ruin the whole outfit. Or I used to be.

Today I woke up with a purpose; I've got a lot of things going on. I've got to go toss my school like a salad set some things straight with my school and their lack of acknowledgement of anything that needs to be said until the money is due (which is extremely trifling to a jobless college student). I have to turn in a resume or two. I have an impromptu interview with a Sprint manager. I'm kind of about my business right now.

I woke up with bad hair. Now, regular haired, or completely relaxed women can just pop on a hat or a ponytail and call it a day. My hair though, with it's tendrils in some places, curls in others and otherwise lack of cohesion refused to be fully tamed. Instead of freaking out, I let it do what it wanted to do with a few hindrances to mimic a style. It looks great.

I haven't lost weight, but the weight I have seems to be distributing in other places. What I mean is, my stomach, which used to seems so huge to me, has flattened out. My hips though, have spread a bit. My thighs are bigger; the girls too. I've been taking care of myself by eating healthier, and living healthier. Don't get me wrong; I hate to sweat so exercise makes me roll my eyes, but I'm not allergic to walking or lifting. Simple things like taking the stairs instead of the escalator, oranges instead of doughnuts, and stretching while reading have made my body more mine rather than just a thing that holds me.

George and W have been telling me equally that I need to find love for myself; I seem to have such love and acceptance for others, such forgiveness of faults with them, but not for myself. I've been doing a lot of digging to find that little nugget in me; that fearless, confident and fiery piece that I seemed to have lost somewhere along the tumbles of my life. Now that I've found it, nothing is going to take it away. Life's better with confidence and faith; somethings I'm no longer in short supply of.

By learning to take care of myself I learned to appreciate all the good parts of me, almost to the point that the bad no longer matters. I still have stretch marks, and scars, and all those other things, but in the scheme of things, when looking at me, I don't see them much anymore. Instead I see strength, I see femininity, I see flirtatiousness. I see me. And it feels like it took forever to make the connection that the person I see in the mirror is not even half of the person I truly am.

The muffin top maybe under the shirt, but the truth of the matter is, nobody's noticing it; they're too busy admiring my spirit, my cheerful disposition, and all of the other things I have going for me other than my looks.* Sometimes I forget that it's not always what we see but what we feel. Just like with faith in a God, or hope for a better future, what we see in front of us might be bleak or not up to our standards, but that doesn't stop us from believing, it doesn't stop us from seeing something better with our hearts.

Spreading love
Dropping knowledge
Learning in the process <3

*Addendum: That's not an excuse to be sloppy though. Take pride in yourself!*

(4) A Song to Cry For

I'm a daddy's girl. I can't recall a time where I wasn't considered one by my peers or even my family; it's just a fact. My daddy means the world to me, and anyone who's ever heard me speak of him knows why; he's supportive and encouraging and always has time to listen. He shows me and tells me he loves me all the time, even when I feel like the world's crumbling beneath my feet; he's usually the one to put a magic carpet under my feet that lets me float on a little while longer until I can put my feet on solid ground again.

I couldn't imagine my life without my father; sure, he was a military dad and had to go away a lot, but he always made up for it. Not with things or with promises, but with time. There were many a day we would just sit and talk or play video games. Days where he would teach me how to play basketball, throw a football, and make baked potatoes in an oven. To this day I value the time people give me more than the things they do, most likely because my father taught me that when you love someone, that's what you do; you give them time.

Luther Vandross' "Dance with My Father" always makes me cry. It makes me sad to know that one day I won't be anybody's little girl anymore. I try not to think much about it, but the fact is the older I get, the older he gets too even though in my eyes he's still the same age he's always been. Even now thinking about it puts a little lump in my throat.

I feel this strongly about "Dance with My Father" because I know it's something that I'm one day going to wish for; one more moment, one more dance with my Daddy. All I want to do in the world is make him proud and make him think "Wow, that's my kid," and he tells me all the time that he's always thinking that. He tells me all the time, but one day there's not going to be anymore telling me so. One day I'm just going to have to believe that I made him proud, and so, one song that makes me sad whenever I hear it (or think it) is Luther Vandross' "Dance with My Father."

Spreading Love
Dropping knowledge
Getting sappy <3

The Truth in the Hair

So I've been transitioning into my real hair for a few months now (three or four, I don't remember), and I'm at about an inch and a half new stuff all around, some places longer some shorter. I was over at VSB the other day and the topic was women and the amount of money they spend to be beautiful with the focus on hair. What I found out was that not a lot of women, relaxed or natural, know what's really going on with their hair care products and what the things they use actually do. So, I made a list of things I've learned that I didn't previously know.

