Don't Complain About the Fish If Your Bait Ain't No Good

I ran across a Facebook status today, not unlike all the others I come across, saying the usual "Men ain't sh*t", "Women confuse the hell out of me" and the like. Then I realized, maybe nobody ever told folks the straight up and up on relationships. Maybe they just didn't understand it. Trust me, I've had many a person say some "Tes, that's deep" and not know what it was I said. I'm gonna lay down some knowledge, if I may...
To the ladies: Men treat you the way you let yourself be treated. If you ever wonder why a man disrespects you and acts like it's nothing, consider the fact that you may act like it's nothing. How's he going to know not to treat you like some h*e on the street if you keep letting him? The answer is, he won't. Speak up. Don't let it pass and pass until one day you pull an Al Green on him and leave him wondering what the hell just happened. Something as simple as "I don't appreciate that, don't do it anymore," could solve the problem. Just let it be known. And if he violates that boundary, leave him. Disrespect is only a few steps down from the relationship "Hell no's" we as women have been told to avoid since the beginning of time. Keep in mind that this dude who doesn't respect you is taking up the space of the next man who just might.
To the gentleman: Let chivalry live. I know in the age of independent women some women may not want you to pull out their chairs or open their doors. If you were raised that way, respectfully tell them so and continue to do you. As much as some women protest, a lot of women actually complain about that very thing. Plus, nobody likes a push over. If a woman kept changing because you told her to, a few years into it you'd be bored (I hope?). You'd want an individual. Someone with her own mind. Treat chivalry like that. Nice guys don't always finish last, but when they do, it's because they realize the "prize" they were fighting for wasn't worth all their devotion, or they found something better.
Also ya'll, keep in mind nobody likes a boring, needy person. If your life's purpose is finding a spouse and having them complete you, most people will either be terrified or turned off.  Find out who you are first before trying to be something or someone to anybody else. Be interested in things other than what that person is interested in. Be interesting in your own right. Be interesting for yourself. Nobody wants someone who doesn't seem to even want themselves.
Finally (and most important might I add), remember your bait for the fish you're trying to catch. If you want someone who's healthy, has a nice body, a few degrees and in a Fortune 500 company, do that for yourself first. Expecting all that from somebody who's supposed to be interested in you and not expecting those same standards for yourself is setting you up for the big let down. Don't be afraid to be an attractive person, not just physically but personality wise as well. Nobody likes a brotha/sista with an attitude for no reason. It's okay to smile. It's okay to be polite. You attract what you put out, or as Nana used to remind me "Don't complain about the fish if your bait ain't no good."
XoXo,
Testorshia

You've Been Dating 4 Days: It's Not Love, It's Newness

Call me a killjoy, but I was over high school before middle school was even half way through. Everyone was pretending to be grown up, doing and saying grown up things without being prepared for consequences or really knowing what they were doing would really mean to them later on in life. With that said I was a late bloomer and I didn't have my first "boyfriend" until freshman year of college.
He lasted six days. He was insecure about my friends and what they were doing and what they thought of him more so than what I was doing and what I thought of him. Truth be told, we had nothing in common. He liked me, I liked that he liked me, so I went along with it. And on the fourth day, he said it. Yes, it. And I mentally wretched.
I didn't love him back. How could I? I didn't even know him. We were dating. In my mind dating is getting to know someone, letting them get to know you, and eventually seeing where the chips fall in the end. Dating is not clinging desperately to a person when you're lonely in hopes that they love you. Before you think it, no I'm not an anti-romantic, quite the contrary. If a man can come to me, make me smile and want to be in his presence consistently, I'll be the mushiest romantic the world has ever seen. As it stands though, "Hey shawty" and "Pssst!" don't constitute either of those. Call me rigid, but if you can't treat me like a lady and not some random street walker, I'd say we have next to nothing in common and you get no play.
Back to the subject at hand. Four days and it was love for him. By day five I knew it wasn't going to work out. I spent the night pondering, thinking, wading through my emotions. By day six I told him I didn't think it was going to work out. Day seven he was on my phone wanting me back, but that's a different blog for a different day.
What I mean to say is, love happens on it's own time. No amount of rushing, wanting, praying, fasting, nor sacrifice will bring it to you when you want it. There is nothing more annoying than that associate who's in love after three days of knowing the person and a McDouble.
I wanted to say to him "Say bruh, it's been four days. Pump your brakes." Instead, I let him think it was his idea to break up and let it happen the way it happened. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and tell him in addition to his clinginess, he was possibly the worse kisser ever, but that's also another blog for another time.
I guess what I'm saying is, stop all the madness. Let it happen on its own. A watched pot never boils. Being infatuated with something new, and being in love are rarely if ever the same thing. What do you think? Does newness cloud the judgement of people, or is it actually a love jones going on? Think on it, and get back to me.
XoXo,
Testorshia

