Expect From Others What You Expect From You

Recently my best friend and I were having a conversation about expectations. As I have next to no valid dating experience (in my opinion), I told her I was lowering my expectations of men so that they can lower their expectations of me. She liked my rant so much she quoted it (which makes it easier for me to remember and requote here).

"I'm lowering my expectations of men," I said, "So they can lower their expectations of me. I can't be thin with a 42 inch *ss, I can't be a size six in shoes, nor enjoy cooking and exercise more than I do eating. I can't be some Gabrielle Union/Zoe Saldana looking chick with a p*nis in my mouth and a skillet in my hand. It's ridiculous, there's no point, and it's highly unlikely that any of that can happen in the span of time he'll want it to."

Sure, it was a tirade, but I had a lot of valid points.

1) Unreachable expectations affect everyone. Women, if you yourself are not a Nicki Minaj in the body but you want a Morris Chestnut/Denzel Washington looking somebody, you get a major side eye. Where's the reality in that? How do you expect someone of that caliber to even find you? Work on it. Work at it. If not, give that cute but slightly gap-toothed brotha a chance!

2) Acknowledging your faults doesn't make them go away, but it makes them a hell of a lot easier to work with and get over. I've always envied how men can know something is wrong with them and still just roll with it. I once asked a dude what his flaws were and he said "I'm a little knock-kneed, but my girl digs it. That's about it though." Done. How many women can do that? Further, how many women have just one thing? I know I have a laundry list of "not enough this, too much that" but I learned once you just look at it and say "Yep, that's me" and roll with it, it never seems as big as it was before.

3) Reachable expectations yield more results than unreachable ones. The best friend frequently tells me I don't know what I really like in men because so few get to be close enough to me to know. Since I'm not looking for an Adonis with a PhD in deep thought and cuisine it opens up my options that much more, and thus, let's folks get to know me much more than they normally would.

In short though, expect from others what you expect from yourself. That laundry list of "must-haves" from years ago is now a dwindled down post-it of "would-likes," and I'm much happier for it.


XoXo,

Testorshia

I'm a Slacker

And I'm so sorry for that. As it turns out, I write a lot, but always forget to post up. Go figure, right?
In any case, I'm back with a few new stories to tell...starting sometime next week. I've been doing a lot of transitioning lately; I got into a comm. college a bus ride and a mile walk away, I'm transitioning into natural hair, and still constantly on the prowl for jobs that require typing and nothing fried. I say all this to say I've been busy, but busy doesn't mean I neglect the blog. Shame, shame on me. Until tomorrow! (Or Monday...or...you know what? We'll see. [I kid I kid])

XoXo,
Testorshia

Some Things Never Change

So it's here. The day that all families either dread or look forward to all year for one reason or another: Thanksgiving. On this Thanksgiving though, like most forcibly dragged people, I'd rather be anywhere but where I am. On a technicality, it's not even my biological family I'm with anyway and that got me thinking of places I'd rather be.
I recently moved back in with my mother, but before I got here I was staying in Fayetteville with my dad (on and off as he's in the military). I'd rather be there. Most likely I'd be alone as he's saving the world, with a store bought mini-turkey and side dishes from any restaurant opened the day before turkey day. I'd be watching t.v. under a fluffy blanket, candles lit, and content. I'd be alone, and perfectly at peace. Instead, I'm surrounded. Completely. Children are climbing over my legs, tweens are looking over my shoulder, and adults are asking me how to download movies and music. They love me here, but suffice it to say, I don't love it here.
I've always been a loner; in kindergarten I'd play with the other children for awhile before going off on my own under the jungle gym or by a tree to draw or read or just watch clouds go by. Sooner or later though, the other children and the teacher would eventually find me and drag me back into their world of "now now now." Nothing has changed with age; no matter where I go, someone always finds me and in my opinion it's a curse disguised as a blessing.
When I'm alone, I get to be who I always am. I get to think and to be mellow. I get to dream and to plan. I get to focus and most of all I get to de-stress. But people always find me, and when they do, it's immediately my job to listen to them, fix them, or entertain them. And I always turn it on. I make 'em laugh. I make 'em cry. I kill it, no matter the mission at hand. Once it's done and they're gone, more show up and I don't get to turn it off again until I'm home and even then some of them find me there. That's not to say I find people a burden (though I do. Most of them anyway.) My few friends are the only exception because with them, I still maintain that sense of self and am who I am instead of who they want me to be.
And there's the key. I'm always who everyone expects me, needs me, or wants me to be. Rarely am I completely myself, because few of them need that. They need a big sister, a mother figure, a counselor, a lap-dancer. They need pieces of me.
So this holiday season, it's my resolution to be me. A loner. Take me where you want to, lead me to where you want to, but don't expect much more from me than this: to be there and not there at the same time.
How do holidays effect your mood or thought processes? Do you consider yourself a loner or a social person?
Let it marinate, and get back to me
-Testorshia