1) Most shampoos are made to strip the hair of oils; Black hair needs oils to thrive. See the problem there? The solution is to simply not use shampoos; most conditioners contain less harmful sulfates (the things that make the bubbles) and silicones. If you must use shampoos though, go for the ones low in sulfates and dimethicone; you can tell how much is in the bottle by the ingredients list as it goes in descending order from what's used most to what's used least in the product. If I had to suggest any I'd say Carol's Daughter Ameh Khoret Shampoo, or Kinky-Curly's Clarifying Shampoo.

2) Most things ending with "-cone" are hair coaters and don't help the hair either. Try using your shampoo on it's own one day and wait for your hair to react. Most likely the hair will be dry as straw, but shiny. Shiny hair isn't necessarily healthy as a lot of chemicals can mimic those results, but ultimately harm the hair by making it brittle. Instead, co-wash (natural girl term for conditioner wash); using your fingertips, conditioner and a little friction, your hair will be just as clean as if you use shampoo. Most conditioners do still have cones and sulfates in them; try to avoid the ones with heavy doses of those and try to get the ones with the least amount possible or, better yet, all natural ones. Personally, I use Herbal Essences Totally Twisted (and a bit of baking soda.).

3) Natural hair is no more difficult than relaxed hair. It's all about preference, honestly, and I find that I spend more time on my natural hair than I ever did on my relaxed hair even though the same things I do for my hair now would have logically worked for my hair then. I spend more time because I enjoy my hair now, whereas before I was always so worried about it getting messed up or doing something wrong that I wouldn't experiment with it at all. With my hair now I can try anything and if it doesn't work, I can wash it out and try again or stick to the basics, but just because that works for me doesn't mean that it's the right choice for everyone else.

4) Product junkie tendencies wear out over time. When I first started I was buying everything I read about on the hair blogs; Kinky-Curly, Jessie's, and Carol's Daughter to name a few. After working with my hair and trying a lot of things out, I found what works and what doesn't. There's no need to keep going out and buying more and more things if you already have something that works. Put the curling custard down. And the shampoo too. Now walk away.

5) I make my own staples out of things I have in the house. For instance, I mix baking soda with my conditioner (Herbal Essences Totally Twisted) to clarify my hair (natural term for: get out the dirt and product build-up). In my spritz bottle which I use to moisturize on hot, dry days I have extra virgin olive oil, sweet almond oil and water (an orange oil, which I had to buy at a specialty store). At one point I used paprika for something. I forget what. In any case, it doesn't take a lot of premade chemical mixtures to make your hair behave. Quite the contrary, with what little I use, my hair's healthier and easier to manage than it's ever been.

6) It's your hair, you don't have to explain anything to anybody. When I see people who used to know me in high school their eyes go from my eyes to my hair and back. They ask what I'm doing. I say going natural and keep it moving. The few times I have explained why (the last relaxer incident) I get that sketpical "mmhm" or a "girl, pain is beauty." No, it actually isn't. Pain is pain, that's why people call it that. I get the nappy conversation from people, I get the "you don't know what you're doing" conversation from people, but at the end of the day, I know what I'm doing is right for me. There may be days when it doesn't look it, but my decision is actually for the best.

7) Prove them wrong. My grandmother is adamantly against my natural hair and she hasn't even seen it yet. She thinks that it's this afro of tightly coiled, matted hair. In actuality, because I'm transitioning, I have about 5-6 inches of straight hair and 1-2 inches of curly hair. I mix the textures by twisting and then deriving styles from that texture. My hair is soft, it's easily manageable (yes, even from the roots) and in a few months when she sees me, she's going to know that it's beautiful just like I know it's beautiful.

Hope this helps the girls out there struggling with their folicles :)

Spreading love
Dropping knowedge
Educating the masses <3

(3) Two Songs That Make Me Happy

Yo, tell me fellas have you seen her? It was about five minutes ago...
Once upon a time in the early 2000's there was this new kid out named Chris Brown. Now when I saw him I thought he had to be the most adorable dude I'd ever seen. He had this kind of buck-toothed grin and big expressive eyes. And then he sang. And oh boy did I melt.