The Smallest Things Contribute to Ultimate Happiness

I've been bogged down lately in a lot of adult stuff. Finding a new job, starting school with people "misplacing" my records (I swear, it's like they don't want my money), and trying out this new "social life" thing that I hear is all the rage. In all that adult stuff my iPod decided to surprise me with "Take Me There" by Mya, Blackstreet and nem. Any kid from the nineties remembers this song as it was virtually the Rugrats song. Immediately I broke into a grin and had the insane want to dance around and or jump rope/hopscotch. Five minutes is all it took to take me back to where my biggest problems were running out of juice and Gingerbread men before All That came on after dinner. Five minutes of a simple piano riff and I was there, sitting in front of a tv screen with a stuffed bear named Moo, a juice and a pack of peaches within arms reach. Five minutes and I was overjoyed.
I forget sometimes that those same things that made me happy as a kid could make me happy now. Time to sit in the sun. Time to jump rope. Nap time. Disney movie time (I'll be honest, as we speak I'm collecting extensive Disney DVDs because my mom gave away all the VHS tapes. How could she just give up my childhood like that?! I tell you...). So today I went out and got some coloring books, some crayons and set up camp on my back porch, my iPod set to my Disney playlist (don't judge me). Before I knew it, an hour had gone by and I was just content. Peaceful. For that one hour I didn't have anything to worry about except coloring inside the lines, if I wanted.
Earlier in my day, during my designated T-Time (time between 3am and 9 am where if you aren't on fire or in dire need I don't answer calls) my best friend George calls me. He tells me a five minute story of how his morning is going, country drawl and grammar in tact, then comes to an inside joke I hadn't heard in ages and I'm laughing until I can't breathe.
Moments, small moments, large moments, still moments, loud moments...life is about the moments. Is it all joy and sunshine and 90s Nick cartoons? No. Can it be every once in awhile. Only if you make time for it. Life will take you by the ankles and try to drag you down and pull you away from the things that make you truly happy. It's your duty to yourself to hold onto that, be it with Beanie Babies (don't front like I'm the only one with a Beanie Baby in the closet), a classic Disney movie, or even those Swiss swirls you used to like. Whatever it is, hold onto it for yourself. Find happiness in it, at least for that moment.
What makes you that kiddie-giddy happy? How long has it been since you had a moment of truly blissful peace? Marinate on it, and get back to me.
XoXo,
Testorshia

Motion Can Belie Activity

I have always been a thinker. When I was a child, people would ask me questions about this or that and I distinctly remember taking a few seconds (okay, sometimes minutes) to think about it before answering. They always looked perplex that I had such "profound thought" for a kid. I just thought it was common sense. As I grew older though, I found that sense is not all that common and that thinking before you answer or act is not a desired trait these days.
I'm entering college soon and I had a few doubts and concerns. I've been out of high school a year, community college about three months and I still don't know what career I want. So I soon went to work on trying to find what I like and consider myself good at.
To outsiders looking in, I was making pointless lists and diagrams, searching and researching for nothing, and basically chillin while reading and looking out windows. I should just do it. I should just go out there and do something, anything besides sit and think and type. Move! Be! Do!
While listening to "Trashy" by J Dilla and hanging out with my (neighbor's) dog Cookie I thought to myself that moving for the sake of moving, or for the sake of other people wanting you to, doesn't lead you any nearer to who you want to be or your goals. If anything it distracts you and makes trouble, making the decision process unnecessarily long.
I figured that out earlier when I was at my job of folding and hanging at the mall. The more I focused on this one job, this job that wouldn't sustain many of my needs for stimulation (mentally, financially, socially, take your pick) the further I got from myself and what I was trying to accomplish. I got the job to help out my mother, to make it so she wouldn't worry about my few bills or nag me to death. We all have some sort of mother figure, so we know how that goes; even when you have the one thing they wanted you to have, you now need to have it better, bigger, broader.
My mother and my book addiction compelled me to find another job, but I declined. I thought more about what I wanted out of life. To my mother, my father, my friends, I was lounging like LL and Total in the 90s. But in my mind, so many things were going on that I had to decide, to do. What did I want out of life? Who did I want to be? How would I get there?
As I said before I was always a thinking child, which hasn't gone away in all these years. So I sat and thought about it for roughly 3 weeks before deciding that an English degree in Austin was what I wanted. Now the only thing to do is set that plan into motion.
The point of this whole schpeel is that thinking before you act is the smarter decision. The world is going to press upon you what it wants from you; the faster you make a decision, usually the higher the risk later and the dumber you find the decision was in the end. Think about it; in the check out line at a store you see the candy there and the cashier's ringing you up. You don't really want the candy. Or do you? You don't have much time before they finish ringing you up and if you get it later you have to make a whole new transaction. Buy it. Buy it now! See? Pressure. Fast decisions, movement before you're ready, leads to hasty and rash results. You probably didn't even want that candy.
So what do you think? Take your time, feel it out and get back to me.
XoXo,
Testorshia