Don't Complain About the Fish If Your Bait Ain't No Good

I ran across a Facebook status today, not unlike all the others I come across, saying the usual "Men ain't sh*t", "Women confuse the hell out of me" and the like. Then I realized, maybe nobody ever told folks the straight up and up on relationships. Maybe they just didn't understand it. Trust me, I've had many a person say some "Tes, that's deep" and not know what it was I said. I'm gonna lay down some knowledge, if I may...
To the ladies: Men treat you the way you let yourself be treated. If you ever wonder why a man disrespects you and acts like it's nothing, consider the fact that you may act like it's nothing. How's he going to know not to treat you like some h*e on the street if you keep letting him? The answer is, he won't. Speak up. Don't let it pass and pass until one day you pull an Al Green on him and leave him wondering what the hell just happened. Something as simple as "I don't appreciate that, don't do it anymore," could solve the problem. Just let it be known. And if he violates that boundary, leave him. Disrespect is only a few steps down from the relationship "Hell no's" we as women have been told to avoid since the beginning of time. Keep in mind that this dude who doesn't respect you is taking up the space of the next man who just might.
To the gentleman: Let chivalry live. I know in the age of independent women some women may not want you to pull out their chairs or open their doors. If you were raised that way, respectfully tell them so and continue to do you. As much as some women protest, a lot of women actually complain about that very thing. Plus, nobody likes a push over. If a woman kept changing because you told her to, a few years into it you'd be bored (I hope?). You'd want an individual. Someone with her own mind. Treat chivalry like that. Nice guys don't always finish last, but when they do, it's because they realize the "prize" they were fighting for wasn't worth all their devotion, or they found something better.
Also ya'll, keep in mind nobody likes a boring, needy person. If your life's purpose is finding a spouse and having them complete you, most people will either be terrified or turned off.  Find out who you are first before trying to be something or someone to anybody else. Be interested in things other than what that person is interested in. Be interesting in your own right. Be interesting for yourself. Nobody wants someone who doesn't seem to even want themselves.
Finally (and most important might I add), remember your bait for the fish you're trying to catch. If you want someone who's healthy, has a nice body, a few degrees and in a Fortune 500 company, do that for yourself first. Expecting all that from somebody who's supposed to be interested in you and not expecting those same standards for yourself is setting you up for the big let down. Don't be afraid to be an attractive person, not just physically but personality wise as well. Nobody likes a brotha/sista with an attitude for no reason. It's okay to smile. It's okay to be polite. You attract what you put out, or as Nana used to remind me "Don't complain about the fish if your bait ain't no good."
XoXo,
Testorshia

You've Been Dating 4 Days: It's Not Love, It's Newness

Call me a killjoy, but I was over high school before middle school was even half way through. Everyone was pretending to be grown up, doing and saying grown up things without being prepared for consequences or really knowing what they were doing would really mean to them later on in life. With that said I was a late bloomer and I didn't have my first "boyfriend" until freshman year of college.
He lasted six days. He was insecure about my friends and what they were doing and what they thought of him more so than what I was doing and what I thought of him. Truth be told, we had nothing in common. He liked me, I liked that he liked me, so I went along with it. And on the fourth day, he said it. Yes, it. And I mentally wretched.
I didn't love him back. How could I? I didn't even know him. We were dating. In my mind dating is getting to know someone, letting them get to know you, and eventually seeing where the chips fall in the end. Dating is not clinging desperately to a person when you're lonely in hopes that they love you. Before you think it, no I'm not an anti-romantic, quite the contrary. If a man can come to me, make me smile and want to be in his presence consistently, I'll be the mushiest romantic the world has ever seen. As it stands though, "Hey shawty" and "Pssst!" don't constitute either of those. Call me rigid, but if you can't treat me like a lady and not some random street walker, I'd say we have next to nothing in common and you get no play.
Back to the subject at hand. Four days and it was love for him. By day five I knew it wasn't going to work out. I spent the night pondering, thinking, wading through my emotions. By day six I told him I didn't think it was going to work out. Day seven he was on my phone wanting me back, but that's a different blog for a different day.
What I mean to say is, love happens on it's own time. No amount of rushing, wanting, praying, fasting, nor sacrifice will bring it to you when you want it. There is nothing more annoying than that associate who's in love after three days of knowing the person and a McDouble.
I wanted to say to him "Say bruh, it's been four days. Pump your brakes." Instead, I let him think it was his idea to break up and let it happen the way it happened. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and tell him in addition to his clinginess, he was possibly the worse kisser ever, but that's also another blog for another time.
I guess what I'm saying is, stop all the madness. Let it happen on its own. A watched pot never boils. Being infatuated with something new, and being in love are rarely if ever the same thing. What do you think? Does newness cloud the judgement of people, or is it actually a love jones going on? Think on it, and get back to me.
XoXo,
Testorshia