"Yo (Excuse Me Miss)" can, to this day, make me break out in a grin. It was the cutest and oddly open song I'd heard in awhile in a sea of disappointing R&B and pop. He was crooning ever-so sweetly about approaching a girl the right way and what's not to love about that? My favorite part would have to be the break down; I literally melt. The music gets soft and frames his voice so beautifully. And the harmony? It cuts to the core and ruins my "tough girl" image.

Around the same time another lanky country boy hit the scene by the name of Trey Songz. I remember I was in the car with my mother and "Gotta Make It" came on. I didn't know who this dude was, but wow was he saying something endearing and his voice was warm and different; he sounded like home.

Shawty, all I got is a dollar and a dream is you gonna roll with me?
From the first line I absolutely loved it. Most of the other songs out at the time were talking about women in an objectifying sort of way, but Trey went right to the heart, asking his woman if she was down to make their dreams come true because with her, he was determined to make it. As a woman, not only does it do my heart some good to know that there are guys out there who get it (we as women aren't trying to crush your dreams, we're trying to be a part of them) and the fact that he sang with such conviction gives a girl like me hope for a bright future for my own dreams with or without someone to roll with for the moment.

These two songs always turn my day around. They speak to that romantic, youthful and hopeful part of my spirit that sometimes gets dragged into the harsher realities of life while ignoring the beautiful ones. They give me hope, and make me want to fall in love and for that, these two songs make me the happiest.

Trouble Don't Last Always

But man, when it rains it pours. I've been having a really tough time this month for a myriad of reasons; I can't seem to get any great interviews for jobs, I can't seem to get any call backs either, and even if I did, my phone's busted now so there's really no point. Also, Mother got a job at a place I've been calling for weeks which puts her at two jobs to my 0. Embarrassing? Entirely. Depressing? You have no idea...

I think the wet phone was the final straw. I mean, I'm a year off of teenager-dom so this might sound a bit dramatic, but my phone is literally a third of my life (the others are internet and music of course :) ). The four people I love most in the world contact me on that phone on a daily or weekly basis. Those are the people that encourage and uplift me in my funk to see that all it takes is a little more hard work. Potential employers could be trying to call me at this very moment, though given my current history I doubt it.

I had a job interview yesterday that I didn't tell Mother about. I feel like when I tell her she just rolls her eyes and does that "mmhm" that means "yep, whatever." Again, this may just be what I hear in my head, but I always think that she doesn't have much faith in me, so I try not to tell her these things until/unless I get the job. I took the bus, changed into professional clothes (and hair) in the restroom and then proceeded to wait twenty minutes to be interviewed with five or six other people. Their resumes were extensive; all I had was a two page long diddy about the two jobs I managed to work and my recommendations from them as well as a few teachers. I got the sympathetic smile and the "we'll let you know." I don't think I got it.

Later this same day, my phone slipped into a sink full of water and Listerine where I was soaking my retainers. While I was in the shower. For about twenty minutes. It turns on still after a night in rice, but nothing else. How am I going to afford a new phone? I'm basically a squatter as it is right now, and I hate having to ask my parents for money. I'm old enough to vote for heaven's sake and I can't even...*sigh*

Even though I want to really give up right now, I'm reminded of something George said to me the other day. He said that he hates when I don't reach my full potential and when I don't think I'm good enough, because he knows I'm good enough. He told me that moments like right now, when I feel like just lying face down and waiting for the Rapture, are when I should kick into a higher gear and put all my faith in God and myself. The man is a little looney sometimes, but I can't help but thinking he's right this time.

So what I'm going to do is register for the fall semester at my school, fix my face, and find solutions where I can. If I give up, then everything is going to pile on, but if I fight this drowning feeling, most likely I'll learn to swim. I like those odds.

Sometimes I forget that just because things seem bad now it doesn't mean they always will. With determination, hope, and a little faith, I think I can power through all this and finally find my track in life. Wish me luck :)

Spreading love
Dropping knowledge
Seeing the light <3

(2) Least Favorite Song

Just like with favorites, it's hard to name least favorites...okay I'm lying. It's easier. Mostly because there are artists who I don't respect, making silly music that makes me nauseous, and who are easily discernible by the public as they don't have talent, but their marketing team surely does. So, let's make a list:

1) Pink Friday (the whole freakin' album)- Nicki Minaj: Why is it that an artist would go ham on any and every song featured on, but not on their own album. I understand diversity. I understand pleasing the masses. What I don't understand is how anything from her album sounds excruciatingly different (and ultimately entirely too soft from the demeanor she was presenting) from her features. It makes me think someone writes for her and her merits are based solely on her ass persona.