Connections Are Pretty Major In Your Life

I am a playlist kind of girl. My iPod is full of playlists that reflects moods, thoughts, people, moments... Lately, I've been playing this one I named "Regret" because it reminds me of one person, one moment, one thing. In my almost twenty years, I can say what happened between me and this guy is one of the only things I've come to greatly regret; I passed him up to hold onto my own fears and self-doubts. Tell me, isn't that a stupid reason?
Today though, we had a long talk between good friends, like we usually do, about what makes us who we are. I was taken back; nobody ever asks me who I am, not really. People ask me "Oh, what's your name?" but never "Tes, who are you really? Who are you when no one's looking?" At first, I was going to let my fear get the best of me again, but I made a vow I'd never regret anything I did with this dude from the first one on and I told him the truth; I'm a girl who sometimes feels invisible to everyone, despite all I do for them. I'm a girl who holds onto past pains because I'm afraid if I let them go, I'll go with them, and who will I be then? I'm a girl trying to find herself and know herself, without having to rehash any pain, hurt or disappointment. I'm a girl who's trying to do all this by herself, because anything I give to other people to hold, they always break.
He was quiet, before decidedly telling me he was going to help me find myself. I laughed; nobody's ever said anything like that to me, without trying to WooHoo! in the end. I could tell by his silence he meant it, and I was scared. Taking on my pain, his own, not to mention his friends, his girlfriend's, his parents'...that's too much...besides, what if he dropped me like all the others? After we hung up, his sincerity was felt somewhere deep in me and it shook loose so many tears I couldn't see, couldn't breathe...
Until I smiled and tasted my tears on my lips. No one had ever said those things to me, meant it, and showed it. Never. It broke my heart that he was going to try to fix me; if I can't do it, how could I expect someone else to? But in the process of breaking, my heart kind of fused together in another part, a bigger part. Someone sees me. Someone cares about me. Someone has love for me. And at that moment, all I could do was thank God.
Though he didn't come into my life the way I envisioned, this guy...this guy is what I needed. This guy, though not in the capacity I would have liked, is in my life for a reason. And although I'm not that big into organized religion, my Southern Baptist roots show when I say God sent this man to me; right when I'm trying so hard to fix myself on my own that I'm getting lost, this guy comes in and points out my issues in such a kind-hearted way, and leads me when I have trouble finding my way through the myriad of things that hinder me from reaching my full potential. If that ain't God, I really don't know what is.
So dear reader, my point is that although we might not believe in all the same things, nor the same Gods...we all need to feel connected to something bigger than we are, or at least connect with someone who sees us for everything we are. We need to feel a connection with something in order to fully connect with ourselves, be it a person, a deity, an element of expression; our connections are where what we believe comes into tangible status. Connections are where we find who we are.
XoXo,
Testorshia