The Smallest Things Contribute to Ultimate Happiness

I've been bogged down lately in a lot of adult stuff. Finding a new job, starting school with people "misplacing" my records (I swear, it's like they don't want my money), and trying out this new "social life" thing that I hear is all the rage. In all that adult stuff my iPod decided to surprise me with "Take Me There" by Mya, Blackstreet and nem. Any kid from the nineties remembers this song as it was virtually the Rugrats song. Immediately I broke into a grin and had the insane want to dance around and or jump rope/hopscotch. Five minutes is all it took to take me back to where my biggest problems were running out of juice and Gingerbread men before All That came on after dinner. Five minutes of a simple piano riff and I was there, sitting in front of a tv screen with a stuffed bear named Moo, a juice and a pack of peaches within arms reach. Five minutes and I was overjoyed.
I forget sometimes that those same things that made me happy as a kid could make me happy now. Time to sit in the sun. Time to jump rope. Nap time. Disney movie time (I'll be honest, as we speak I'm collecting extensive Disney DVDs because my mom gave away all the VHS tapes. How could she just give up my childhood like that?! I tell you...). So today I went out and got some coloring books, some crayons and set up camp on my back porch, my iPod set to my Disney playlist (don't judge me). Before I knew it, an hour had gone by and I was just content. Peaceful. For that one hour I didn't have anything to worry about except coloring inside the lines, if I wanted.
Earlier in my day, during my designated T-Time (time between 3am and 9 am where if you aren't on fire or in dire need I don't answer calls) my best friend George calls me. He tells me a five minute story of how his morning is going, country drawl and grammar in tact, then comes to an inside joke I hadn't heard in ages and I'm laughing until I can't breathe.
Moments, small moments, large moments, still moments, loud moments...life is about the moments. Is it all joy and sunshine and 90s Nick cartoons? No. Can it be every once in awhile. Only if you make time for it. Life will take you by the ankles and try to drag you down and pull you away from the things that make you truly happy. It's your duty to yourself to hold onto that, be it with Beanie Babies (don't front like I'm the only one with a Beanie Baby in the closet), a classic Disney movie, or even those Swiss swirls you used to like. Whatever it is, hold onto it for yourself. Find happiness in it, at least for that moment.
What makes you that kiddie-giddy happy? How long has it been since you had a moment of truly blissful peace? Marinate on it, and get back to me.
XoXo,
Testorshia

Motion Can Belie Activity

I have always been a thinker. When I was a child, people would ask me questions about this or that and I distinctly remember taking a few seconds (okay, sometimes minutes) to think about it before answering. They always looked perplex that I had such "profound thought" for a kid. I just thought it was common sense. As I grew older though, I found that sense is not all that common and that thinking before you answer or act is not a desired trait these days.
I'm entering college soon and I had a few doubts and concerns. I've been out of high school a year, community college about three months and I still don't know what career I want. So I soon went to work on trying to find what I like and consider myself good at.
To outsiders looking in, I was making pointless lists and diagrams, searching and researching for nothing, and basically chillin while reading and looking out windows. I should just do it. I should just go out there and do something, anything besides sit and think and type. Move! Be! Do!
While listening to "Trashy" by J Dilla and hanging out with my (neighbor's) dog Cookie I thought to myself that moving for the sake of moving, or for the sake of other people wanting you to, doesn't lead you any nearer to who you want to be or your goals. If anything it distracts you and makes trouble, making the decision process unnecessarily long.
I figured that out earlier when I was at my job of folding and hanging at the mall. The more I focused on this one job, this job that wouldn't sustain many of my needs for stimulation (mentally, financially, socially, take your pick) the further I got from myself and what I was trying to accomplish. I got the job to help out my mother, to make it so she wouldn't worry about my few bills or nag me to death. We all have some sort of mother figure, so we know how that goes; even when you have the one thing they wanted you to have, you now need to have it better, bigger, broader.
My mother and my book addiction compelled me to find another job, but I declined. I thought more about what I wanted out of life. To my mother, my father, my friends, I was lounging like LL and Total in the 90s. But in my mind, so many things were going on that I had to decide, to do. What did I want out of life? Who did I want to be? How would I get there?
As I said before I was always a thinking child, which hasn't gone away in all these years. So I sat and thought about it for roughly 3 weeks before deciding that an English degree in Austin was what I wanted. Now the only thing to do is set that plan into motion.
The point of this whole schpeel is that thinking before you act is the smarter decision. The world is going to press upon you what it wants from you; the faster you make a decision, usually the higher the risk later and the dumber you find the decision was in the end. Think about it; in the check out line at a store you see the candy there and the cashier's ringing you up. You don't really want the candy. Or do you? You don't have much time before they finish ringing you up and if you get it later you have to make a whole new transaction. Buy it. Buy it now! See? Pressure. Fast decisions, movement before you're ready, leads to hasty and rash results. You probably didn't even want that candy.
So what do you think? Take your time, feel it out and get back to me.
XoXo,
Testorshia