2) Trapped in the Closet - Aruh Kelly: The whole. Freaking. Series. Really doe? Really? It was like Tyler Perry sat down somewhere and wrote up an entire script of off-hand, ridiculous sh*t and thought "Hmm...I wonder what would happen if I set this whole thing to music." It irritated me. And the fact that every week was another episode? *sigh*

3) "Motivation" - Kelly Rowland: I ain't motivated. At all. Even Wayne couldn't save it for me. Something about her "almost but not quite there" vocals and the extreme left field lyrics (since when was Kelly raunchy-sexy?) just turned me all the way down. (Although usually I'm not a Wayne fan, his ad-libs and bars in the track were pretty good. Meh.)

4) "Pretty Girl Rock" - Keri Hilson: Maybe nobody else was listening the same way, but what I heard is, "I'm pretty. Ask your man, he's been looking. You're not pretty. I'm fly. You're jealous. Because, you know...I'm pretty." Not because she's smart, not because she's doing anything for herself. Course not, but she's pretty. Maybe it's the fact every woman was running around singing it like it was the new empowerment track. Maybe it's the fact that Keri Hilson is a better song-writer/producer than an actual talent (because she produced fire tracks with The Clutch). Whatever it is...I wasn't feeling it.

5) "S&M" - Rihanna: I'm just gonna throw it out there. I think it's tacky to be talmbout how you like it rough (like it, like it in fact) and like to be a little roughed up...but your ex-boyfriend is to this day being dragged across hot coals as "Beat Her Down" Brown. Yes, I understand there's a difference between love taps and getting that a** beat, however when you've been in that situation I would think the last thing you'd want to do is talk about someone putting their hands on you, or you putting your hands on them, in an even slightly violent light. It was tacky, and foolish. Simple as that.

Honorable Mention: I may get flack for this as a hip-hop head, but PM Dawn's "Set Adrift?" *smh*. I'm more partial to the original. Which is by a man-group by the name of Spandau Ballet. The beat was perfect, but they're rhymes just weren't hitting it for me. Do I still get to keep my hip-hop membership card?

So...what's your least favorite? Or do you just have a least favorite artist...genre...album?

Early Life Crisis

I've been feeling really down lately. Could you tell? I just feel like I have all these thought and dreams and ideas that just can't happen. Is that what a mid-life crisis feels like? Because as it stands now I feel like I am in crisis mode: I don't eat much, I sleep too much, and I don't feel like doing much of anything. I spend most of my days alone, which isn't unusual, but I'm finding now that I get lonely more than I feel accepting of my own presence.

Maybe it's because I think everything I've been told is a lie. You work hard in school, you focus and get good grades, you do better than other people academically you'll be set up to handle the world. Maybe it's because the world's changed but the lies haven't. I should go to school, get a degree in something liberal and hope to get a job doing something that has at least a little to do with it. The reality is nobody my age is getting those jobs. Those jobs go to the folks with families and debt and desperation in their eyes when I know I have too much pride to ever let anyone know how desperate I am. But it's like a friend once told me, you can't eat pride.

All the college commercials on TV tell the same lies; be a nurse, be a dental assistant, be a technical engineer, those jobs are recession proof and on the rise. Basic economics says that the more something floods the market (techs, nurses, dental assistants) the less valuable it becomes. All the studies showing those rises are a few years old at the least; the boom seems non-existant now.

It's not all about jobs and what I want to do with my life, even though I know I don't want to still be in the room I was in in high school a few years from now. It's about me and my lack of faith in anything lately; I'm not even sure I have faith in myself anymore. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is that none of it is working.

I was sitting in the car the other day at a gas station a few miles from home shedding tears and wishing I could just keep driving. Just drive and drive until I'm some place where I feel like I'm not so trapped and that I can breathe. I always feel like I'm gasping, like there's not enough air for me and like no matter what I do, whether I make moves here or stay secluded at home it'll all end up the same and I still won't be breathing.

Yeah, I think this is crisis mode. Hopefully I can think my way out of it or at least find something to motivate myself forward because as it stands, you could be reading the words of an American tragedy or an American triumph. The fact that I can't tell the difference between the two means I have a lot of thinking to do.

Spreading love
Dropping knowledge
Being open <3