Sometimes Being Honest With Yourself Hurts Others

I love her like I've never loved a person before, and it's a fact. You remember in kindergarten when you met your first best friend? No matter what happened, you two promised ya'll would be best friends throughout everything? I was an unusual child, and I didn't find that person until maybe five months ago. Although I moved states, it's like I'm still in the same city with her, and we're still talking about the same things we would had I been there.
Today though, was a personal trial that brought her with it. What do you do when your honesty hurts the one person you don't want to hurt? Keep it to yourself? Let that pain eat you up inside for however long that friendship lasts? Lie and disrespect everything you've built with this person? When is honesty to yourself more important than hurting (or not hurting) others?
I used to think "Never," never is hurting others worth honesty to yourself. And then I stopped sleeping. I used to think I could deal with deluding myself daily in the name of the perfect friendship. Then I stopped eating properly. I used to think nothing was worth losing someone you love... and then it hit me. The honesty is what the friendship is all about. I'd never lied to her, so this small secret I was keeping, whenever it came out, would hurt her. So it was more a question of now or later.
Underneath that though, as a friend of mine pointed out, honesty to myself lets me be honest with others; until I was open with myself about this issue, every time I pretended to be happy I would be hurting the both of us. Every missed opportunity would be another lie by omission.
So though it hurt me deeply to hurt her, so much so I was waiting on words of abuse to come (though knowing what kind of person she is, I should've guessed they wouldn't) my sanity, my clarity all of it depended on me being honest with myself first. Sometimes you are going to need to put yourself ahead of others, though it pains you, because in the long run, could you live with a lie? Could you live with the fact that you put your happiness and peace of mind behind that of others? Could you live with hurting yourself daily in ways deeper than any eye could see? I couldn't...and anyone who loves me understands that. And the same, dear reader, can be said for you. Putting yourself first may feel like a sin, but trust me, the liberation after the pain and mild disappointment is worth it all. The best you can do is apologize and do what you must for yourself. It's a hard lesson to learn, and I can't say that it gets easier, but once you've gone through it you know for sure that you are worth all the fight in the world. You are worth a little disappointment from others. You are worth a second of unhappiness for a lifetime of peace of mind.
XoXo,
Testorshia

Some People Don't Understand Karma

I never show my true self in the very beginning of my relationships with people; it's been my nature since I was very young to observe people first, then show them who I am. Plus, nobody who just meets me deserves my true essence, it has to be earned. As I went off to college though, I decided to try something different and just go all in. It worked pretty fine for awhile until this guy (who I'll call Charles) started hanging around.
Charles was a friend of my friends and started to instigate his way into our close-knit group. Soon, it got so I couldn't look up and not see him with my other four guy friends. If he was with them and they vouched for him, he had to be a good guy, so I didn't think much of it; I'm naturally friendly and warm to people, and I didn't see any problem accepting new people into my life. Until one day, he approached me romantically and I rebuffed him; I was interested in a certain King of Confusion at the time and I didn't want to pursue anyone else, no matter how hard they were pursuing me.
Suddenly, all the information (confidential, girl talk information he'd gotten from hanging around the women of our group) he acquired was turned on me in a negative way. Every time I rebuffed him after that, he'd slip out a tidbit of information in the wrong way or say something hurtful. For instance, I'd maybe go and hang out in the parking lot with the King of Confusion and the guy would say something snide, insinuating more was going on than really was, painting me in a shade of harlot.
I'd had enough of him in time, and ended up telling him he and I were no longer all that; my loyalty lies with those who are loyal to me, and he certainly wasn't. Soon, he began doing to my friends what he'd done to me, hurting them on purpose but always with a jovial, friendly attitude. I warned them that he wasn't who he pretended to be, he was not their friend, and if they didn't heed my warnings they'd learn that the hard way.
I hear he's now doing something sordid behind my best guy friend's back, and it pains me not to be there to tell him off. How dare he? We were his friends, we were there for him whenever he needed, and he goes and does something menacing and hateful to the one person who accepted him the most? Then I realize, it's not my place to say anything to him. My Gram would tell me that what you put in the world is what you get out of it, and I firmly believe that, so in time, he'll reap what he sows.
Sometimes I forget that all people don't come to you with honesty and good intentions. Some come to hurt you or use you for their own selfish gains. You'd think being fresh out of high school that would be engraved on my brain, but as it turns out, until recently I always put such faith in the good in people. What's a girl to do when the good in people is hidden under so much malice and wrong-doing? This girl is going to keep seeing the good, but not denying the bad. This girl is going to realize when it's time to keep it moving when someone in your life purposely hurts you. This girl is going to go on living her life...just not talking about it around everyone :) .
XoXo,
Testorshia D.